Scars in Heaven...

So, it's been a little over two months since my sister passed away.

I miss her.  

There have been so many times when something funny will pop up on my Facebook and I will go to send it to her and then remember, I can't.  Memories will show up and I get sad that there will be no more of those.  

I miss her.

I miss her but I feel like I haven't been able to grieve her.  There has been so much anger and hostility and division in my family and it feels like dealing with that has trumped my ability to grieve Kelly.  When the memories come up or I read something that makes me think of her I get sad but I have not really cried other than that one time in the parking lot after talking to my mom.  But that wasn't about missing Kelly.  That was my anger and frustration.  Maybe that is grief.  

This evening I drove the 30 minute drive into town and had dinner with my son, then went to get groceries.  Nothing was different.  It was nice to see Pete and as weird as it may seem, I actually enjoying grocery shopping!  lol  Even though I have to hobble around the store these days.  :)

Anyway, on the drive back home, I was channel surfing on SiriusXM.  I went from news to country, to classic rock.  I only like to listen to a station when there is music I like playing...lol  (I'm weird like that)  There was nothing playing that I liked.  I went to the next channel on the line up, Christian music, and as soon as I flipped over to it I stopped and listened.  The song that was just starting to play was Scars in Heaven by Casting Crowns.  

Now, I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason.  I believe I was supposed to hear this particular song tonight. Memories of Kelly came to me as I was driving and I felt a "weird" sense that something was telling me that it is ok to grieve now.  It's ok to cry even.  And I did.  And I am as I write this. 

I hate that she was sick.  I hate that none of us were prepared for her death.  We had those weeks with Nikki.  We knew she was dying.  We were preparing.  We didn't have that with Kelly.  She went into the hospital on Monday and passed away Saturday.  I hate that she was alone when she died!  I hate that the anger in my family has taken precedence over anything else.  

I MISS HER!  :(

I think I was meant to hear that song.  And I think it's ok for me to be sad(der) now. 

I miss you, Kelly....rest easy little sista.   💔

Scars in Heaven  <~~this is a link to the song.

Hurt and Love …

 I made a vague Facebook post earlier today. Thank you to those who commented and reached out to me in private messages. It’s been a day!  Death in a family can take a toll on family members in different ways. I realized today that I never really cried when Kelly passed away. I cried when I went to see her and basically say goodbye and I love you to her but I didn’t cry after. That changed today. Conversations were had. Words were said. I cried. Part of that was a realization hit me today that she’s gone. Part of it is all the other crap that comes with family. I love my family. I do. I do not like some of the things that are said and done and I’m allowed to not like them but that does NOT equate to hate. That’s something my family has thought for as long as I can remember. If we got mad at one another, automatically, we hated them. That’s bullshit. 

I upset my mother today. We had an argument.  That doesn’t mean I hate her. But, dammit, I am still her daughter and I still here on this earth!!  I feel like a shitty daughter but at the same time I was so hurt and mad and, dammit, I’m grieving the loss of my sister too!  And I also matter! 

I have probably alienated a few members of my family.  But I can’t control how other people act and react and feel towards me. I can only control me.  The worst thing for me will be the little kids hearing Aunt Meme is a bad person. The thought of that kills me. 😞

I sat in the parking lot is Meijer today and cried.  Did I feel better afterwards?  No, I did not.  That will take time. 

I Can Breathe...

I have thought over and over again in my head what I want to write but when it came time to sit down and finally put my thoughts into words, I got lost.  These last two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions, feels, thoughts, aches and pains.  What started out as a simple trip to Fredericton to spend Mother's Day with my mom, turned into saying goodbye to another sister.

On April 12, I sent texts to my sister, Kelly, to let her know I was planning a trip home for a visit and was timing it to be able to be there for Mother's Day.  I always told Kelly first because it made her happy when I said I was coming home.  Ok, maybe I just thought she was excited by my visits but she always gave me a, "YAY!" or "That's awesome!" or "I can't wait!" and that was good for my ego!  LOL  

Monday of the week I was planning to leave,  I got a call from my mom that Kelly was being taken to the hospital by ambulance.  I knew she hadn't been feeling well after her kidney stone surgery but I had no idea she was feeling that bad.  So, I told mom to keep me posted.  She was admitted.  Her heart was in a-fib.  

I started my drive out on Thursday, and stopped in Massachusetts for the night.  Still had 7 ish hours to go.  I kept getting updates from mom and my nieces.  She was in the ICU.  Her lungs were being squeezed from so much fluid. She had infection all through her body.  She was septic.   She was slowly getting worse.  She was put on a bi-pap but couldn't handle the mask...it felt like she was being smothered, the next step was the ventilator.  :(

Friday morning, after a night of very little sleep, I wake up to a text that Kelly was on a ventilator.  She was heavily sedated and in no pain.  I just knew this was bad but I was praying for a positive outcome.  I headed out and made great time to Fredericton where my first stop was the hospital where trying to get into see my sister became a nightmare!  Because I came from the USA, I needed to provide proof of a negative covid test, which I did not have!  (My fault for not checking out the hospital rules better.)  But after waiting and hoping and my brother in law begging the nurse manager to let me in to see my sister, a nurse came down and administered a PCR test that they would rush through.  She said she was breaking rules to do this but she thought it the right thing to do.  An hour or so I was allowed up to see her.  

When I walked in and saw her, my heart broke.  I cried.  She looked so sick laying there.  She was asleep but I knew she could hear me.  So I talked to her.  I told her I wanted her to get better so she could go home.  I told her it wasn't her time to go yet.  I made some jokes because that's what we always did.  I spent time with her holding and rubbing her hand.  And I did something I have never done with my sister, I prayed over her.  It was then that I felt a peace and a comfort come over me and I knew that whatever would happen she was in God's hands.  Mom came in, she talked to Kelly for a bit but we had to leave.  I said my last I love you and my final good-bye to my sister.

Kelly has been sick for a long time.  A lot longer, I believe, than she ever let anyone know.  She had been in the hospital before and got better and came home.  But I don't know if she was she ever completely better.  Kelly has been in pain for years.  I know it wasn't easy for her.  Daily living was a struggle for her.  My heart broke to see her so sick and in so much pain.  

Saturday morning Kelly passed away.

My sister was no longer sick.  She was no longer in pain.  She was free from all of that.  Now, her family and loved ones are left hurting.  

I will miss her but I take comfort that she is with Nikki and our dad.  I also take comfort that she is no longer suffering. 

Rest in peace, my dear sista.  I love you! 

Thank You For Being a Friend…

 So, I am sitting here this evening and creeping people on Facebook (come on, you do it, too!  Lol) who used to be friends of mine.  Why was I looking at their pages you might ask?  Curiosity I guess.  You ever have FOMO (fear of missing out)?  Well, for a fraction of a second I had that.  So I creeped. And you know what?  I’m not missing out on anything. 

I am a firm believer that people come into our life for a reason and a season.  These past friends served a reason and a season in my life. That ended and I feel no ill feeling against them. I was bitter.  I was angry. I was hurt. “How can you stop talking to me?  “How can you not want to be my friend anymore!?’  It bothered me for quite awhile but like most things, I got over it and yanno what?  I’m ok.  My reason/season was fulfilled. I had many, many good times with these people. We bonded over countless life events (good and bad) and well, I considered them to be very good friends.  

One of these friends ended our friendship over text message.  I guess I saw the end coming.  The other, well, to this day I’m still not exactly sure what happened.  Well, I kind of know.  Sort of?  But I still don’t understand. I guess in contrast with how the other friendship ended, in a long text explaining why, this friendship just basically faded away. Not really any reasoning. It suddenly was…poof…gone. 

I’m not longing for these friendships back.  I’m not longing for past times.  I’m not the same person I was then.  And I’m pretty sure they aren’t either.  I have wonderful friends in my life.  I may not have dozens of them, but as I always told my kids, it’s quality….NOT quantity.  

So, why all of a sudden did all of this prompt me to write in my blog for the first time in like forever?  I dunno.  Lol. I have had a lot of thoughts in my head lately and in the past, writing about them has always helped me.  So, this post is therapeutic for me. I’m not hurting anymore about the loss of these friends.  I’m happy and I’m content and I am BLESSED with the wonderful people who want to be my friend.  

To those past friends, and to all of my friends…..

Thank you for being a friend.  ❤️

Just a Thought...or Two...

My husband told me last night that I "share" too many posts on Facebook.  Now, by that I mean he thinks I share posts that refer to the current president or are just political in nature.  He said, "It's not Michelle anymore."  I respect his opinion and I appreciate that he tells me how he feels.  I did get a little defensive....but that is just part of my nature I guess.  It's who I am.  

But it got me thinking, do I share too much political/potus stuff?  So I went back through the posts on my wall.  Nope, I don't believe that I do.  I mean some days are better than others, but for the most part there is a pretty good mix of my silly posts, cat pictures & memes and grandson posts and "other" stuff. 

Recently, yes, I have shared several posts but that's because they spoke to me and were a true reflection about how I am feeling about everything that is happening at the borders and with the immigration policies.  I could vent in a post on Facebook about the same things that I have shared, but that gets me into trouble, too! 

So, what is a girl to do?  lol

Several people have told me that I should limit my time on social media.  Or delete my Facebook.  or or or.  Well, that is all well and fine... if that's what they want to do.  That's what makes this world so great (which I am also questioning...is it??)...that we are all different.  I'm not going to change how I engage on social media.  I am not going to purposely limit my time to make others happy.  I have always had this theory that if someone doesn't like what I post or what I have to say then keep scrolling or unfollow/unfriend me.  I even told my loving hubby that he was free to unfollow me if he is sick of my shares.  :)  Did he?  Beats me, but I doubt it.  And I would understand and respect him if he did!

Social media is many things to me.  Its a place where I can come and keep up with and communicate with family and friends who live far away!  It's a place where I can share (many) silly pictures of my cats and show off my adorably handsome grandson!!  It's a place where I can come to "get out of a funk" with a few laughs when I feel Mr. Depression creeping around. And it's also a place where I can add my 2 cents to events that are happening in our world, or mostly this country I happen to live in.  It's all important to me.  It's all part of MY social media experience.  Yours might be different and that's cool!!

Live.  Love.  Laugh.

Life is short, man!!  The world is in enough chaos right now, do we really need to be telling each other how to act or think or write?  

I wish there were more kindness in the world.  

I wish people would compliment rather than criticize.  

Laugh instead of cry/yell.  

Love instead of hate.  

Love.

Love..

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always hopes, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

<3Just a Thought

I AM Enough...

Where to start.

I have a million thoughts in my head and a millions things to say.  But when it comes time to actually say them, my mind goes bezerk. This may or may not make any sense.  It's just me....being me.  :)

This past year or so has been very "different".  So much has changed. The more I think about it though, the more I am realizing that perhaps it's not that so much has changed....perhaps it's ME that has changed.  I think everything else has always been the way it is, I just saw it through different eyes.  

I have felt for a large majority of my life that I am not good enough.  

Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough (or at all).
Not skinny enough (again, or at all).
Not friendly enough.
Too shy and yet, ironically enough, too big of a mouth.
Too fat.
Not a good enough daughter.
Not a good enough sister.  
Not a good enough wife and mother.
Not a good enough Christian.

Not...good...enough.

Life can be sailing along great.  Those feelings get pushed down deep inside of me.  I have a great family....great friends....great life.

So when stuff happens, like friends "letting go" of my friendship.  Or friends stopping contact with me, for well, not really sure of the reason, but the contact stops.  Or when others just stop talking to you.  Or when you feel judged by the people at the place where you should feel safest and loved.  Or when your politics are very different from the majority of people you know (which could be the reason for the stopped contact, I dunno), and a whole bunch of other stuff happens, that ole, "not good enough" feeling comes back with a vengeance.

I don't want sympathy.  That's not what this is about.  

I have been mulling things over in my mind for many months.  Life has changed for me this past year.  It's been a great year or so.  I have so much to be thankful for, and I AM, but for some reason I can't seem to stop focusing on the fact that I have not been a "good enough" friend.  Maybe I'm not.  I don't know.  I can't read into the minds and hearts of other people to find out what they think of me. Or if they think of me at all.  I am trying to teach myself that it's none of my business what other people think of me.  It's just a tough lesson to teach, and learn!

I have come to the conclusion though that it doesn't matter what others think of me.  I know I am a good person.  I know I am good enough.  I may not be good enough for some people, but the people in my life, the people who matter the most in the world to me, I AM enough.

Better Late Than Never...

I wrote this post several months ago but never posted it.  I'm not sure why.  I felt guilty or weird or something, I don't know.  Maybe it just wasn't the "right" time.  I came here to Blogger tonight to write a new and different post and saw this, reread it and decided to post it.  My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts.  Writing them out helps.  Those thoughts may not always make sense once they are written, but it's healing for me.  Make sense?  :)

Here's the post.  Better late than never, right?  ;)

When you have "problems" in your friendships, do you blame yourself?  Or is that just me?  I mean, I know it takes two people to make a friendship, right?  Give and take?  But what happens when you give more than you take?  Sometimes there just isn't enough of yourself to give anymore.  Couple that with your own personal issues and then what?  

Several months ago I had to step aside from a friend who was dealing with issues of her own because I was dealing with my own demons (depression!). In hindsight, we both needed more of the "take" in the friendship and neither of us were able to fulfill that.  

So, as months passed, my depression subsided (as is pretty normal) and I started feeling that I hadn't been a good friend.  I don't know that I was or wasn't because we didn't really get together.  But, regardless, I felt shitty.  "How could you not have been there for a friend at such a bad time, Michelle?"  "How can you be so uncaring, Michelle?"  "What kind of friend are YOU, Michelle?"   

I wasn't a bad friend.  I was a friend who was also in need.  

But people don't always see eye to eye.  

I apologized for not being "there" in a time of need (though, I'm not sure exactly why I apologized for that when at the same time I was in need, too.)  We talked.  And even though I knew that it would take time to get back the relationship we once had, if we ever could, we were good.  I thought.

December 30th, 2016, I woke up to a text message I'll never forget.  "I have to let go of our friendship".  There was more but that was the gist.  I wasn't sure what to say or how to feel.  I was stunned.  I just sat and stared at my phone and read the message over and over....and it wasn't until I told Peter about it that I felt any emotion. Then I cried.  

Then I got angry.  And I thought to myself, how dare you do this via text message?!  I was angry for awhile.

Now, I feel a sense of calm about it all.  I miss the friendship we had in the beginning.  I don't miss the friendship it had turned into at the end.  I have good memories and good times to look back on.  I don't hate her.  I never have, and never will.  I wish her all the peace and well being this world has to offer her.