Scars in Heaven...

So, it's been a little over two months since my sister passed away.

I miss her.  

There have been so many times when something funny will pop up on my Facebook and I will go to send it to her and then remember, I can't.  Memories will show up and I get sad that there will be no more of those.  

I miss her.

I miss her but I feel like I haven't been able to grieve her.  There has been so much anger and hostility and division in my family and it feels like dealing with that has trumped my ability to grieve Kelly.  When the memories come up or I read something that makes me think of her I get sad but I have not really cried other than that one time in the parking lot after talking to my mom.  But that wasn't about missing Kelly.  That was my anger and frustration.  Maybe that is grief.  

This evening I drove the 30 minute drive into town and had dinner with my son, then went to get groceries.  Nothing was different.  It was nice to see Pete and as weird as it may seem, I actually enjoying grocery shopping!  lol  Even though I have to hobble around the store these days.  :)

Anyway, on the drive back home, I was channel surfing on SiriusXM.  I went from news to country, to classic rock.  I only like to listen to a station when there is music I like playing...lol  (I'm weird like that)  There was nothing playing that I liked.  I went to the next channel on the line up, Christian music, and as soon as I flipped over to it I stopped and listened.  The song that was just starting to play was Scars in Heaven by Casting Crowns.  

Now, I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason.  I believe I was supposed to hear this particular song tonight. Memories of Kelly came to me as I was driving and I felt a "weird" sense that something was telling me that it is ok to grieve now.  It's ok to cry even.  And I did.  And I am as I write this. 

I hate that she was sick.  I hate that none of us were prepared for her death.  We had those weeks with Nikki.  We knew she was dying.  We were preparing.  We didn't have that with Kelly.  She went into the hospital on Monday and passed away Saturday.  I hate that she was alone when she died!  I hate that the anger in my family has taken precedence over anything else.  

I MISS HER!  :(

I think I was meant to hear that song.  And I think it's ok for me to be sad(der) now. 

I miss you, Kelly....rest easy little sista.   💔

Scars in Heaven  <~~this is a link to the song.

Hurt and Love …

 I made a vague Facebook post earlier today. Thank you to those who commented and reached out to me in private messages. It’s been a day!  Death in a family can take a toll on family members in different ways. I realized today that I never really cried when Kelly passed away. I cried when I went to see her and basically say goodbye and I love you to her but I didn’t cry after. That changed today. Conversations were had. Words were said. I cried. Part of that was a realization hit me today that she’s gone. Part of it is all the other crap that comes with family. I love my family. I do. I do not like some of the things that are said and done and I’m allowed to not like them but that does NOT equate to hate. That’s something my family has thought for as long as I can remember. If we got mad at one another, automatically, we hated them. That’s bullshit. 

I upset my mother today. We had an argument.  That doesn’t mean I hate her. But, dammit, I am still her daughter and I still here on this earth!!  I feel like a shitty daughter but at the same time I was so hurt and mad and, dammit, I’m grieving the loss of my sister too!  And I also matter! 

I have probably alienated a few members of my family.  But I can’t control how other people act and react and feel towards me. I can only control me.  The worst thing for me will be the little kids hearing Aunt Meme is a bad person. The thought of that kills me. 😞

I sat in the parking lot is Meijer today and cried.  Did I feel better afterwards?  No, I did not.  That will take time. 

I Can Breathe...

I have thought over and over again in my head what I want to write but when it came time to sit down and finally put my thoughts into words, I got lost.  These last two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions, feels, thoughts, aches and pains.  What started out as a simple trip to Fredericton to spend Mother's Day with my mom, turned into saying goodbye to another sister.

On April 12, I sent texts to my sister, Kelly, to let her know I was planning a trip home for a visit and was timing it to be able to be there for Mother's Day.  I always told Kelly first because it made her happy when I said I was coming home.  Ok, maybe I just thought she was excited by my visits but she always gave me a, "YAY!" or "That's awesome!" or "I can't wait!" and that was good for my ego!  LOL  

Monday of the week I was planning to leave,  I got a call from my mom that Kelly was being taken to the hospital by ambulance.  I knew she hadn't been feeling well after her kidney stone surgery but I had no idea she was feeling that bad.  So, I told mom to keep me posted.  She was admitted.  Her heart was in a-fib.  

I started my drive out on Thursday, and stopped in Massachusetts for the night.  Still had 7 ish hours to go.  I kept getting updates from mom and my nieces.  She was in the ICU.  Her lungs were being squeezed from so much fluid. She had infection all through her body.  She was septic.   She was slowly getting worse.  She was put on a bi-pap but couldn't handle the mask...it felt like she was being smothered, the next step was the ventilator.  :(

Friday morning, after a night of very little sleep, I wake up to a text that Kelly was on a ventilator.  She was heavily sedated and in no pain.  I just knew this was bad but I was praying for a positive outcome.  I headed out and made great time to Fredericton where my first stop was the hospital where trying to get into see my sister became a nightmare!  Because I came from the USA, I needed to provide proof of a negative covid test, which I did not have!  (My fault for not checking out the hospital rules better.)  But after waiting and hoping and my brother in law begging the nurse manager to let me in to see my sister, a nurse came down and administered a PCR test that they would rush through.  She said she was breaking rules to do this but she thought it the right thing to do.  An hour or so I was allowed up to see her.  

When I walked in and saw her, my heart broke.  I cried.  She looked so sick laying there.  She was asleep but I knew she could hear me.  So I talked to her.  I told her I wanted her to get better so she could go home.  I told her it wasn't her time to go yet.  I made some jokes because that's what we always did.  I spent time with her holding and rubbing her hand.  And I did something I have never done with my sister, I prayed over her.  It was then that I felt a peace and a comfort come over me and I knew that whatever would happen she was in God's hands.  Mom came in, she talked to Kelly for a bit but we had to leave.  I said my last I love you and my final good-bye to my sister.

Kelly has been sick for a long time.  A lot longer, I believe, than she ever let anyone know.  She had been in the hospital before and got better and came home.  But I don't know if she was she ever completely better.  Kelly has been in pain for years.  I know it wasn't easy for her.  Daily living was a struggle for her.  My heart broke to see her so sick and in so much pain.  

Saturday morning Kelly passed away.

My sister was no longer sick.  She was no longer in pain.  She was free from all of that.  Now, her family and loved ones are left hurting.  

I will miss her but I take comfort that she is with Nikki and our dad.  I also take comfort that she is no longer suffering. 

Rest in peace, my dear sista.  I love you! 

Thank You For Being a Friend…

 So, I am sitting here this evening and creeping people on Facebook (come on, you do it, too!  Lol) who used to be friends of mine.  Why was I looking at their pages you might ask?  Curiosity I guess.  You ever have FOMO (fear of missing out)?  Well, for a fraction of a second I had that.  So I creeped. And you know what?  I’m not missing out on anything. 

I am a firm believer that people come into our life for a reason and a season.  These past friends served a reason and a season in my life. That ended and I feel no ill feeling against them. I was bitter.  I was angry. I was hurt. “How can you stop talking to me?  “How can you not want to be my friend anymore!?’  It bothered me for quite awhile but like most things, I got over it and yanno what?  I’m ok.  My reason/season was fulfilled. I had many, many good times with these people. We bonded over countless life events (good and bad) and well, I considered them to be very good friends.  

One of these friends ended our friendship over text message.  I guess I saw the end coming.  The other, well, to this day I’m still not exactly sure what happened.  Well, I kind of know.  Sort of?  But I still don’t understand. I guess in contrast with how the other friendship ended, in a long text explaining why, this friendship just basically faded away. Not really any reasoning. It suddenly was…poof…gone. 

I’m not longing for these friendships back.  I’m not longing for past times.  I’m not the same person I was then.  And I’m pretty sure they aren’t either.  I have wonderful friends in my life.  I may not have dozens of them, but as I always told my kids, it’s quality….NOT quantity.  

So, why all of a sudden did all of this prompt me to write in my blog for the first time in like forever?  I dunno.  Lol. I have had a lot of thoughts in my head lately and in the past, writing about them has always helped me.  So, this post is therapeutic for me. I’m not hurting anymore about the loss of these friends.  I’m happy and I’m content and I am BLESSED with the wonderful people who want to be my friend.  

To those past friends, and to all of my friends…..

Thank you for being a friend.  ❤️

Just a Thought...or Two...

My husband told me last night that I "share" too many posts on Facebook.  Now, by that I mean he thinks I share posts that refer to the current president or are just political in nature.  He said, "It's not Michelle anymore."  I respect his opinion and I appreciate that he tells me how he feels.  I did get a little defensive....but that is just part of my nature I guess.  It's who I am.  

But it got me thinking, do I share too much political/potus stuff?  So I went back through the posts on my wall.  Nope, I don't believe that I do.  I mean some days are better than others, but for the most part there is a pretty good mix of my silly posts, cat pictures & memes and grandson posts and "other" stuff. 

Recently, yes, I have shared several posts but that's because they spoke to me and were a true reflection about how I am feeling about everything that is happening at the borders and with the immigration policies.  I could vent in a post on Facebook about the same things that I have shared, but that gets me into trouble, too! 

So, what is a girl to do?  lol

Several people have told me that I should limit my time on social media.  Or delete my Facebook.  or or or.  Well, that is all well and fine... if that's what they want to do.  That's what makes this world so great (which I am also questioning...is it??)...that we are all different.  I'm not going to change how I engage on social media.  I am not going to purposely limit my time to make others happy.  I have always had this theory that if someone doesn't like what I post or what I have to say then keep scrolling or unfollow/unfriend me.  I even told my loving hubby that he was free to unfollow me if he is sick of my shares.  :)  Did he?  Beats me, but I doubt it.  And I would understand and respect him if he did!

Social media is many things to me.  Its a place where I can come and keep up with and communicate with family and friends who live far away!  It's a place where I can share (many) silly pictures of my cats and show off my adorably handsome grandson!!  It's a place where I can come to "get out of a funk" with a few laughs when I feel Mr. Depression creeping around. And it's also a place where I can add my 2 cents to events that are happening in our world, or mostly this country I happen to live in.  It's all important to me.  It's all part of MY social media experience.  Yours might be different and that's cool!!

Live.  Love.  Laugh.

Life is short, man!!  The world is in enough chaos right now, do we really need to be telling each other how to act or think or write?  

I wish there were more kindness in the world.  

I wish people would compliment rather than criticize.  

Laugh instead of cry/yell.  

Love instead of hate.  

Love.

Love..

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always hopes, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

<3Just a Thought

I AM Enough...

Where to start.

I have a million thoughts in my head and a millions things to say.  But when it comes time to actually say them, my mind goes bezerk. This may or may not make any sense.  It's just me....being me.  :)

This past year or so has been very "different".  So much has changed. The more I think about it though, the more I am realizing that perhaps it's not that so much has changed....perhaps it's ME that has changed.  I think everything else has always been the way it is, I just saw it through different eyes.  

I have felt for a large majority of my life that I am not good enough.  

Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough (or at all).
Not skinny enough (again, or at all).
Not friendly enough.
Too shy and yet, ironically enough, too big of a mouth.
Too fat.
Not a good enough daughter.
Not a good enough sister.  
Not a good enough wife and mother.
Not a good enough Christian.

Not...good...enough.

Life can be sailing along great.  Those feelings get pushed down deep inside of me.  I have a great family....great friends....great life.

So when stuff happens, like friends "letting go" of my friendship.  Or friends stopping contact with me, for well, not really sure of the reason, but the contact stops.  Or when others just stop talking to you.  Or when you feel judged by the people at the place where you should feel safest and loved.  Or when your politics are very different from the majority of people you know (which could be the reason for the stopped contact, I dunno), and a whole bunch of other stuff happens, that ole, "not good enough" feeling comes back with a vengeance.

I don't want sympathy.  That's not what this is about.  

I have been mulling things over in my mind for many months.  Life has changed for me this past year.  It's been a great year or so.  I have so much to be thankful for, and I AM, but for some reason I can't seem to stop focusing on the fact that I have not been a "good enough" friend.  Maybe I'm not.  I don't know.  I can't read into the minds and hearts of other people to find out what they think of me. Or if they think of me at all.  I am trying to teach myself that it's none of my business what other people think of me.  It's just a tough lesson to teach, and learn!

I have come to the conclusion though that it doesn't matter what others think of me.  I know I am a good person.  I know I am good enough.  I may not be good enough for some people, but the people in my life, the people who matter the most in the world to me, I AM enough.

Better Late Than Never...

I wrote this post several months ago but never posted it.  I'm not sure why.  I felt guilty or weird or something, I don't know.  Maybe it just wasn't the "right" time.  I came here to Blogger tonight to write a new and different post and saw this, reread it and decided to post it.  My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts.  Writing them out helps.  Those thoughts may not always make sense once they are written, but it's healing for me.  Make sense?  :)

Here's the post.  Better late than never, right?  ;)

When you have "problems" in your friendships, do you blame yourself?  Or is that just me?  I mean, I know it takes two people to make a friendship, right?  Give and take?  But what happens when you give more than you take?  Sometimes there just isn't enough of yourself to give anymore.  Couple that with your own personal issues and then what?  

Several months ago I had to step aside from a friend who was dealing with issues of her own because I was dealing with my own demons (depression!). In hindsight, we both needed more of the "take" in the friendship and neither of us were able to fulfill that.  

So, as months passed, my depression subsided (as is pretty normal) and I started feeling that I hadn't been a good friend.  I don't know that I was or wasn't because we didn't really get together.  But, regardless, I felt shitty.  "How could you not have been there for a friend at such a bad time, Michelle?"  "How can you be so uncaring, Michelle?"  "What kind of friend are YOU, Michelle?"   

I wasn't a bad friend.  I was a friend who was also in need.  

But people don't always see eye to eye.  

I apologized for not being "there" in a time of need (though, I'm not sure exactly why I apologized for that when at the same time I was in need, too.)  We talked.  And even though I knew that it would take time to get back the relationship we once had, if we ever could, we were good.  I thought.

December 30th, 2016, I woke up to a text message I'll never forget.  "I have to let go of our friendship".  There was more but that was the gist.  I wasn't sure what to say or how to feel.  I was stunned.  I just sat and stared at my phone and read the message over and over....and it wasn't until I told Peter about it that I felt any emotion. Then I cried.  

Then I got angry.  And I thought to myself, how dare you do this via text message?!  I was angry for awhile.

Now, I feel a sense of calm about it all.  I miss the friendship we had in the beginning.  I don't miss the friendship it had turned into at the end.  I have good memories and good times to look back on.  I don't hate her.  I never have, and never will.  I wish her all the peace and well being this world has to offer her.    

Happy New Year...

I have heard a lot of people say that they are glad that 2016 is over.  While last year has had some "interesting" stuff happen *coughdonaldtrumppresidentcough*  lol, 2016 was a happy year for me in general.

My husband and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.  We celebrated the marriage of our daughter and her husband. and a few months later, we rejoiced in the news that we would become first time grandparents in 2017!

We had many good times and celebrations with family and friends in 2016.  I really do feel grateful and blessed.

In 2016, I became interested (some might called it obsessed!  lol) with politics!  Very new for me....the woman who used to HATE politics!

And then of course, like any year, 2016 was not without it's bumps.  Bumps that I got through.....bumps that I am still going through.  (Depression is a big bump for me.  One I fight with every day,)  But isn't life full of ups AND downs?  I don't think I could appreciate the good things in life if I never had anything bad happen.  If that makes sense.

So, I don't know if I can say that I am "glad" that 2016 is over and gone.  I look at it as another page has turned in this book called life.

I am excited for all that this new year has in store for me.  And for the things that don't necessarily go the way I expect or want, I'll deal.   I have my family and good friends who I know will be there for me.  And, I have God.  :)

New year, new me?  Nah.  New year?  Yes.  New me?  Nah...I LIKE the me that I am and that's all that matters.

Happy New Year!  Here's to a happy and healthy 2017!!  <3

Love, Me  :)

Brain Fart...

I have been thinking that it's time to start writing here again.  :)

Forgiveness...

Wow!  It's been awhile since I've written anything in here.  It's not been for lack of wanting to.  I have just had a hard time, lately, trying to figure out how to put the thoughts, swirling around in my head, into print.  I figure the best way is it just bite the bullet and do it, eh?  :)

I have really been working on not holding on to things.  By that I mean I am trying (I hate that word, btw) not to hold grudges, or resent people because they said something to me, maybe even years ago, that offended me or hurt my feelings.  Long story short, I am working on forgiveness, something I have struggled with my whole life.  

It's not easy to forgive someone for hurt they have caused me.  Words cut deep into my soul like a hot knife through butter.  I know in my heart that I need to forgive, I do, and I really, really do try.  But for some reason, to me, when I forgive someone for something they said or did to me that was rude, or mean, or hurtful, or offensive, it feels like I have said, "ok, no problem.  You hurt me and I'm ok with that."  Or better yet, it's like I have given them the okay to keep on doing it!  

I have come a long way though.  Well, at least I think I have.  But, hey, Rome wasn't built in a day now was it?  I can't expect to go from next to zero forgiveness to forgiveness all across the board! Some might disagree with that and I am pretty sure I can hear the arguments.  God forgives and so should I.  I get it.  I know.  But that doesn't mean that forgiving isn't hard.  

A couple of years ago, not long after the last presidential election, some things were said during a conversation with some friends.  I can't, for the life of me, seem to shake the ill feelings that I (still) have from that night. During that conversation I felt judged.  I felt like I was being attacked and I felt like that was a turning point in my relationship with these friends.  So, why do I feel like I need to offer forgiveness for being the one who was offended and hurt?  Good question.  Because perhaps it will give me peace when it's all said and done?  I dunno.  The last thing I've felt since that conversation with those friends has been peace.  So, not sure it's working for me too well.

When my sister was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago, I made a decision to be more present in her life.  I wanted to be there for her as well as my other family members.  That meant heading out east more frequently.  It also meant that my life took a turn and the things I had going on at the time became less important to me. And I don 't mean that they were any less important, but just that my priorities changed.  I think anyone in my situation would have felt the same.  Perhaps I didn't handle some of these changes in the right way.  I had less time for groups I was a part of.  I was ok with that.  But I still kinda tried to hang on a little bit because I loved it!!  Until I felt like they let me go.  I felt like they wrote me off from that group before I even wrote myself off.  :(  And that hurt.  A LOT.  

So, again, how do I forgive that?  Though that is easier  than the conversation one, I can't help but shake the feeling that I was only important enough when all was good and I was happy-go-lucky Michelle who was more than willing to do whatever was necessary and needed to help out.  I went through a tough time and I kinda felt like I was deserted.  That's MY perception.  And I'm working on the forgiveness thing here, too.

It's a daily struggle.  I have had many life changing events over the course of my 49 years.  For some reason, the two scenarios I wrote about stick with me.   Seems kind of trivial when I write about it.  But hurt feelings aren't trivial.  I need to let go and forgive.  Not for the people who hurt me....but for ME so I can finally get over it and move on.    :)

Think...

I have been trying to figure out how to write this post for days.  No, I take that back.....not days.  Much longer.....weeks. Months even.  The thing is, it shouldn't be that difficult of a post to write, but maybe it's what's on my mind that is the problem.  Or how to word it without hurting or offending someone.  Which I am pretty sure I will do regardless.  But that's par for he course with me.  I would much rather keep things inside sometimes and be hurt and disappointed myself than to risk hurting or offending other people.  *sigh*  

Why oh why do I have to have a conscience?  :)

And if you wanna think I am being immature or whatever, fine.  Think that.  If you want to think that I am being trivial.  Fine again.  This might not seem like a big deal to others, but it kinda is to me.

(I can hear my husband saying, "get on with it, Michelle!") lol

I like to share my feelings.  I'm not sure why, but it's healing or therapeutic for me to share.  Some people like to be private with how they are feeling and that's ok.  Of course there are topics that I keep to myself or share only with my husband, but for the most part, I'm kind of an open book (I think) when it comes to opening up and sharing what's on my mind.  Is there anything wrong with that?  I don't think so.  Obviously.  I am also a good listener when others want to talk to me and share their feelings.  But that's not the point of this.  

Years ago, I had another blog and I wrote EVERYTHING in there.  That was a different time in my life.  It served it's purpose and I don't regret it at all.  That blog was only open to strangers in the online world.  (Some of who have become friends in real life.)  I no longer have that blog.  But that blog helped me.  Weird?  Perhaps.

Then, a couple years ago, I started this one .  This blog is open to everyone.  My husband, family, friends.....everyone.  It started as a place to vent about the political crap I read online, rather than ranting about it on Facebook.  It never really amounted to anything in that way because I found a different purpose....writing my feelings about my sister after she passed away from cancer.  Again, I write here instead of posting long-ass statuses on Facebook and frustrating or annoying the people I might not be as close to as others with all my whining and boo hooing.  I share the link to this blog on Facebook and give you the choice to read it or not.  Trust me, I love and appreciate all of you who have taken the time and effort to read some of my innermost feelings!  It feels so good to know that you care enough to take 5 or so minutes to spend with me, even if it's just in word form.  I was explaining my feelings to someone once and I asked if they had read my blog, figuring it would just be easier to say "it's all in there".  Their response was that they didn't (ok, that's fine) that continued to say they get too much other junk mail and stuff to read.  Allrightythen.  Is this junk? 

I have high expectations of people.  I readily and whole heartily admit that.  I am learning to deal with that.  I am learning to lessen my expectations of people.  But, I guess when it comes right down to it, should I have to do that for people who are close to me?  Well, I guess I do.  

The past 2 (ish) years have been rough.  I became less involved in things because my focus was on my sister and family and visits to NB.  I don't know how it happened, and maybe it's all in my head, but relationships I had at one point started to change.....or dissolve.  Again, this is where my high expectations of friendships come in.  It was like once I wasn't around much anymore, I wasn't needed.  I had served my purpose.  That hurt.  Badly.  And, truth be told, it still hurts.  But oh well....what can ya do?  Move on.  Onward and upwards, right?  Yeah, well even though I have tough skin, I AM, after all, human.  

Well, that went a little off what I initially wanted to vent about here...lol 

So, this is what I wanted to say.  I put my feelings out here in this blog and I hope and wish every single time that my friends and family take the time to read them.   (And I know some of you do and I thank you sooo much!!)  This is ME, people.  If you don't like to write or don't feel it's "right" to share your feelings for the world to see.....fine, don't do it.  That's YOU.  But, I will tell you this.  IF you did....I would take the time to read what you wrote because I love you.  Because, obviously, if it was important enough to you to put out there, it's important enough for me to take the time to read it!  :)

I'm not begging you to read my stuff.  I'm not.  That's up to you. 

But I am asking you to think.  

Just think.

:)

It's Been....One Year...

Lately, I have been thinking about my sister, Nikki, a LOT.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I think about her every day, but the past couple of weeks it's been....more intense...for some reason.  Maybe because we are coming up on a year, next month, since she died.  (I still shiver every time I say that.  "She died."  Ugh)  I am not sure, but I know she has been on my mind and on my heart a little more than usual.  

In fact, it was this day one year ago, that her doctor came into her hospital room and told her that there was nothing more they could do and that she only had 3-6 weeks left to live.  It was this day, one year ago that I flew out there to spend her last remaining weeks with her and my family.  

I will never, ever regret the decision to do that.  I spent almost 6 weeks away from my husband and kids (adult kids but still!) and I don't regret it for one second.  So many wonderful memories were made in that time.  It's kind of amazing when I think about it.  I mean, at such a sad time we had some of the best times of our lives.   Maybe because we made memories, strengthened relationships....gained a closeness that we never really had before?  I'm not sure.  We all knew what was coming, we just didn't know when.  I don't know how she did it to be honest.  She was so strong and she put on such a brave face (90% of the time) and she was rarely without a smile.  She smiled even tough she knew she was dying.   :(  

My Mom and my sisters have always talked about loved ones coming to "visit" them after they had passed away.  I was never into that and it always, to be honest, kinda freaked me out.....no...just plain scared the bejeebers out of me!  A few months ago, my sister, Kelly, told me on different occasions how her 2 year old grandson, Kaden, (my little great nephew : ) would tell her he was talking to Nikki or that he saw Nikki and he would point to where he saw her or he would repeat what she said to him.  It's always been said that kids are the most honest people out there....lol  I know it sounds freaky but it made me, the scaredy skeptic, wonder.  Then just the other day I had a conversation with my sister on Facebook.  I am sharing it here and I hope she doesn't mind.  It just touched my heart so much.

• Kelly Price-Doucet

  On a brighter note...our sister came to me last night...the most beautiful sight I have ever seen...she looked so pretty and healthy...and young...I opened my eyes and she was beside me...she touched my cheek...and smiled at me...and she was gone...

  I cried so much
• 

  4/28, 12:22pm

  Michelle Warren Huizinga

  awwwww really????
• 

  4/28, 12:24pm

  Kelly Price-Doucet

  yea...it was real...I wasn't dreaming
• 

  4/28, 12:24pm

  Michelle Warren Huizinga

  I don't know if I would be happy or afraid

  but I'm glad it was a happy thing for you!
• 

  4/28, 12:25pm

  Kelly Price-Doucet

  I wasn't afraid...but I was so sad that I couldn't talk to her...and she was gone...but I felt her touch my cheek...
• 

  4/28, 12:25pm

  Michelle Warren Huizinga

  that gave me goosebumps.
• 

  4/28, 12:27pm

  Kelly Price-Doucet

  I prayed yesterday morning...after church...I prayed that I would somehow know that she was ok...and that I needed healing because I miss her and love her so much...
• 

  4/28, 12:28pm

  Michelle Warren Huizinga

  Well, I think that was your answer to your prayer.

  did you go to church?
• 

  4/28, 12:28pm

  Kelly Price-Doucet

  yes
• 

  4/28, 12:28pm

  Michelle Warren Huizinga
• 

  4/28, 12:28pm

  Kelly Price-Doucet

  all by myself
• 

  4/28, 12:28pm

  Michelle Warren Huizinga

  awwwww that's so cool
• 

  4/28, 12:28pm

  Kelly Price-Doucet

  I needed it
• 

  4/28, 12:28pm

  Michelle Warren Huizinga

  I know that feeling
• 

  4/28, 12:29pm

  Kelly Price-Doucet

  the only way I can explain it...I just needed it
• 

  4/28, 12:29pm

  Michelle Warren Huizinga

  you don't have to ecplain it to me. I know that feeling

  explain*

That made me cry.  And it was at that point that I thought....."awww man, I wanna see her, too!"  lol  Can you believe that?  I do have to share that just before Nikki died, and I was alone with her I leaned down and whispered to her (and I know this probably sounds ridiculous to everyone!  lol) ....."Bickett, don't you come and scare me after you're gone!  Don't you do that!!"  As I read that now I realize how goofy it sounds....lol  But, she did know that I would get freaked out when I heard that kind of talk.  She has never come to visit me, and that's ok (because I do think I would probably pee my pants or something!  lol) but I do know that she has made her presence known to me in other ways.  Subtle, softer ways that don't scare me but rather, offer me peace. 

It's been one year.  Not since her death....but one year since she was told she was going to die.  I was on an airplane en route to Fredericton that morning.  This is the Facebook message I had from her when I turned on my phone upon landing.

Nicole

I .need you

Sent from Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada

My heart has forever been changed because of her.  My outlook on certain things has changed.  Life is short.  

Live, laugh, love.

I miss you so much, Bickett!!  I love you baby sista!  <3

Barefaced Selfie For Cancer??

Anyone who knows me, or who has seen my Facebook page, has seen that I am one of those (probably annoying) people who post a lot of "selfies".  (In case you live under a rock, a selfie is, well, a self taken picture of yourself...posted for the world to see.  lol)

Those who know me also know that I like my makeup and I am not one to go out much without makeup.  Is this a vanity thing?  Nah, I don't think so.  Maybe more of a comfort thing.  Or a self confidence thing.  I can only speak for myself on that though.  Everyone has their reasons for the things they do.

Recently, I have been seeing a lot of women posting selfies on Facebook with no makeup whatsoever.  Why?  Well, initially I had no clue.  I asked and some people said it was to help young girls realize that they didn't need makeup to be beautiful.  Ok....that makes sense.  :)  Most didn't know why people were doing it.  And then one person said it was to raise awareness for cancer.

Cancer awareness?  That got my attention.

So I Googled "barefacedselfie".  It started in the UK.  Women posted pictures of themself with no makeup with various hashtags.  #barefacedselfie #cancerawareness #curecancersooner, etc.  And even to a link where one could make a donation to cancer research.  Not a bad thing, right?

Well, of course, when this idea made it's way to North America, the vanity started.  The barefaced selfies became just that.......a picture with no makeup....no hashtags, no links, leaving viewers confused (like I was) as to the reason for the photo.  I'm not saying ALL....but I looked around and the majority of the pics posted from the US and Canada had no explanation.  That's fine. But like I said, it left me curious and I assume others as well.  It also left viewers thinking it was just another attention seeking attempt by some.  (And probably true in many cases!)  

Now, again for those of you who know me, KNOW that I recently lost my baby sister to cancer.  She is not the only one I know who has lost the fight with that horrible disease, cancer has taken the life of several people I knew and cared about.  But she was my sister and I was one of the loved ones right there with her during her fight.  So, hell yeah, I am all for bringing awareness to cancer! 

So, how does taking a selfie make people think of cancer?  Good question.  So many people have been touched by a loved one who had cancer and died or who is fighting it right now!  Or they are in their own struggle!  Or are in remission.  Etc, etc.  If I post a photo of myself with no makeup on, and make sure to add a message stating WHY I am doing it, and showing my support for those who have had or do have the disease, and people see it and/or comment on it, then I have brought the word cancer to the conversation.  Then I have raised, if even only a teensy tiny bit, of cancer awareness.  It is a means of support for those who are fighting cancer and it's a means of support for those who have lost someone to cancer.  If this is a bad thing then shame on me for being caring. 

So, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is.  I am posting my own barefaced selfie.  (Along side of a with makeup one so you can see I really am barefaced).   I am not posting a link to a donation page.  (I think everyone knows how to Google the Cancer Society) And I am not going to apologize or justify why I am doing this.  My husband and I have made a generous donation to the cancer society and will continue to do so.  I say that for anyone who wants to challenge that I am only doing this for vanity purposes.  I put my money where my mouth is.  :)

So, here I am.  With makeup and barefaced. Will you join me and put up your own picture?  Or make a donation?  Or spread the word?  Anything you do WILL raise awareness.

It's Not Sadness....

I'm pissed off.

I don't mean just right now at this minute.  I mean I'm pissed off in general.  And the thing is, I....don't....know....why!

Everything (and I realize words like "every" and "always" are not words I should use since they have a very broad meaning) seems to get on my nerves lately.  And really, it's not me.  I'm not an angry, bitter, pissy person.  Typically, I'm a happy go lucky, easy going gal.  I hate that I feel like this.  

I initially thought it was my depression creeping back into my life to once again make me miserable....but I'm not so sure.  I mean, there is probably something to that.  But I think it all stems from the anger I have been recently feeling about Nikki dying.  Who am I kidding?  I AM depressed.  I am once again struggling with depression because of this.  There...I said it.  Ugh!

Yes, I realize it's been like 8 months.  I was ok with it at first.  Well, not "ok".  I was really sad and I missed her and everything but I wasn't mad!!  (And I know about the stages of grief.)  Now....for the last month or so....I am pissed off.  Not AT Nikki....but because she is gone.  Because cancer took her!!!  It sucks and it pisses me off!!!  I want her back.  I want to continue with the relationship we were establishing.  I want to have more "one on one" talks in the car with her.  Or at the crappy sushi restaurant in Fredericton.  I want to get to KNOW her better.  We lost way too much time when I moved away.  That is no one's fault, it's just the direction our lives took.  I am just thankful for the past few years we had and establishing a relationship.  

I know I can't physically have her back.  I'm not a moron.  But I think that anyone who has lost a loved one wishes they could bring them back.  No one wants to lose someone they love.  I do have her with me.  All the time.  In my heart.  I think about her.  I talk to her.  I miss her and I love her.

So yeah, I'm pissed off.  I have  lashed out at people I care about (mostly my husband).  I have lashed out at people on Facebook.  I have little or no desire to even be with my friends who I love dearly.  If I had a choice, I would become a hermit and sit in the house all day, every day.  And spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself.  Or being pissy.  Or crying.  Because I have been through depression before, I recognize this and I am working to fix it.  It's not a quick fix.  It's not an easy fix.  It requires patience from me AND from my family and friends.  (Personally, I think some people have given up on me and have decided that I an just a bitter old woman.)  It's been said that "I just want to give you space" or "I don't know what to do" or "I figure if you need me you will ask".  Come on!  Really?  It hurts me that friends have stepped aside.  When the going gets tough, abandon that person?  Nice.  I can think of a few who this holds true.....and I'm not gonna lie....it sucks.  :(   If anyone thinks that "depression" is not real or is a cop out on how to  handle real life problems, then to that I say..be gone from my life.  Sorry....just truth.  Educate yourself.

Anyway, I didn't write this as a blame session.  Depression is hard.  Many don't understand it and think it's easy to just not be sad anymore.  It's NOT just a feeling of sadness.  And it's not just something I can snap out of.  If I could, trust me, I would because this is not easy.  Literally, it sucks most of my energy from me.  It causes me physical pain and sickness.  Not exactly things I would choose to have.  So, again, I am working on it.  

So, yes, I miss my sister every day.  And yes, I am angry that she is gone, but I know where she is.  I know she is safe in the arms of God and I know she is now painless and cancer free.  I know I will see her again some day.  I know she is with each and every one that she loved.  She always will be.  But I still miss her!!!

Because of her, I choose to look at every day as a blessing.  I am working on finding the positives in life instead of focusing on the negatives.  Life is short.  Too short and we never know when our time here on earth is done.  Yes, I am struggling with this whole depression thing, I also know that it's not permanent.  Finding the good, the positives, the blessings in everything...in every day...will help.