Barefaced Selfie For Cancer??

Anyone who knows me, or who has seen my Facebook page, has seen that I am one of those (probably annoying) people who post a lot of "selfies".  (In case you live under a rock, a selfie is, well, a self taken picture of yourself...posted for the world to see.  lol)

Those who know me also know that I like my makeup and I am not one to go out much without makeup.  Is this a vanity thing?  Nah, I don't think so.  Maybe more of a comfort thing.  Or a self confidence thing.  I can only speak for myself on that though.  Everyone has their reasons for the things they do.

Recently, I have been seeing a lot of women posting selfies on Facebook with no makeup whatsoever.  Why?  Well, initially I had no clue.  I asked and some people said it was to help young girls realize that they didn't need makeup to be beautiful.  Ok....that makes sense.  :)  Most didn't know why people were doing it.  And then one person said it was to raise awareness for cancer.

Cancer awareness?  That got my attention.

So I Googled "barefacedselfie".  It started in the UK.  Women posted pictures of themself with no makeup with various hashtags.  #barefacedselfie #cancerawareness #curecancersooner, etc.  And even to a link where one could make a donation to cancer research.  Not a bad thing, right?

Well, of course, when this idea made it's way to North America, the vanity started.  The barefaced selfies became just that.......a picture with no makeup....no hashtags, no links, leaving viewers confused (like I was) as to the reason for the photo.  I'm not saying ALL....but I looked around and the majority of the pics posted from the US and Canada had no explanation.  That's fine. But like I said, it left me curious and I assume others as well.  It also left viewers thinking it was just another attention seeking attempt by some.  (And probably true in many cases!)  

Now, again for those of you who know me, KNOW that I recently lost my baby sister to cancer.  She is not the only one I know who has lost the fight with that horrible disease, cancer has taken the life of several people I knew and cared about.  But she was my sister and I was one of the loved ones right there with her during her fight.  So, hell yeah, I am all for bringing awareness to cancer! 

So, how does taking a selfie make people think of cancer?  Good question.  So many people have been touched by a loved one who had cancer and died or who is fighting it right now!  Or they are in their own struggle!  Or are in remission.  Etc, etc.  If I post a photo of myself with no makeup on, and make sure to add a message stating WHY I am doing it, and showing my support for those who have had or do have the disease, and people see it and/or comment on it, then I have brought the word cancer to the conversation.  Then I have raised, if even only a teensy tiny bit, of cancer awareness.  It is a means of support for those who are fighting cancer and it's a means of support for those who have lost someone to cancer.  If this is a bad thing then shame on me for being caring. 

So, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is.  I am posting my own barefaced selfie.  (Along side of a with makeup one so you can see I really am barefaced).   I am not posting a link to a donation page.  (I think everyone knows how to Google the Cancer Society) And I am not going to apologize or justify why I am doing this.  My husband and I have made a generous donation to the cancer society and will continue to do so.  I say that for anyone who wants to challenge that I am only doing this for vanity purposes.  I put my money where my mouth is.  :)

So, here I am.  With makeup and barefaced. Will you join me and put up your own picture?  Or make a donation?  Or spread the word?  Anything you do WILL raise awareness.

Carrots...

Tonight I made chicken and cooked carrots for dinner.  For some odd reason, when I was cutting up those carrots and putting them into the pot, I was thinking about Nikki.  Now, I KNOW that sounds totally crazy....so let me explain.  lol  Every time I went out east, we would all gather at my sister Kelly's place and usually we would all chip in making dinner.  I will always picture Nikki sitting at the kitchen table cutting up something.....and quite often that something was carrots.  lol  I don't know why, but I guess we ate a lot of meals with carrots in them.  But since she wasn't the greatest cook (hey, she would admit to that, too!!  lol) she did prep work.  Cutting veggies...grating cheese...peeling potatoes.  It's so weird what will trigger memories.  I never in a million years would ever think that carrots would cause me to think of my baby sister.  

The funny thing, though......I had a craving for those dang carrots ALL day.  :)

Humor is Good Medicine....

I was scrolling through Facebook today, as usual, and I came across a post that one of my friends had shared.  It was "The 19 Most Romantic Things That Happened in 2013".  Most were photos, but there were a few videos.  I came across one, and for many reasons, it made me think of my sister, Nikki.  I will post the video on here at the end of this post, and when you see it you might think, WHY would a video of a husband doing something so romantic for his wife, something to make her laugh,  during her chemo treatments remind me of my sister.  Well, I will tell you.  

He wanted to make her laugh during a very rough time.  

When Nikki spent her last few weeks in the hospital, I wanted her to laugh.  I was, as I called myself, her "comic relief".  (Weird, I know...lol)  I don't know if she actually thought I was funny or not or if she was laughing at/with me to appease me.....but I tried anyway.  I knew....we ALL knew...that she was going to die and, trust me, that is a terrible thing to "wait" for.  I didn't want her to spend her every waking minute with us, being sad or feeling blue or seeing us all cry!  You know?  Of course we WERE sad and of course we DID cry!  And that was ok, too!   But when I could, I tried to be funny....to make her smile and even laugh.  To help her forget, if even for a few minutes (or even seconds) her inevitable fate.

In the beginning, it was easier to do that because she was more conscious.  But as the weeks went on, she was asleep more and more, or "medicated".  But I knew she was well aware of her surroundings.  I knew she could hear us talking and I still wanted her to smile.  Did she?  Yes and no.  Not always that we could see....but I know she was smiling on the inside.  She was probably laughing at how incredible silly we all were, and that's ok....we were!! 

I think that some people don't think it's "right" to laugh or be funny when a loved one is suffering/sick/dying.  Maybe it's not.  Or maybe it's not "right" for that person or family.  I believe it was right for our family and I believe it was right for Nikki.  There was a time and a place, of course.  I don't think I ever crossed a line of inappropriateness.  Everyone has their way of dealing.  Mine is with humor.  

So, this is the video that got me thinking....watch it.  It's not the same situation....but it's very cool indeed.  :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FF_m6HBPufA#t=10

Change Is Good...

I can't explain how I feel like I have changed over this past year or so, but I have.  Kind of a dumb way to start a post  eh?  Very random...lol  But this is something I have been thinking about a lot lately.  I'm not sure if I have written about this in other posts or not....I haven't gone back and re-read them...but I may have touched on it.  

I'm not even sure how to write about this subject.  I mean, I have changed.  I KNOW it.  I can FEEL it.  I'm not saying that I have become this completely different person or anything like that.  (Though, in a way I think I have.)  I guess what I mean is that my priorities have changed.   Things that used to be important to me before are somehow not, or not AS important.  The term "don't sweat the small stuff" has taken on a whole new meaning and significance to me.  I don't get upset (as much) by the little things that used to make me crazy!  It's just not worth it.  

The little quirks in people that used to really bother me, don't bother me as much.  If that person is important to me I accept the quirks as part of them and move on and somehow the quirks have become less noticeable   If they aren't important to me, I have realized I can remove people from my life and it's not the end of the world.  I don't NEED 10,000 people around me to feel important and loved. I need those people who genuinely love me and genuinely care for me and genuinely accept me and genuinely like ME for who I am!  I have discovered that many people just say or do what they think is "right".  Nah, that jut doesn't cut it for me.  Be real or be gone.  Sorry if that seems harsh, but that's reality for me.  

I have been through some pretty crappy stuff in my lifetime, but I think the whole process from my sister getting sick to, sadly, her death, has to be one of the worst things I have been through. BUT....I will say this...as horrible as it was, somehow I came out of it all a changed Michelle.  

Life is somehow different.

My baby sister changed me.  I don't think she knew that she did, I never told her, but then I guess I never really realized it until after she passed away.  I talk to her though, and I have told her that because of her, my perspective on life is different.  So, I know she knows.  I DID, however, tell her how proud of her I was and how strong I thought she was.  Of course, I made her (and myself) cry when I said those things, but at the same time, it lead to some awesome bonding moments that I will have in my heart for the rest of my life!

I am sure some of you reading this (this is assuming people actually read this blog!) are thinking I'm kinda nutso.  Well, all I will say to that is this.  You go through the process my family went through....from a diagnosis, to surgery, to hope of remission, to watching your loved one breathe her last breaths and you tell me that all of that hasn't changed you and made you look at pretty much everything in your life from a completely different perspective! 

I Miss You...

I miss Nikki.  :(  

I have been thinking about her a LOT the past few days...and she has been in my dreams every night for the past few nights.  Maybe she knows I have been thinking about her.  I don't know.  But I miss her.

Don't get me wrong, I miss all the rest of my family, too.  Very much!  But, thankfully, I can call them...or text...or Facebook ...or GO there and see them!!  I can't do that with Nikki.  :(   So, I miss her.

I do talk to her, though.  And I am sure she is looking down at me, shaking her head saying something smart assed and/or sarcastic to me.  ('Cause that's how she rolled!)  :)  But I do talk to her.  Like it or not baby sista, that's what I am gonna do!  (And, I promise I am not giving you shit!  lol)  :)

I miss you, Bickett!  <3

Flowers...

One of the things that Nikki had to do once she was told that she only had 4-6 weeks left to live, was help plan her funeral.  Ok, well she didn't HAVE to I guess.  We could have just taken the bull by the horns and planned it all, and just did it the way we THOUGHT it should be...but that's not what we wanted to do.  Kelly had the sad job of sitting down with her and asking her what her wishes were.  I KNOW that was hard for her.  I'm sure it was hard for BOTH of them.  :(  But Kelly was the best person for that job.  Her and Nikki were always closest.  Sisters AND best friends.  

There were several things that she specifically wanted.  (But this post isn't about all of her funeral requests.  :)  Bear with me here.) One of the things that Nikki said she wanted at her funeral was LOTS and LOTS of pretty flowers!  She got her wish.  She had SO many beautiful flower arrangements surrounding her.  I think we all made similar comments when we walked into the funeral home.  "Oh, look at all the flowers!"  and "She would LOVE this!"  and "It's just what she wanted!" etc.  I think we all cried, too.  For a variety of reasons, but seeing all the flowers and knowing that that is what she wanted....well, it was very special.  :)

After the funeral, everyone was taking some of the smaller arrangements home with them.  And the remainder of them went to the nursing home up the road.  I was a little jealous.  I couldn't take any flowers home.  :(  Peter and I had to leave the next day to drive back to the States and you're not supposed to take flowers and stuff across the border. That, and there is no way a beautiful arrangement would still be beautiful by the time we got back home to Michigan...lol

So, I cut a 3 or 4 of my favorite flowers and took a ribbon that was wrapped around one of the vases.  My intention was to take them home and press them into a book or something.  By the time I got home, however, they were pretty wilted, so I just hung them upside down until they dried.  They hung upside down until today when I FINALLY did something with them.  

No, I didn't 

press them.  I made them into an ornament.  :) I bought a big plastic bulb, and put the dried flowers in it and tied the ribbon around the top.   It's not done yet, though.  I am going to print off a picture of Nikki and slip it into the bulb....and somehow write her name, date of birth and date of death on the bulb.  

I will be honored and proud to display this bulb on our Christmas tree this year.  :)

The Cattle Baron's Ball...

Tonight Peter and I went to an event called The Cattle Baron's Ball. This is a fundraising event for the American Cancer Society.  You dress up in country & western wear and go eat, drink and be merry. You listen to live country music, check out a silent auction as well as the *yikes* live auction!  Cha ching!  It's a fun time, and what makes it even more special is that all the proceeds from tonight's event go to the American Cancer Society.  

Part of me was SO not looking forward to this thing tonight.  I kept wishing Peter would say he didn't want to go.  LOL  But that didn't happen, so we put on our cowboy/cowgirl gear and off we went.  

And it was fun.  Lots of great food.  Lots of (free) wine, beer and other drinks.  So we mosey around checking things out.  Peter even bid on a couple of items in the silent auction but he didn't win. Awww.    

We walk around, sampling the different foods and drinking our Coronas.  Yum.  Then I had my first emotional moment of the evening.  I knew this was a cancer fundraiser and, obviously, raising money to find a cure for cancer is pretty near and dear to me, but when we first got there it was like any other event, except I was in a cowboy hat....lol  Then we came to the Memorial Trees.  You can write the name of someone who has lost the battle with cancer and they will add that name on one of the trees.  

 So, I wrote Nikki's name on a tag and they hung it.  It was then that it hit me the reason for this whole big deal of an event.  Cancer took Nikki's life, and cancer affected every single one of us who knew and loved her!!  Cancer affected me!!

A little while later, we go into another room where they have speakers and the live auction.  Let me tell you, I was surprised at how emotional I was just listening to the people speak.  I had no idea that it would hit me like that!!  So, I am sitting there listening to the speakers, and I am crying.  It really struck a nerve with me!  I was one of those people who's life has been changed by cancer.  No, I wasn't the one who had it, but someone I loved very much did.  :(

I am glad that I was able to be a part of tonight.  :)

That's a lot of words to tell a short story, huh?  lol  Well, details are my thing as my husband tells me. ;)  Takes me a little while to tell a story.  

Oh...and speaking of my dear husband.  After the live auction and the THOUSANDS of dollars they raised with just that, they did this thing asking for donations.  You could raise your "paddle" (the paper with the numbers in the photo was our paddle) and say how much you want to donate. Peter raised his and made a generous donation to The American Cancer Society.  (American, Canadian....it doesn't matter to cancer and it doesn't matter to me! It all  helps!!)  I said he didn't have to do that, but he said he wanted to and that it was a very good cause.  His words were:  "Thinking about Nikki, hope that no one else has to say  good-bye."  Thank you, Honey!  I love you!  <3

Thinking about you, Bickett.  Tonight....and always.  <3

Gone But Not Forgotten...

Sometimes it doesn't feel like Nikki is gone.  

And by gone, I mean passed away.  Not gone to the store, or gone for a walk, etc.  She's REALLY gone.  I think because I have lived away from Fredericton, and my family, for so long, I got used to not being near them, not having them around, and for them not having me being really much of a part of their lives.  That is the reality.  So, even though I spent a lot of time with her during her illness, and was constantly with her for the last few weeks of her life, sometimes it still just doesn't seem real.

I mean...I KNOW she died (I still hate that word!!!) and I know that she's not coming back.  But like tonight, for instance, I am on Facebook playing Bingo and chatting to a friend and scrolling pages and I see the Nicole Lee Price - R.I.P page we made and I opened it up and looked at the photos of her on there and it hit me like a ton of bricks....and I said to myself (as a chill went through  my body) "she is gone, Michelle!!"

Is this normal after losing a loved one?  

  

All I know is that it sucks.  I mean, I am happy that she is pain free, not suffering, in Heaven...but I miss my baby sista.  :(

*tear*

Edit:  I posted this picture on Facebook back in '08 and this is the thread that followed.  Soooo Nikki....lol

• Nicole P lol we r so damn beautiful....lmao

  July 13, 2008 at 6:55pm · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga Damn straight!! hehe

  July 13, 2008 at 7:12pm · Like
• 

  Nicole P lol and my hair looked amazing

  July 13, 2008 at 7:29pm · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga Well, not as good as mine (lmao!) but yes it did!!! lol

  July 13, 2008 at 7:44pm · Like
• 

  Kelly Price-Doucet oh my good god

  July 13, 2008 at 9:28pm · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga I'm starting to think me and Nikki are alike in more ways than just our beautiful looks!! hehehe LOL

  July 13, 2008 at 10:09pm · Like
• 

  Kelly Price-Doucet you can say THAT again...sheesh...lol.

  July 14, 2008 at 6:34am · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga LMAO

  July 14, 2008 at 11:18am · Like
• 

  Nicole P lmaooooooooo got love it!!

  July 14, 2008 at 3:14pm · Like
• 

  Nicole P that is a hot pic of us...lol...

  January 19, 2009 at 7:26pm · Like

I'm a Believer...

During the duration of my sister's illness, from her diagnosis to her death, I asked for prayers for her.  I was asked a lot of questions about her illness, from "what type of cancer?", to "how long does she have?", etc, etc.   All reasonable questions.  But there was one question that I really didn't know how to answer (and kinda sorta had a bit of a problem with, to be perfectly honest)....and it was asked a lot..."Is she a believer?"  

How does one answer that question anyway?  I never felt like there was a clear cut answer.  If I said no, I felt like I was saying that she didn't believe in God and had no religious beliefs at all.  Which was not the case.  If I said yes, I was inferring that she had given her life over to Christ and accepted Him as her savior, and I wasn't sure at that point if she had.  So, I never knew how to answer.  "Just please pray", was what I was thinking.

So....if someone is a believer, they are deserving of prayers but if they're not, they we shouldn't pray for them?   I know the answer to that is that we should pray for everyone....no matter who they are, but then, WHY is that question asked?.  "Is she a believer?"   You want to know what I REALLY wanted to say?  "Who cares?!  Does it matter??  If I say she's not a believer you won't pray for her?"  I felt kind of offended by that question even though I know that no harm (or offense) was meant by it.  Maybe I was just being sensitive....which I guess I had (have) reason to be!

Don't get me wrong, my family and I SO appreciate ALL of the prayers, thoughts, concerns, everything!  And FYI, Nikki did become a "believer" before she passed away.   :)  But, I like to think that the prayers were being said for her even though no one really knew whether she was or not.  Shouldn't we pray even more, or harder, for those who do not know God?  

I miss my sister.  I miss her SO much.  :(  I know I will see her again one day.  But for now, I miss her here on earth with us.  

Just some thoughts swirling around in this head of mine.  Keep in mind, even though I share these posts, they are NOT directed towards anyone.  They are MY thoughts and vents and, as I have said before, it feels good to write them.....and to share them.

Talk the Talk...

"Sometimes family members don't talk about their grief to each other because the relationships are so close, and there is so much raw pain.  Sometimes siblings don't talk about their deceased brother or sister because they are afraid of causing pain and upset to each other or to their parents."

I read that while surfing around blogs about cancer and losing siblings and family members to cancer.  I thought it was interesting because that's one thing we do, we ALL talk about Nikki. :) 

I was in Fredericton for a little over a week and there were many conversations about Nikki.  We had some serious ones but mostly we just talked about her to remember her because it feels good! Sure, we are sad that she isn't here with us anymore.  But she is with us.....yanno?  She will forever be with each one of us...in our heart.  

I hope that we will always talk about her, remember her, laugh about some silly things she said or did, and even cry for her.  Nikki, whether she knew it or not, brought us all closer.  Would I prefer it it she were here with us, enjoying all this bonding??  Absolutely!!!  But, sadly, that's not possible.  So, I will take comfort in knowing that she is in a good place, watching over us and smiling.  

AND.....we all know.....she is probably snapping her fingers with her diva attitude saying something like, "Oh yeah, I'm good! Uh huh!!"   :)

A Picture Paints a Thousand Words....

I take a lot of pictures.  I'm not sure if it's a good thing that I have an iPhone or not because it seems I am forever taking pictures of someone or something.  Nah, it's a good thing.  I like taking photos.  I like the memories they hold. :)

When I was out east for those 5 1/2 weeks in May/June, I took a lot of pictures with my phone.  Sometimes the people I was taking pictures of didn't realize I was even taking a picture!  lol   Those ended up being some of my favorite photos....and memories.  :)  I have a lot of pictures of Nikki on my phone....(which I probably should save somehow in case my phone ever crashes and I lose them all!  That would totally suck!)  and many of them I had posted onto Facebook or Instagram.

There is one picture that I took and never posted, though.  I'm not sure why, I almost think it seemed a little "wrong".  But, today, after reading on Facebook how much Kelly is hurting and how much she misses Nikki, somehow it feels "right".  Kelly and Nikki were not just sisters of 42 years....they were best friends!  Kelly lost a MAJOR part of her world...a major part of her life...when Nikki passed away.  

This picture was taken June 13th, just a few hours before Nikki passed away (which is why it felt wrong to post it) and it pretty much sums up the feelings between these two.  I can see so much love there.  <3  

It's ok to miss her, Kelly....and it's ok to grieve.  I know she is looking out for you.  I know she is still touching your life and I know she ALWAYS will be.  

Change...?

I have changed.

I know that sounds like a vague yet very broad statement.  But it's true. I have changed.  Ok, well not every little single thing about me has changed.  But, in general, yanno?

So, what changed me?  I don't think I can pinpoint any one thing specifically, but I am pretty sure that it has to do with the events of the past year and a half or so.  In other words, the process that led to my sister dying.

I dunno....I can't even put into words, really, of what I mean by "I have changed".  When I received that call from my mother that my baby sister had cancer....I didn't know what to think.  Or say. Or feel.  I kinda went numb.  Really?  Nikki has cancer??  How? Where?  WHY???  It was advanced....blah. blah. blah.  Something right then.....in that moment, started a change in me.  My family....outside of my husband and my kids...became a priority.  Now, I don't mean to say that they never were before.  But, truth be told....we weren't always a mushy, gushy, lovey, dovey kind of family.  Yes, we loved each other, and yes, our relationships were developing and strengthening but ....what!!??  My sister has cancer???!!  Well, this threw us all for a loop and, I feel, was the like a big strong magnet that was bringing us all close together!  Does that make any sense at all??  

I started making trips to Fredericton.  To be there when Nikki had surgery.  To be there for a chemo appointment so I could be with her and see what she was going through.  To be there when she went to the oncologist to get results after her first round of chemo.  To be there for my Mom!  To be there for Kelly! To just....be there!!  In the process of all of these visits and appointments and conversations, we all became....closer.  I developed a relationship with my two younger sisters that, honestly, I never thought I would have.  I strengthened my relationship with my Mom.  And I got to "know" my nieces and nephews on deeper level.  

There were phone calls and text messages and lots of Facebook! And of course, many trips to Freddie.   I lost count how many times I flew out there.  Every time I went, though, it was harder and harder to leave.  Especially when we were told that she was dying.  That's the sucky part of living 1000 miles from family!  Ya always have to leave.  :(

So, what's the change in me?  All that didn't really explain it, did it? I'm not sure I know myself exactly .  I do know that I have become more patient.  I have become more empathetic....and sympathetic.  I have become more accepting of the little quirks in people that would normally drive me up a tree!  I have decided that I do not need negativity in my life and I take steps to eliminate what I can.  I think more before I act (or speak) because, well, everyone has a story.  

I've had a lot of hurt this past year and a half.  Losing my sister was the worst of it.  Everything else seems minor in comparison   But, regardless, hurt is hurt.  And it changes people.

Watching my sister die was one of THE hardest things I have ever done in my life.  But it strengthened me!  It strengthened my relationship with my family.  It changed me.

I have changed.  :)

A Yell of a Time...

I remember the last visit I made to Fredericton, the one just before Nikki went into the hospital for the last few weeks of her life.  More specifically, I remember the day before I left to go back to Michigan.  Why?  Because I yelled at her.  Well, we kind of yelled at each other.  But I started it.  

It was stupid and insignificant now that I look back on it.  I remember why I yelled.  It was to kick her butt!  My sick sister, having gone through all she had, having radiation treatments at that time....and I found it necessary to give her shit.  What was I thinking?  Pfft.  

So, we yelled.  And then we cried.  And we cried some more.  I will never forget it for many reasons.  One reason being that it took place in our sister Kelly's house, which is always jumping and hopping with some kind of noise, but you could have heard a pin drop (aside from me and Nikki yelling at each other!  lol)  I will never forget it because I made my sister cry.  :(  I don't regret it, though.  Yes, I look back now and I feel horrible because she's not here anymore.  But it was all in love if that makes sense.  It gave her a little kick in the pants that she needed at that time and, after that, she did get some things done that she had been putting off!!

Anyway, we hugged it out....cried some more....apologized and all that and said yet another tearful goodbye as I was leaving the following morning.  A short time later I get the call from my sister that Nikki was admitted to the hospital and her time was short.  Ow!  Shot to the heart!  I mean, I wasn't surprised.....but I was.  Yanno?

I prepared for my trip, which I knew would be extended, and headed, once again, back to Fredericton.  I still felt terrible about the yelling session Nikki and I had last time I was there and I was convinced she hated me or at the very least was extremely pissed at me!  I was scared she wouldn't want to see me.  

The day I flew out was the day that the doctor told her that there was nothing else that the could do.  When I turned my phone on after arriving in Fredericton, I had a message from Nikki.  It simply said...."I need you".  I cried.  Again.  I could not get to the hospital fast enough from the airport.

When I got to her room she cried.  We cried and we hugged and I said, "I promise I am not gonna yell at you!"  Then we laughed as we cried and hugged.  

That was the beginning of a wonderful 5 weeks.  Wonderful, you say?  Yes.  Wonderful.  More memories were made during that time that I think I could have ever asked for in my whole life.  But that's another blog post for another time.  ;)

I needed you, too, Nikki.  <3  I miss you!

The "C" Word...

So, I start this blog as a place to rant and rave about political stuff.  Yanno, the stuff that people don't want to see on Facebook.  Mainly because, well, if you don't share their opinion, then you're WRONG!!  *eyeroll*

Anyway, since starting this blog, (that I never really used as a place to vent  about politics...lol) we have had some serious happenings take place in our family.  My sister was diagnosed with cancer.  Yeah..that UGLY "C" word!  It invaded someone close to me and I hate it for that!!!  My baby sister has Endometrial (Uterine) cancer.  :(  She is 42.

In January of 2012, she was diagnosed following some tests.  A couple weeks later she was having surgery, a complete hysterectomy.  That took care of the tumors and nodules on her reproductive organs, but she still had many throughout her abdomen, and a couple on her bladder.  They couldn't get them all.  So, the next step was Chemo.   Her first round consisted of 6 treatments.  That shrunk them slightly and there didn't  seem to be any new ones.  A short time later she ended up in the emergency room for pain and stuff, and after a ct scan showed more cancer, she started a second round.  Another 6 treatments of the strongest chemo and what did it do???  Nothing.  She keeps getting worse and that damn cancer just keeps taking over her body!  Causing her pain and discomfort.  

I hate this!  I am a million miles away from her!  Well, ok...1000 but it might as well be a million because that's what it feels like!!  Not that I can do anything, but it's so difficult being so far away from someone you love when they are hurting.  Physically and emotionally.  

I hate that she is going through this.  She is in pain and it's hard to watch her struggle to walk....because the tumors have grown so large they are pressing on nerves!  It's hard to watch her eat like a bird most of the time.  Food either nauseates her or it goes right through her.  She has a strong support system in the family....but we can all only do so much.  We can't take her pain away.  Lord knows I would if I could.  She pops morphine like candy and yet STILL has pain.

If this is this difficult for me, I can only imagine how she feels.  Even then I don't think I could even fully understand.  I so want to take the pain away from her.  I so want to tell her that it's all going to be ok and that is is all a dream and she (we all!) are going to wake up and things will be all well and fine.  I so want to do anything I can to make her feel good.  I love my baby sister.  If I could snap my fingers and wish this all way, I would do it in a heartbeat!  But God has a plan.  I have learned not to question His plans, but I still can't help but wonder...why?  Yanno??  

Cancer sucks.  :(