Thank You For Being a Friend…

 So, I am sitting here this evening and creeping people on Facebook (come on, you do it, too!  Lol) who used to be friends of mine.  Why was I looking at their pages you might ask?  Curiosity I guess.  You ever have FOMO (fear of missing out)?  Well, for a fraction of a second I had that.  So I creeped. And you know what?  I’m not missing out on anything. 

I am a firm believer that people come into our life for a reason and a season.  These past friends served a reason and a season in my life. That ended and I feel no ill feeling against them. I was bitter.  I was angry. I was hurt. “How can you stop talking to me?  “How can you not want to be my friend anymore!?’  It bothered me for quite awhile but like most things, I got over it and yanno what?  I’m ok.  My reason/season was fulfilled. I had many, many good times with these people. We bonded over countless life events (good and bad) and well, I considered them to be very good friends.  

One of these friends ended our friendship over text message.  I guess I saw the end coming.  The other, well, to this day I’m still not exactly sure what happened.  Well, I kind of know.  Sort of?  But I still don’t understand. I guess in contrast with how the other friendship ended, in a long text explaining why, this friendship just basically faded away. Not really any reasoning. It suddenly was…poof…gone. 

I’m not longing for these friendships back.  I’m not longing for past times.  I’m not the same person I was then.  And I’m pretty sure they aren’t either.  I have wonderful friends in my life.  I may not have dozens of them, but as I always told my kids, it’s quality….NOT quantity.  

So, why all of a sudden did all of this prompt me to write in my blog for the first time in like forever?  I dunno.  Lol. I have had a lot of thoughts in my head lately and in the past, writing about them has always helped me.  So, this post is therapeutic for me. I’m not hurting anymore about the loss of these friends.  I’m happy and I’m content and I am BLESSED with the wonderful people who want to be my friend.  

To those past friends, and to all of my friends…..

Thank you for being a friend.  ❤️

Just a Thought...or Two...

My husband told me last night that I "share" too many posts on Facebook.  Now, by that I mean he thinks I share posts that refer to the current president or are just political in nature.  He said, "It's not Michelle anymore."  I respect his opinion and I appreciate that he tells me how he feels.  I did get a little defensive....but that is just part of my nature I guess.  It's who I am.  

But it got me thinking, do I share too much political/potus stuff?  So I went back through the posts on my wall.  Nope, I don't believe that I do.  I mean some days are better than others, but for the most part there is a pretty good mix of my silly posts, cat pictures & memes and grandson posts and "other" stuff. 

Recently, yes, I have shared several posts but that's because they spoke to me and were a true reflection about how I am feeling about everything that is happening at the borders and with the immigration policies.  I could vent in a post on Facebook about the same things that I have shared, but that gets me into trouble, too! 

So, what is a girl to do?  lol

Several people have told me that I should limit my time on social media.  Or delete my Facebook.  or or or.  Well, that is all well and fine... if that's what they want to do.  That's what makes this world so great (which I am also questioning...is it??)...that we are all different.  I'm not going to change how I engage on social media.  I am not going to purposely limit my time to make others happy.  I have always had this theory that if someone doesn't like what I post or what I have to say then keep scrolling or unfollow/unfriend me.  I even told my loving hubby that he was free to unfollow me if he is sick of my shares.  :)  Did he?  Beats me, but I doubt it.  And I would understand and respect him if he did!

Social media is many things to me.  Its a place where I can come and keep up with and communicate with family and friends who live far away!  It's a place where I can share (many) silly pictures of my cats and show off my adorably handsome grandson!!  It's a place where I can come to "get out of a funk" with a few laughs when I feel Mr. Depression creeping around. And it's also a place where I can add my 2 cents to events that are happening in our world, or mostly this country I happen to live in.  It's all important to me.  It's all part of MY social media experience.  Yours might be different and that's cool!!

Live.  Love.  Laugh.

Life is short, man!!  The world is in enough chaos right now, do we really need to be telling each other how to act or think or write?  

I wish there were more kindness in the world.  

I wish people would compliment rather than criticize.  

Laugh instead of cry/yell.  

Love instead of hate.  

Love.

Love..

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always hopes, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

<3Just a Thought

I AM Enough...

Where to start.

I have a million thoughts in my head and a millions things to say.  But when it comes time to actually say them, my mind goes bezerk. This may or may not make any sense.  It's just me....being me.  :)

This past year or so has been very "different".  So much has changed. The more I think about it though, the more I am realizing that perhaps it's not that so much has changed....perhaps it's ME that has changed.  I think everything else has always been the way it is, I just saw it through different eyes.  

I have felt for a large majority of my life that I am not good enough.  

Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough (or at all).
Not skinny enough (again, or at all).
Not friendly enough.
Too shy and yet, ironically enough, too big of a mouth.
Too fat.
Not a good enough daughter.
Not a good enough sister.  
Not a good enough wife and mother.
Not a good enough Christian.

Not...good...enough.

Life can be sailing along great.  Those feelings get pushed down deep inside of me.  I have a great family....great friends....great life.

So when stuff happens, like friends "letting go" of my friendship.  Or friends stopping contact with me, for well, not really sure of the reason, but the contact stops.  Or when others just stop talking to you.  Or when you feel judged by the people at the place where you should feel safest and loved.  Or when your politics are very different from the majority of people you know (which could be the reason for the stopped contact, I dunno), and a whole bunch of other stuff happens, that ole, "not good enough" feeling comes back with a vengeance.

I don't want sympathy.  That's not what this is about.  

I have been mulling things over in my mind for many months.  Life has changed for me this past year.  It's been a great year or so.  I have so much to be thankful for, and I AM, but for some reason I can't seem to stop focusing on the fact that I have not been a "good enough" friend.  Maybe I'm not.  I don't know.  I can't read into the minds and hearts of other people to find out what they think of me. Or if they think of me at all.  I am trying to teach myself that it's none of my business what other people think of me.  It's just a tough lesson to teach, and learn!

I have come to the conclusion though that it doesn't matter what others think of me.  I know I am a good person.  I know I am good enough.  I may not be good enough for some people, but the people in my life, the people who matter the most in the world to me, I AM enough.

Better Late Than Never...

I wrote this post several months ago but never posted it.  I'm not sure why.  I felt guilty or weird or something, I don't know.  Maybe it just wasn't the "right" time.  I came here to Blogger tonight to write a new and different post and saw this, reread it and decided to post it.  My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts.  Writing them out helps.  Those thoughts may not always make sense once they are written, but it's healing for me.  Make sense?  :)

Here's the post.  Better late than never, right?  ;)

When you have "problems" in your friendships, do you blame yourself?  Or is that just me?  I mean, I know it takes two people to make a friendship, right?  Give and take?  But what happens when you give more than you take?  Sometimes there just isn't enough of yourself to give anymore.  Couple that with your own personal issues and then what?  

Several months ago I had to step aside from a friend who was dealing with issues of her own because I was dealing with my own demons (depression!). In hindsight, we both needed more of the "take" in the friendship and neither of us were able to fulfill that.  

So, as months passed, my depression subsided (as is pretty normal) and I started feeling that I hadn't been a good friend.  I don't know that I was or wasn't because we didn't really get together.  But, regardless, I felt shitty.  "How could you not have been there for a friend at such a bad time, Michelle?"  "How can you be so uncaring, Michelle?"  "What kind of friend are YOU, Michelle?"   

I wasn't a bad friend.  I was a friend who was also in need.  

But people don't always see eye to eye.  

I apologized for not being "there" in a time of need (though, I'm not sure exactly why I apologized for that when at the same time I was in need, too.)  We talked.  And even though I knew that it would take time to get back the relationship we once had, if we ever could, we were good.  I thought.

December 30th, 2016, I woke up to a text message I'll never forget.  "I have to let go of our friendship".  There was more but that was the gist.  I wasn't sure what to say or how to feel.  I was stunned.  I just sat and stared at my phone and read the message over and over....and it wasn't until I told Peter about it that I felt any emotion. Then I cried.  

Then I got angry.  And I thought to myself, how dare you do this via text message?!  I was angry for awhile.

Now, I feel a sense of calm about it all.  I miss the friendship we had in the beginning.  I don't miss the friendship it had turned into at the end.  I have good memories and good times to look back on.  I don't hate her.  I never have, and never will.  I wish her all the peace and well being this world has to offer her.    

Happy New Year...

I have heard a lot of people say that they are glad that 2016 is over.  While last year has had some "interesting" stuff happen *coughdonaldtrumppresidentcough*  lol, 2016 was a happy year for me in general.

My husband and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.  We celebrated the marriage of our daughter and her husband. and a few months later, we rejoiced in the news that we would become first time grandparents in 2017!

We had many good times and celebrations with family and friends in 2016.  I really do feel grateful and blessed.

In 2016, I became interested (some might called it obsessed!  lol) with politics!  Very new for me....the woman who used to HATE politics!

And then of course, like any year, 2016 was not without it's bumps.  Bumps that I got through.....bumps that I am still going through.  (Depression is a big bump for me.  One I fight with every day,)  But isn't life full of ups AND downs?  I don't think I could appreciate the good things in life if I never had anything bad happen.  If that makes sense.

So, I don't know if I can say that I am "glad" that 2016 is over and gone.  I look at it as another page has turned in this book called life.

I am excited for all that this new year has in store for me.  And for the things that don't necessarily go the way I expect or want, I'll deal.   I have my family and good friends who I know will be there for me.  And, I have God.  :)

New year, new me?  Nah.  New year?  Yes.  New me?  Nah...I LIKE the me that I am and that's all that matters.

Happy New Year!  Here's to a happy and healthy 2017!!  <3

Love, Me  :)

Brain Fart...

I have been thinking that it's time to start writing here again.  :)

Forgiveness...

Wow!  It's been awhile since I've written anything in here.  It's not been for lack of wanting to.  I have just had a hard time, lately, trying to figure out how to put the thoughts, swirling around in my head, into print.  I figure the best way is it just bite the bullet and do it, eh?  :)

I have really been working on not holding on to things.  By that I mean I am trying (I hate that word, btw) not to hold grudges, or resent people because they said something to me, maybe even years ago, that offended me or hurt my feelings.  Long story short, I am working on forgiveness, something I have struggled with my whole life.  

It's not easy to forgive someone for hurt they have caused me.  Words cut deep into my soul like a hot knife through butter.  I know in my heart that I need to forgive, I do, and I really, really do try.  But for some reason, to me, when I forgive someone for something they said or did to me that was rude, or mean, or hurtful, or offensive, it feels like I have said, "ok, no problem.  You hurt me and I'm ok with that."  Or better yet, it's like I have given them the okay to keep on doing it!  

I have come a long way though.  Well, at least I think I have.  But, hey, Rome wasn't built in a day now was it?  I can't expect to go from next to zero forgiveness to forgiveness all across the board! Some might disagree with that and I am pretty sure I can hear the arguments.  God forgives and so should I.  I get it.  I know.  But that doesn't mean that forgiving isn't hard.  

A couple of years ago, not long after the last presidential election, some things were said during a conversation with some friends.  I can't, for the life of me, seem to shake the ill feelings that I (still) have from that night. During that conversation I felt judged.  I felt like I was being attacked and I felt like that was a turning point in my relationship with these friends.  So, why do I feel like I need to offer forgiveness for being the one who was offended and hurt?  Good question.  Because perhaps it will give me peace when it's all said and done?  I dunno.  The last thing I've felt since that conversation with those friends has been peace.  So, not sure it's working for me too well.

When my sister was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago, I made a decision to be more present in her life.  I wanted to be there for her as well as my other family members.  That meant heading out east more frequently.  It also meant that my life took a turn and the things I had going on at the time became less important to me. And I don 't mean that they were any less important, but just that my priorities changed.  I think anyone in my situation would have felt the same.  Perhaps I didn't handle some of these changes in the right way.  I had less time for groups I was a part of.  I was ok with that.  But I still kinda tried to hang on a little bit because I loved it!!  Until I felt like they let me go.  I felt like they wrote me off from that group before I even wrote myself off.  :(  And that hurt.  A LOT.  

So, again, how do I forgive that?  Though that is easier  than the conversation one, I can't help but shake the feeling that I was only important enough when all was good and I was happy-go-lucky Michelle who was more than willing to do whatever was necessary and needed to help out.  I went through a tough time and I kinda felt like I was deserted.  That's MY perception.  And I'm working on the forgiveness thing here, too.

It's a daily struggle.  I have had many life changing events over the course of my 49 years.  For some reason, the two scenarios I wrote about stick with me.   Seems kind of trivial when I write about it.  But hurt feelings aren't trivial.  I need to let go and forgive.  Not for the people who hurt me....but for ME so I can finally get over it and move on.    :)