A Picture Paints a Thousand Words....

I take a lot of pictures.  I'm not sure if it's a good thing that I have an iPhone or not because it seems I am forever taking pictures of someone or something.  Nah, it's a good thing.  I like taking photos.  I like the memories they hold. :)

When I was out east for those 5 1/2 weeks in May/June, I took a lot of pictures with my phone.  Sometimes the people I was taking pictures of didn't realize I was even taking a picture!  lol   Those ended up being some of my favorite photos....and memories.  :)  I have a lot of pictures of Nikki on my phone....(which I probably should save somehow in case my phone ever crashes and I lose them all!  That would totally suck!)  and many of them I had posted onto Facebook or Instagram.

There is one picture that I took and never posted, though.  I'm not sure why, I almost think it seemed a little "wrong".  But, today, after reading on Facebook how much Kelly is hurting and how much she misses Nikki, somehow it feels "right".  Kelly and Nikki were not just sisters of 42 years....they were best friends!  Kelly lost a MAJOR part of her world...a major part of her life...when Nikki passed away.  

This picture was taken June 13th, just a few hours before Nikki passed away (which is why it felt wrong to post it) and it pretty much sums up the feelings between these two.  I can see so much love there.  <3  

It's ok to miss her, Kelly....and it's ok to grieve.  I know she is looking out for you.  I know she is still touching your life and I know she ALWAYS will be.  

Change...?

I have changed.

I know that sounds like a vague yet very broad statement.  But it's true. I have changed.  Ok, well not every little single thing about me has changed.  But, in general, yanno?

So, what changed me?  I don't think I can pinpoint any one thing specifically, but I am pretty sure that it has to do with the events of the past year and a half or so.  In other words, the process that led to my sister dying.

I dunno....I can't even put into words, really, of what I mean by "I have changed".  When I received that call from my mother that my baby sister had cancer....I didn't know what to think.  Or say. Or feel.  I kinda went numb.  Really?  Nikki has cancer??  How? Where?  WHY???  It was advanced....blah. blah. blah.  Something right then.....in that moment, started a change in me.  My family....outside of my husband and my kids...became a priority.  Now, I don't mean to say that they never were before.  But, truth be told....we weren't always a mushy, gushy, lovey, dovey kind of family.  Yes, we loved each other, and yes, our relationships were developing and strengthening but ....what!!??  My sister has cancer???!!  Well, this threw us all for a loop and, I feel, was the like a big strong magnet that was bringing us all close together!  Does that make any sense at all??  

I started making trips to Fredericton.  To be there when Nikki had surgery.  To be there for a chemo appointment so I could be with her and see what she was going through.  To be there when she went to the oncologist to get results after her first round of chemo.  To be there for my Mom!  To be there for Kelly! To just....be there!!  In the process of all of these visits and appointments and conversations, we all became....closer.  I developed a relationship with my two younger sisters that, honestly, I never thought I would have.  I strengthened my relationship with my Mom.  And I got to "know" my nieces and nephews on deeper level.  

There were phone calls and text messages and lots of Facebook! And of course, many trips to Freddie.   I lost count how many times I flew out there.  Every time I went, though, it was harder and harder to leave.  Especially when we were told that she was dying.  That's the sucky part of living 1000 miles from family!  Ya always have to leave.  :(

So, what's the change in me?  All that didn't really explain it, did it? I'm not sure I know myself exactly .  I do know that I have become more patient.  I have become more empathetic....and sympathetic.  I have become more accepting of the little quirks in people that would normally drive me up a tree!  I have decided that I do not need negativity in my life and I take steps to eliminate what I can.  I think more before I act (or speak) because, well, everyone has a story.  

I've had a lot of hurt this past year and a half.  Losing my sister was the worst of it.  Everything else seems minor in comparison   But, regardless, hurt is hurt.  And it changes people.

Watching my sister die was one of THE hardest things I have ever done in my life.  But it strengthened me!  It strengthened my relationship with my family.  It changed me.

I have changed.  :)

Begin Rant...

I don't know if I am just overly sensitive and emotional these days or what the deal is.  But it seems that after my sister passed away, many of my priorities in life have changed somewhat.

I am NOT perfect.  I never ever claimed that I was nor will I ever be!  God knows this about me and loves me in spite of it!  

I don't agree with everyone on everything and for the most part I think I have a different opinion on lot of things than many/most of my friends do.  Does that make me wrong?  No.  Does it make me ignorant?  No.  Does it make me any less of a Christian?  Well, first of all....who determines that anyway?  But I say no, it doesn't!!  

My thoughts and opinions are just as valid and important as anyone else's and I am SICK and tired of having to explain myself or hide how I feel about something because it's different than a lot of people I know!!  I tend to go a little toward the liberal side. What???  O M G! I said it....I must be a horrible person!!!!  Gasp!!! *insert eyeroll here*  But that doesn't mean you know what is going on inside my head or my heart!!!  

I'm sick of it.  Sick of feeling like I am being judged because I think different or have a different view.  It happens.  It's happened.

We are NOT all the same.  If we were how boring would that be???  
Nikki dying has opened up my eyes to what I feel is important. My faith is important.  My family is important.  All the petty political BS that people want to slant one way or the other....not important.  Being right and accusing someone else of being wrong...not important. Loving myself??  Important.  Worrying whether others like me or not?  Nope....I'm done with that.  Either like me or ya don't.  I'm a GOOD person.  If you don't like me because I don't share your view on something....your loss.  

End rant.  :) 

East Coast Girl...

I am in Fredericton!  Yay!!  

The other day, I was feeling sad and really missing my family out east.  I miss them every day, but it's been more so since my sister passed away.  I guess after spending almost 6 weeks together, and then , BAM, leaving the day after the funeral, it was like a piece of me was missing.  Not JUST Nikki.....that goes without saying...but everyone else, too.  I really feel like there was a closeness that developed between us during that time.  I guess you could say that any emotional situation like a sickness and an impending death will do that, but I just feel that it was finally our "time".    If that makes sense.  There were a lot of years that we didn't have that kind of relationship.  

I don't know if I have said it in a previous blog post, or on Facebook somewhere....or maybe just thought it...lol...BUT I believe that good things have come out of this whole horrible situation.  This closer relationship with my family is one of those things.  Mind you, as happy as I am that we have this closeness now, if we could have Nikki back to be a part of it, too, that would be just perfect.  :)

So, here I am now... back in Fredericton...having a wonderful time!! I think it was just what I needed.  There is a sense of calm about me since arriving here.  I can't explain that because I am not quite sure what it means myself.  We have shared thoughts stories and memories of Nikki with each other and that has been good!  For all of us, I think.  :)  I know she is with us when we are all together. Even if we can't see her. Even if she is not physically there in the flesh sitting beside us, she will forever be with each and every one of us...in our hearts.  :)

I gotta say, though....it has been a little weird being here and not seeing her.  :(  Miss you, Bickett.  <3

Pad Thai ...

So, I went out to a Thai food restaurant this evening for dinner with Peter and our boys.  I ordered Pad Thai Shrimp....and, I have to say, it was delicious!!   

I couldn't help but think about Nikki a little bit.  Ok, WHY did that remind me of my sister?  lol  I'm weird, I know!!  :)  Well, there was this little Pad Thai place in the Northside Market in Fredericton that her and Kelly used to go to on Saturdays.  And even though I had never gone there with them, I heard about this amazing Pad Thai every time they had it.  :)  In fact, the little Thai lady that worked there knew them and even sent a card to Nikki when she was in the hospital, signed, "The Pad Thai Lady".  

There was also the time that Nikki and I were driving around

Fredericton looking sushi and we ended up at, what we thought was, a sushi restaurant.  We go in and look at the menu.  Not seeing what we were looking for, we asked if they had any sushi or sushi rolls or anything.  We got a weird look and the waiter said, "this is a Thai place....not Japanese!!"  Oops.....awkward!! After a good laugh and a moment of embarrassment, we ordered some Pad Thai Shrimp! Apparently, though, it wasn't as good as the Pad Thai from the Northside Market!  lol

It's funny what things trigger memories.  <3

The 4 Sistas...

I love this picture!  <3

It's kind of a dorky, "selfie" kinda picture, taken with my phone....but I love it.  Why?  Well, there is NOT a lot of pictures floating around of all four of us sistas.  :)  And, if I am not mistaken, this might be the last one taken of all of us.  

We were taking Nikki back to the hospital after one of her day passes.  I got a little goofy with my iPhone and voila....this is what resulted.

It's not professional.  We were not all primped and made up.  The lighting kinda sucked.  But we were all together and, in my book, that's all that matters.  :)

I love this picture!  <3

Did I Ever Tell You You're My Hero...?

So, today I had a doctor's appointment.  Nothing serious....just a med review and a check on my lungs (which have not been the same since I had pneumonia).  All was well.  Meds are all where they are supposed to be.  Other than the aches and pains of being out of shape and approaching 50, I'm relatively healthy.  

Then the doctor said she wanted to draw some blood.  Yuck.  Not my favorite thing to do.  I don't pass out or anything when they take my blood....but I can't watch them poke me.  

The nurse came in ready to siphon me dry (not really....only a couple of viles, but hey...I'm being dramatic!  heh) and I got a knot in my stomach.  Blah.  She couldn't find a good vein in either arm.  What?  I know I HAVE veins....lol  Anyway, she picked one that "would do" but she had to use a smaller needle.  

I sat there and started whining.  Seriously.  I've never done that before.  Or maybe I had but never really realized that I was whining.  

At that moment....as I WATCHED her stick my little vein with the little needle, I thought of Nikki.  I thought of ALL the needles, pokes, cuts, prods and crap that she went through for a year and a half.  This little tiny needle to draw a couple of viles of blood from me was NOTHING in comparison to what she went through, but here I was whining.  

I didn't for long.  I actually stopped....looked at the nurse and said, "considering what my sister has gone through, this is cake!  I am NOT going to complain!"  And that was that.  My blood was drawn, I got my bandage and I left.

When Nikki was diagnosed with cancer in January of 2012, I honestly thought she would roll over and let it take her.  I couldn't have been more wrong!  That girl fought every single day!!!  She went through more tests and pokes and what not in the last year and a half of her life than I will probably ever go through!  If she can do all of that and STILL have a smile on her face.....then who am I to complain about the little things in life.  (I also believe she was in the doctor's office with me today ready to smack me upside the head for being a big ole belly acher!  lol)


I have said from day one that she is my hero.  :)