Monday, June 26, 2017

I AM Enough...

Where to start.

 I have a million thoughts in my head and a millions things to say.  But when it comes time to actually say them, my mind goes bezerk. This may or may not make any sense.  It's just me....being me.  :)

 This past year or so has been very "different".  So much has changed. The more I think about it though, the more I am realizing that perhaps it's not that so much has changed....perhaps it's ME that has changed.  I think everything else has always been the way it is, I just saw it through different eyes.  

 I have felt for a large majority of my life that I am not good enough.  

 Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough (or at all).
Not skinny enough (again, or at all).
Not friendly enough.
Too shy and yet, ironically enough, too big of a mouth.
Too fat.
Not a good enough daughter.
Not a good enough sister.  
Not a good enough wife and mother.
Not a good enough Christian.

 Not...good...enough.

 Life can be sailing along great.  Those feelings get pushed down deep inside of me.  I have a great family....great friends....great life.

 So when stuff happens, like friends "letting go" of my friendship.  Or friends stopping contact with me, for well, not really sure of the reason, but the contact stops.  Or when others just stop talking to you.  Or when you feel judged by the people at the place where you should feel safest and loved.  Or when your politics are very different from the majority of people you know (which could be the reason for the stopped contact, I dunno), and a whole bunch of other stuff happens, that ole, "not good enough" feeling comes back with a vengeance.

 I don't want sympathy.  That's not what this is about.  

 I have been mulling things over in my mind for many months.  Life has changed for me this past year.  It's been a great year or so.  I have so much to be thankful for, and I AM, but for some reason I can't seem to stop focusing on the fact that I have not been a "good enough" friend.  Maybe I'm not.  I don't know.  I can't read into the minds and hearts of other people to find out what they think of me. Or if they think of me at all.  I am trying to teach myself that it's none of my business what other people think of me.  It's just a tough lesson to teach, and learn!

 I have come to the conclusion though that it doesn't matter what others think of me.  I know I am a good person.  I know I am good enough.  I may not be good enough for some people, but the people in my life, the people who matter the most in the world to me, I AM enough.

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Better Late Than Never...

I wrote this post several months ago but never posted it.  I'm not sure why.  I felt guilty or weird or something, I don't know.  Maybe it just wasn't the "right" time.  I came here to Blogger tonight to write a new and different post and saw this, reread it and decided to post it.  My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts.  Writing them out helps.  Those thoughts may not always make sense once they are written, but it's healing for me.  Make sense?  :)

 Here's the post.  Better late than never, right?  ;)

 When you have "problems" in your friendships, do you blame yourself?  Or is that just me?  I mean, I know it takes two people to make a friendship, right?  Give and take?  But what happens when you give more than you take?  Sometimes there just isn't enough of yourself to give anymore.  Couple that with your own personal issues and then what?  

Several months ago I had to step aside from a friend who was dealing with issues of her own because I was dealing with my own demons (depression!). In hindsight, we both needed more of the "take" in the friendship and neither of us were able to fulfill that.  

So, as months passed, my depression subsided (as is pretty normal) and I started feeling that I hadn't been a good friend.  I don't know that I was or wasn't because we didn't really get together.  But, regardless, I felt shitty.  "How could you not have been there for a friend at such a bad time, Michelle?"  "How can you be so uncaring, Michelle?"  "What kind of friend are YOU, Michelle?"   

I wasn't a bad friend.  I was a friend who was also in need.  

But people don't always see eye to eye.  

I apologized for not being "there" in a time of need (though, I'm not sure exactly why I apologized for that when at the same time I was in need, too.)  We talked.  And even though I knew that it would take time to get back the relationship we once had, if we ever could, we were good.  I thought.

December 30th, 2016, I woke up to a text message I'll never forget.  "I have to let go of our friendship".  There was more but that was the gist.  I wasn't sure what to say or how to feel.  I was stunned.  I just sat and stared at my phone and read the message over and over....and it wasn't until I told Peter about it that I felt any emotion. Then I cried.  

Then I got angry.  And I thought to myself, how dare you do this via text message?!  I was angry for awhile.

Now, I feel a sense of calm about it all.  I miss the friendship we had in the beginning.  I don't miss the friendship it had turned into at the end.  I have good memories and good times to look back on.  I don't hate her.  I never have, and never will.  I wish her all the peace and well being this world has to offer her.    
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Monday, January 2, 2017

Happy New Year...

I have heard a lot of people say that they are glad that 2016 is over.  While last year has had some "interesting" stuff happen *coughdonaldtrumppresidentcough*  lol, 2016 was a happy year for me in general.

My husband and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.  We celebrated the marriage of our daughter and her husband. and a few months later, we rejoiced in the news that we would become first time grandparents in 2017!

We had many good times and celebrations with family and friends in 2016.  I really do feel grateful and blessed.

In 2016, I became interested (some might called it obsessed!  lol) with politics!  Very new for me....the woman who used to HATE politics!

And then of course, like any year, 2016 was not without it's bumps.  Bumps that I got through.....bumps that I am still going through.  (Depression is a big bump for me.  One I fight with every day,)  But isn't life full of ups AND downs?  I don't think I could appreciate the good things in life if I never had anything bad happen.  If that makes sense.

So, I don't know if I can say that I am "glad" that 2016 is over and gone.  I look at it as another page has turned in this book called life.

I am excited for all that this new year has in store for me.  And for the things that don't necessarily go the way I expect or want, I'll deal.   I have my family and good friends who I know will be there for me.  And, I have God.  :)

New year, new me?  Nah.  New year?  Yes.  New me?  Nah...I LIKE the me that I am and that's all that matters.

Happy New Year!  Here's to a happy and healthy 2017!!  <3

Love, Me  :)
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Sunday, September 18, 2016

Brain Fart...

I have been thinking that it's time to start writing here again.  :)
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Sunday, July 20, 2014

Forgiveness...

Wow!  It's been awhile since I've written anything in here.  It's not been for lack of wanting to.  I have just had a hard time, lately, trying to figure out how to put the thoughts, swirling around in my head, into print.  I figure the best way is it just bite the bullet and do it, eh?  :)

 I have really been working on not holding on to things.  By that I mean I am trying (I hate that word, btw) not to hold grudges, or resent people because they said something to me, maybe even years ago, that offended me or hurt my feelings.  Long story short, I am working on forgiveness, something I have struggled with my whole life.  

 It's not easy to forgive someone for hurt they have caused me.  Words cut deep into my soul like a hot knife through butter.  I know in my heart that I need to forgive, I do, and I really, really do try.  But for some reason, to me, when I forgive someone for something they said or did to me that was rude, or mean, or hurtful, or offensive, it feels like I have said, "ok, no problem.  You hurt me and I'm ok with that."  Or better yet, it's like I have given them the okay to keep on doing it!  

 I have come a long way though.  Well, at least I think I have.  But, hey, Rome wasn't built in a day now was it?  I can't expect to go from next to zero forgiveness to forgiveness all across the board! Some might disagree with that and I am pretty sure I can hear the arguments.  God forgives and so should I.  I get it.  I know.  But that doesn't mean that forgiving isn't hard.  

 A couple of years ago, not long after the last presidential election, some things were said during a conversation with some friends.  I can't, for the life of me, seem to shake the ill feelings that I (still) have from that night. During that conversation I felt judged.  I felt like I was being attacked and I felt like that was a turning point in my relationship with these friends.  So, why do I feel like I need to offer forgiveness for being the one who was offended and hurt?  Good question.  Because perhaps it will give me peace when it's all said and done?  I dunno.  The last thing I've felt since that conversation with those friends has been peace.  So, not sure it's working for me too well.

 When my sister was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago, I made a decision to be more present in her life.  I wanted to be there for her as well as my other family members.  That meant heading out east more frequently.  It also meant that my life took a turn and the things I had going on at the time became less important to me. And I don 't mean that they were any less important, but just that my priorities changed.  I think anyone in my situation would have felt the same.  Perhaps I didn't handle some of these changes in the right way.  I had less time for groups I was a part of.  I was ok with that.  But I still kinda tried to hang on a little bit because I loved it!!  Until I felt like they let me go.  I felt like they wrote me off from that group before I even wrote myself off.  :(  And that hurt.  A LOT.  

 So, again, how do I forgive that?  Though that is easier  than the conversation one, I can't help but shake the feeling that I was only important enough when all was good and I was happy-go-lucky Michelle who was more than willing to do whatever was necessary and needed to help out.  I went through a tough time and I kinda felt like I was deserted.  That's MY perception.  And I'm working on the forgiveness thing here, too.

 It's a daily struggle.  I have had many life changing events over the course of my 49 years.  For some reason, the two scenarios I wrote about stick with me.   Seems kind of trivial when I write about it.  But hurt feelings aren't trivial.  I need to let go and forgive.  Not for the people who hurt me....but for ME so I can finally get over it and move on.    :)

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Thursday, May 15, 2014

Think...

I have been trying to figure out how to write this post for days.  No, I take that back.....not days.  Much longer.....weeks. Months even.  The thing is, it shouldn't be that difficult of a post to write, but maybe it's what's on my mind that is the problem.  Or how to word it without hurting or offending someone.  Which I am pretty sure I will do regardless.  But that's par for he course with me.  I would much rather keep things inside sometimes and be hurt and disappointed myself than to risk hurting or offending other people.  *sigh*  

 Why oh why do I have to have a conscience?  :)

 And if you wanna think I am being immature or whatever, fine.  Think that.  If you want to think that I am being trivial.  Fine again.  This might not seem like a big deal to others, but it kinda is to me.

 (I can hear my husband saying, "get on with it, Michelle!") lol

 I like to share my feelings.  I'm not sure why, but it's healing or therapeutic for me to share.  Some people like to be private with how they are feeling and that's ok.  Of course there are topics that I keep to myself or share only with my husband, but for the most part, I'm kind of an open book (I think) when it comes to opening up and sharing what's on my mind.  Is there anything wrong with that?  I don't think so.  Obviously.  I am also a good listener when others want to talk to me and share their feelings.  But that's not the point of this.  

 Years ago, I had another blog and I wrote EVERYTHING in there.  That was a different time in my life.  It served it's purpose and I don't regret it at all.  That blog was only open to strangers in the online world.  (Some of who have become friends in real life.)  I no longer have that blog.  But that blog helped me.  Weird?  Perhaps.

 Then, a couple years ago, I started this one .  This blog is open to everyone.  My husband, family, friends.....everyone.  It started as a place to vent about the political crap I read online, rather than ranting about it on Facebook.  It never really amounted to anything in that way because I found a different purpose....writing my feelings about my sister after she passed away from cancer.  Again, I write here instead of posting long-ass statuses on Facebook and frustrating or annoying the people I might not be as close to as others with all my whining and boo hooing.  I share the link to this blog on Facebook and give you the choice to read it or not.  Trust me, I love and appreciate all of you who have taken the time and effort to read some of my innermost feelings!  It feels so good to know that you care enough to take 5 or so minutes to spend with me, even if it's just in word form.  I was explaining my feelings to someone once and I asked if they had read my blog, figuring it would just be easier to say "it's all in there".  Their response was that they didn't (ok, that's fine) that continued to say they get too much other junk mail and stuff to read.  Allrightythen.  Is this junk? 

 I have high expectations of people.  I readily and whole heartily admit that.  I am learning to deal with that.  I am learning to lessen my expectations of people.  But, I guess when it comes right down to it, should I have to do that for people who are close to me?  Well, I guess I do.  

 The past 2 (ish) years have been rough.  I became less involved in things because my focus was on my sister and family and visits to NB.  I don't know how it happened, and maybe it's all in my head, but relationships I had at one point started to change.....or dissolve.  Again, this is where my high expectations of friendships come in.  It was like once I wasn't around much anymore, I wasn't needed.  I had served my purpose.  That hurt.  Badly.  And, truth be told, it still hurts.  But oh well....what can ya do?  Move on.  Onward and upwards, right?  Yeah, well even though I have tough skin, I AM, after all, human.  

 Well, that went a little off what I initially wanted to vent about here...lol 

 So, this is what I wanted to say.  I put my feelings out here in this blog and I hope and wish every single time that my friends and family take the time to read them.   (And I know some of you do and I thank you sooo much!!)  This is ME, people.  If you don't like to write or don't feel it's "right" to share your feelings for the world to see.....fine, don't do it.  That's YOU.  But, I will tell you this.  IF you did....I would take the time to read what you wrote because I love you.  Because, obviously, if it was important enough to you to put out there, it's important enough for me to take the time to read it!  :)

 I'm not begging you to read my stuff.  I'm not.  That's up to you. 

 But I am asking you to think.  

 Just think.

 :)





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Friday, May 9, 2014

It's Been....One Year...

Lately, I have been thinking about my sister, Nikki, a LOT.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I think about her every day, but the past couple of weeks it's been....more intense...for some reason.  Maybe because we are coming up on a year, next month, since she died.  (I still shiver every time I say that.  "She died."  Ugh)  I am not sure, but I know she has been on my mind and on my heart a little more than usual.  

 In fact, it was this day one year ago, that her doctor came into her hospital room and told her that there was nothing more they could do and that she only had 3-6 weeks left to live.  It was this day, one year ago that I flew out there to spend her last remaining weeks with her and my family.  

 I will never, ever regret the decision to do that.  I spent almost 6 weeks away from my husband and kids (adult kids but still!) and I don't regret it for one second.  So many wonderful memories were made in that time.  It's kind of amazing when I think about it.  I mean, at such a sad time we had some of the best times of our lives.   Maybe because we made memories, strengthened relationships....gained a closeness that we never really had before?  I'm not sure.  We all knew what was coming, we just didn't know when.  I don't know how she did it to be honest.  She was so strong and she put on such a brave face (90% of the time) and she was rarely without a smile.  She smiled even tough she knew she was dying.   :(  

 My Mom and my sisters have always talked about loved ones coming to "visit" them after they had passed away.  I was never into that and it always, to be honest, kinda freaked me out.....no...just plain scared the bejeebers out of me!  A few months ago, my sister, Kelly, told me on different occasions how her 2 year old grandson, Kaden, (my little great nephew : ) would tell her he was talking to Nikki or that he saw Nikki and he would point to where he saw her or he would repeat what she said to him.  It's always been said that kids are the most honest people out there....lol  I know it sounds freaky but it made me, the scaredy skeptic, wonder.  Then just the other day I had a conversation with my sister on Facebook.  I am sharing it here and I hope she doesn't mind.  It just touched my heart so much.

That made me cry.  And it was at that point that I thought....."awww man, I wanna see her, too!"  lol  Can you believe that?  I do have to share that just before Nikki died, and I was alone with her I leaned down and whispered to her (and I know this probably sounds ridiculous to everyone!  lol) ....."Bickett, don't you come and scare me after you're gone!  Don't you do that!!"  As I read that now I realize how goofy it sounds....lol  But, she did know that I would get freaked out when I heard that kind of talk.  She has never come to visit me, and that's ok (because I do think I would probably pee my pants or something!  lol) but I do know that she has made her presence known to me in other ways.  Subtle, softer ways that don't scare me but rather, offer me peace. 

It's been one year.  Not since her death....but one year since she was told she was going to die.  I was on an airplane en route to Fredericton that morning.  This is the Facebook message I had from her when I turned on my phone upon landing.

I .need you
Sent from Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada


My heart has forever been changed because of her.  My outlook on certain things has changed.  Life is short.  

Live, laugh, love.

I miss you so much, Bickett!!  I love you baby sista!  <3

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