Change Is Good...

I can't explain how I feel like I have changed over this past year or so, but I have.  Kind of a dumb way to start a post  eh?  Very random...lol  But this is something I have been thinking about a lot lately.  I'm not sure if I have written about this in other posts or not....I haven't gone back and re-read them...but I may have touched on it.  

I'm not even sure how to write about this subject.  I mean, I have changed.  I KNOW it.  I can FEEL it.  I'm not saying that I have become this completely different person or anything like that.  (Though, in a way I think I have.)  I guess what I mean is that my priorities have changed.   Things that used to be important to me before are somehow not, or not AS important.  The term "don't sweat the small stuff" has taken on a whole new meaning and significance to me.  I don't get upset (as much) by the little things that used to make me crazy!  It's just not worth it.  

The little quirks in people that used to really bother me, don't bother me as much.  If that person is important to me I accept the quirks as part of them and move on and somehow the quirks have become less noticeable   If they aren't important to me, I have realized I can remove people from my life and it's not the end of the world.  I don't NEED 10,000 people around me to feel important and loved. I need those people who genuinely love me and genuinely care for me and genuinely accept me and genuinely like ME for who I am!  I have discovered that many people just say or do what they think is "right".  Nah, that jut doesn't cut it for me.  Be real or be gone.  Sorry if that seems harsh, but that's reality for me.  

I have been through some pretty crappy stuff in my lifetime, but I think the whole process from my sister getting sick to, sadly, her death, has to be one of the worst things I have been through. BUT....I will say this...as horrible as it was, somehow I came out of it all a changed Michelle.  

Life is somehow different.

My baby sister changed me.  I don't think she knew that she did, I never told her, but then I guess I never really realized it until after she passed away.  I talk to her though, and I have told her that because of her, my perspective on life is different.  So, I know she knows.  I DID, however, tell her how proud of her I was and how strong I thought she was.  Of course, I made her (and myself) cry when I said those things, but at the same time, it lead to some awesome bonding moments that I will have in my heart for the rest of my life!

I am sure some of you reading this (this is assuming people actually read this blog!) are thinking I'm kinda nutso.  Well, all I will say to that is this.  You go through the process my family went through....from a diagnosis, to surgery, to hope of remission, to watching your loved one breathe her last breaths and you tell me that all of that hasn't changed you and made you look at pretty much everything in your life from a completely different perspective! 

No Offense...

When someone or something offends us, should we say something?  When someone or something hurts us, should we say something?

I have been asking myself those questions for some time now because, I don't know, maybe I am overly sensitive and I read into things that aren't there....or because I think...WOW! Did I really just see/read/hear that??  Quite often there is no intentional offense or hurt meant but it may just come across that way.  And even if it is NOT intentional, that does not mean that we can't be offended or hurt.  Right?  We all have different perceptions of what we see, hear and read.  

Anyway, my point being, if and when those circumstances arise, is it appropriate to say something and let the person know that you took offense, or that you were hurt?  Or is it better to just not say anything....let it go (ha!) and hold it in and risk letting it simmer and eat at you until it becomes resentment?  I prefer to say something, but that always seems to get me into trouble.  The times I don't, it eats at me and makes me bitter, I'm not gonna lie.  

I struggle with forgiveness.  I admit that.  I am working on it, but I find it extremely difficult to forgive.  I know, I know....I am supposed to forgive because God forgives me daily!  I know that!!  But I am human....and I will admit that forgiveness is just one of my many shortcomings.  Like I said...I am working on it!!  So, if I am offended by something and the person offending has no idea that I am offended or hurt.....do I forgive them?  Since they don't even know?  

Did any of that make any sense at all?  lol  I think I am confusing myself.  :)  (It's late and I have had kind of a rough evening.  :( )

I will say this.  If, in ANY way, shape or form I have EVER said, done or written ANYTHING that has offended or hurt ANYONE, I hope and want you to tell me!!  I can't fix what I don't know about.

 So maybe I just answered my own question about whether or not to say something?  Maybe.  But not everyone is open to that.   

Flowers...

One of the things that Nikki had to do once she was told that she only had 4-6 weeks left to live, was help plan her funeral.  Ok, well she didn't HAVE to I guess.  We could have just taken the bull by the horns and planned it all, and just did it the way we THOUGHT it should be...but that's not what we wanted to do.  Kelly had the sad job of sitting down with her and asking her what her wishes were.  I KNOW that was hard for her.  I'm sure it was hard for BOTH of them.  :(  But Kelly was the best person for that job.  Her and Nikki were always closest.  Sisters AND best friends.  

There were several things that she specifically wanted.  (But this post isn't about all of her funeral requests.  :)  Bear with me here.) One of the things that Nikki said she wanted at her funeral was LOTS and LOTS of pretty flowers!  She got her wish.  She had SO many beautiful flower arrangements surrounding her.  I think we all made similar comments when we walked into the funeral home.  "Oh, look at all the flowers!"  and "She would LOVE this!"  and "It's just what she wanted!" etc.  I think we all cried, too.  For a variety of reasons, but seeing all the flowers and knowing that that is what she wanted....well, it was very special.  :)

After the funeral, everyone was taking some of the smaller arrangements home with them.  And the remainder of them went to the nursing home up the road.  I was a little jealous.  I couldn't take any flowers home.  :(  Peter and I had to leave the next day to drive back to the States and you're not supposed to take flowers and stuff across the border. That, and there is no way a beautiful arrangement would still be beautiful by the time we got back home to Michigan...lol

So, I cut a 3 or 4 of my favorite flowers and took a ribbon that was wrapped around one of the vases.  My intention was to take them home and press them into a book or something.  By the time I got home, however, they were pretty wilted, so I just hung them upside down until they dried.  They hung upside down until today when I FINALLY did something with them.  

No, I didn't 

press them.  I made them into an ornament.  :) I bought a big plastic bulb, and put the dried flowers in it and tied the ribbon around the top.   It's not done yet, though.  I am going to print off a picture of Nikki and slip it into the bulb....and somehow write her name, date of birth and date of death on the bulb.  

I will be honored and proud to display this bulb on our Christmas tree this year.  :)

Gone But Not Forgotten...

Sometimes it doesn't feel like Nikki is gone.  

And by gone, I mean passed away.  Not gone to the store, or gone for a walk, etc.  She's REALLY gone.  I think because I have lived away from Fredericton, and my family, for so long, I got used to not being near them, not having them around, and for them not having me being really much of a part of their lives.  That is the reality.  So, even though I spent a lot of time with her during her illness, and was constantly with her for the last few weeks of her life, sometimes it still just doesn't seem real.

I mean...I KNOW she died (I still hate that word!!!) and I know that she's not coming back.  But like tonight, for instance, I am on Facebook playing Bingo and chatting to a friend and scrolling pages and I see the Nicole Lee Price - R.I.P page we made and I opened it up and looked at the photos of her on there and it hit me like a ton of bricks....and I said to myself (as a chill went through  my body) "she is gone, Michelle!!"

Is this normal after losing a loved one?  

  

All I know is that it sucks.  I mean, I am happy that she is pain free, not suffering, in Heaven...but I miss my baby sista.  :(

*tear*

Edit:  I posted this picture on Facebook back in '08 and this is the thread that followed.  Soooo Nikki....lol

• Nicole P lol we r so damn beautiful....lmao

  July 13, 2008 at 6:55pm · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga Damn straight!! hehe

  July 13, 2008 at 7:12pm · Like
• 

  Nicole P lol and my hair looked amazing

  July 13, 2008 at 7:29pm · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga Well, not as good as mine (lmao!) but yes it did!!! lol

  July 13, 2008 at 7:44pm · Like
• 

  Kelly Price-Doucet oh my good god

  July 13, 2008 at 9:28pm · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga I'm starting to think me and Nikki are alike in more ways than just our beautiful looks!! hehehe LOL

  July 13, 2008 at 10:09pm · Like
• 

  Kelly Price-Doucet you can say THAT again...sheesh...lol.

  July 14, 2008 at 6:34am · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga LMAO

  July 14, 2008 at 11:18am · Like
• 

  Nicole P lmaooooooooo got love it!!

  July 14, 2008 at 3:14pm · Like
• 

  Nicole P that is a hot pic of us...lol...

  January 19, 2009 at 7:26pm · Like

I'm a Believer...

During the duration of my sister's illness, from her diagnosis to her death, I asked for prayers for her.  I was asked a lot of questions about her illness, from "what type of cancer?", to "how long does she have?", etc, etc.   All reasonable questions.  But there was one question that I really didn't know how to answer (and kinda sorta had a bit of a problem with, to be perfectly honest)....and it was asked a lot..."Is she a believer?"  

How does one answer that question anyway?  I never felt like there was a clear cut answer.  If I said no, I felt like I was saying that she didn't believe in God and had no religious beliefs at all.  Which was not the case.  If I said yes, I was inferring that she had given her life over to Christ and accepted Him as her savior, and I wasn't sure at that point if she had.  So, I never knew how to answer.  "Just please pray", was what I was thinking.

So....if someone is a believer, they are deserving of prayers but if they're not, they we shouldn't pray for them?   I know the answer to that is that we should pray for everyone....no matter who they are, but then, WHY is that question asked?.  "Is she a believer?"   You want to know what I REALLY wanted to say?  "Who cares?!  Does it matter??  If I say she's not a believer you won't pray for her?"  I felt kind of offended by that question even though I know that no harm (or offense) was meant by it.  Maybe I was just being sensitive....which I guess I had (have) reason to be!

Don't get me wrong, my family and I SO appreciate ALL of the prayers, thoughts, concerns, everything!  And FYI, Nikki did become a "believer" before she passed away.   :)  But, I like to think that the prayers were being said for her even though no one really knew whether she was or not.  Shouldn't we pray even more, or harder, for those who do not know God?  

I miss my sister.  I miss her SO much.  :(  I know I will see her again one day.  But for now, I miss her here on earth with us.  

Just some thoughts swirling around in this head of mine.  Keep in mind, even though I share these posts, they are NOT directed towards anyone.  They are MY thoughts and vents and, as I have said before, it feels good to write them.....and to share them.

Talk the Talk...

"Sometimes family members don't talk about their grief to each other because the relationships are so close, and there is so much raw pain.  Sometimes siblings don't talk about their deceased brother or sister because they are afraid of causing pain and upset to each other or to their parents."

I read that while surfing around blogs about cancer and losing siblings and family members to cancer.  I thought it was interesting because that's one thing we do, we ALL talk about Nikki. :) 

I was in Fredericton for a little over a week and there were many conversations about Nikki.  We had some serious ones but mostly we just talked about her to remember her because it feels good! Sure, we are sad that she isn't here with us anymore.  But she is with us.....yanno?  She will forever be with each one of us...in our heart.  

I hope that we will always talk about her, remember her, laugh about some silly things she said or did, and even cry for her.  Nikki, whether she knew it or not, brought us all closer.  Would I prefer it it she were here with us, enjoying all this bonding??  Absolutely!!!  But, sadly, that's not possible.  So, I will take comfort in knowing that she is in a good place, watching over us and smiling.  

AND.....we all know.....she is probably snapping her fingers with her diva attitude saying something like, "Oh yeah, I'm good! Uh huh!!"   :)

Size Matters? Evidently, to some...

I saw something today and it has been on my mind and bothering me all day.  I'm not exactly sure if it was the picture/post that I saw or just all the feelings and stuff that I associate with it.

It was a picture of a very large woman sitting in a seat at a sporting event.  The comment....and subsequent comments...were making fun of her.  

Wow.

Here's the thing.  No one is perfect.  Right?  I don't ever expect perfection from anyone.  Ever.  What I DO expect, though, is for people to at least have a shred of sensitivity in them and to think about, if only for a fraction of a second, how that woman feels.  And maybe think about how much courage it may have taken that woman to even GO to that game, let alone the embarrassment she could be in for because she knew the seat would be too small and uncomfortable!  Think that maybe that there may be a medical reason for her size.  Think that, really, that making fun of someone because of their size makes you the tool.....not her!  

I am so bothered by this.  Why?  Well, for one....I can relate to that woman in some ways.  And it sucks.  Also, it bothers me because I don't judge people on how they look.  Whether it be their size, their color, how they dress....whatever.  It's wrong!  Period.  

Wanna know the main reason why this particular post pissed me off so badly??  Because the person who posted it, I thought, looked up to me.  And now I just feel that this person (and probably others) was probably laughing at me behind my back.  

And we wonder why some people just feel like they want to step away from anyone and everyone except the ones they hold nearest and dearest to them.  Well, I'll tell you why......it's because of crap like this.

I know, I know....some people are probably thinking that it's not that big of a deal and I should just let it go.  Well it is a HUGE deal. I can't let it go that easily.  It hurts.  

PS:  I am NOT fishing for compliments here.  

A Yell of a Time...

I remember the last visit I made to Fredericton, the one just before Nikki went into the hospital for the last few weeks of her life.  More specifically, I remember the day before I left to go back to Michigan.  Why?  Because I yelled at her.  Well, we kind of yelled at each other.  But I started it.  

It was stupid and insignificant now that I look back on it.  I remember why I yelled.  It was to kick her butt!  My sick sister, having gone through all she had, having radiation treatments at that time....and I found it necessary to give her shit.  What was I thinking?  Pfft.  

So, we yelled.  And then we cried.  And we cried some more.  I will never forget it for many reasons.  One reason being that it took place in our sister Kelly's house, which is always jumping and hopping with some kind of noise, but you could have heard a pin drop (aside from me and Nikki yelling at each other!  lol)  I will never forget it because I made my sister cry.  :(  I don't regret it, though.  Yes, I look back now and I feel horrible because she's not here anymore.  But it was all in love if that makes sense.  It gave her a little kick in the pants that she needed at that time and, after that, she did get some things done that she had been putting off!!

Anyway, we hugged it out....cried some more....apologized and all that and said yet another tearful goodbye as I was leaving the following morning.  A short time later I get the call from my sister that Nikki was admitted to the hospital and her time was short.  Ow!  Shot to the heart!  I mean, I wasn't surprised.....but I was.  Yanno?

I prepared for my trip, which I knew would be extended, and headed, once again, back to Fredericton.  I still felt terrible about the yelling session Nikki and I had last time I was there and I was convinced she hated me or at the very least was extremely pissed at me!  I was scared she wouldn't want to see me.  

The day I flew out was the day that the doctor told her that there was nothing else that the could do.  When I turned my phone on after arriving in Fredericton, I had a message from Nikki.  It simply said...."I need you".  I cried.  Again.  I could not get to the hospital fast enough from the airport.

When I got to her room she cried.  We cried and we hugged and I said, "I promise I am not gonna yell at you!"  Then we laughed as we cried and hugged.  

That was the beginning of a wonderful 5 weeks.  Wonderful, you say?  Yes.  Wonderful.  More memories were made during that time that I think I could have ever asked for in my whole life.  But that's another blog post for another time.  ;)

I needed you, too, Nikki.  <3  I miss you!

The "C" Word...

So, I start this blog as a place to rant and rave about political stuff.  Yanno, the stuff that people don't want to see on Facebook.  Mainly because, well, if you don't share their opinion, then you're WRONG!!  *eyeroll*

Anyway, since starting this blog, (that I never really used as a place to vent  about politics...lol) we have had some serious happenings take place in our family.  My sister was diagnosed with cancer.  Yeah..that UGLY "C" word!  It invaded someone close to me and I hate it for that!!!  My baby sister has Endometrial (Uterine) cancer.  :(  She is 42.

In January of 2012, she was diagnosed following some tests.  A couple weeks later she was having surgery, a complete hysterectomy.  That took care of the tumors and nodules on her reproductive organs, but she still had many throughout her abdomen, and a couple on her bladder.  They couldn't get them all.  So, the next step was Chemo.   Her first round consisted of 6 treatments.  That shrunk them slightly and there didn't  seem to be any new ones.  A short time later she ended up in the emergency room for pain and stuff, and after a ct scan showed more cancer, she started a second round.  Another 6 treatments of the strongest chemo and what did it do???  Nothing.  She keeps getting worse and that damn cancer just keeps taking over her body!  Causing her pain and discomfort.  

I hate this!  I am a million miles away from her!  Well, ok...1000 but it might as well be a million because that's what it feels like!!  Not that I can do anything, but it's so difficult being so far away from someone you love when they are hurting.  Physically and emotionally.  

I hate that she is going through this.  She is in pain and it's hard to watch her struggle to walk....because the tumors have grown so large they are pressing on nerves!  It's hard to watch her eat like a bird most of the time.  Food either nauseates her or it goes right through her.  She has a strong support system in the family....but we can all only do so much.  We can't take her pain away.  Lord knows I would if I could.  She pops morphine like candy and yet STILL has pain.

If this is this difficult for me, I can only imagine how she feels.  Even then I don't think I could even fully understand.  I so want to take the pain away from her.  I so want to tell her that it's all going to be ok and that is is all a dream and she (we all!) are going to wake up and things will be all well and fine.  I so want to do anything I can to make her feel good.  I love my baby sister.  If I could snap my fingers and wish this all way, I would do it in a heartbeat!  But God has a plan.  I have learned not to question His plans, but I still can't help but wonder...why?  Yanno??  

Cancer sucks.  :(