Hurt and Love …

 I made a vague Facebook post earlier today. Thank you to those who commented and reached out to me in private messages. It’s been a day!  Death in a family can take a toll on family members in different ways. I realized today that I never really cried when Kelly passed away. I cried when I went to see her and basically say goodbye and I love you to her but I didn’t cry after. That changed today. Conversations were had. Words were said. I cried. Part of that was a realization hit me today that she’s gone. Part of it is all the other crap that comes with family. I love my family. I do. I do not like some of the things that are said and done and I’m allowed to not like them but that does NOT equate to hate. That’s something my family has thought for as long as I can remember. If we got mad at one another, automatically, we hated them. That’s bullshit. 

I upset my mother today. We had an argument.  That doesn’t mean I hate her. But, dammit, I am still her daughter and I still here on this earth!!  I feel like a shitty daughter but at the same time I was so hurt and mad and, dammit, I’m grieving the loss of my sister too!  And I also matter! 

I have probably alienated a few members of my family.  But I can’t control how other people act and react and feel towards me. I can only control me.  The worst thing for me will be the little kids hearing Aunt Meme is a bad person. The thought of that kills me. 😞

I sat in the parking lot is Meijer today and cried.  Did I feel better afterwards?  No, I did not.  That will take time. 

I Can Breathe...

I have thought over and over again in my head what I want to write but when it came time to sit down and finally put my thoughts into words, I got lost.  These last two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions, feels, thoughts, aches and pains.  What started out as a simple trip to Fredericton to spend Mother's Day with my mom, turned into saying goodbye to another sister.

On April 12, I sent texts to my sister, Kelly, to let her know I was planning a trip home for a visit and was timing it to be able to be there for Mother's Day.  I always told Kelly first because it made her happy when I said I was coming home.  Ok, maybe I just thought she was excited by my visits but she always gave me a, "YAY!" or "That's awesome!" or "I can't wait!" and that was good for my ego!  LOL  

Monday of the week I was planning to leave,  I got a call from my mom that Kelly was being taken to the hospital by ambulance.  I knew she hadn't been feeling well after her kidney stone surgery but I had no idea she was feeling that bad.  So, I told mom to keep me posted.  She was admitted.  Her heart was in a-fib.  

I started my drive out on Thursday, and stopped in Massachusetts for the night.  Still had 7 ish hours to go.  I kept getting updates from mom and my nieces.  She was in the ICU.  Her lungs were being squeezed from so much fluid. She had infection all through her body.  She was septic.   She was slowly getting worse.  She was put on a bi-pap but couldn't handle the mask...it felt like she was being smothered, the next step was the ventilator.  :(

Friday morning, after a night of very little sleep, I wake up to a text that Kelly was on a ventilator.  She was heavily sedated and in no pain.  I just knew this was bad but I was praying for a positive outcome.  I headed out and made great time to Fredericton where my first stop was the hospital where trying to get into see my sister became a nightmare!  Because I came from the USA, I needed to provide proof of a negative covid test, which I did not have!  (My fault for not checking out the hospital rules better.)  But after waiting and hoping and my brother in law begging the nurse manager to let me in to see my sister, a nurse came down and administered a PCR test that they would rush through.  She said she was breaking rules to do this but she thought it the right thing to do.  An hour or so I was allowed up to see her.  

When I walked in and saw her, my heart broke.  I cried.  She looked so sick laying there.  She was asleep but I knew she could hear me.  So I talked to her.  I told her I wanted her to get better so she could go home.  I told her it wasn't her time to go yet.  I made some jokes because that's what we always did.  I spent time with her holding and rubbing her hand.  And I did something I have never done with my sister, I prayed over her.  It was then that I felt a peace and a comfort come over me and I knew that whatever would happen she was in God's hands.  Mom came in, she talked to Kelly for a bit but we had to leave.  I said my last I love you and my final good-bye to my sister.

Kelly has been sick for a long time.  A lot longer, I believe, than she ever let anyone know.  She had been in the hospital before and got better and came home.  But I don't know if she was she ever completely better.  Kelly has been in pain for years.  I know it wasn't easy for her.  Daily living was a struggle for her.  My heart broke to see her so sick and in so much pain.  

Saturday morning Kelly passed away.

My sister was no longer sick.  She was no longer in pain.  She was free from all of that.  Now, her family and loved ones are left hurting.  

I will miss her but I take comfort that she is with Nikki and our dad.  I also take comfort that she is no longer suffering. 

Rest in peace, my dear sista.  I love you!