Forgotten Photos...

I was going through the tons and tons of pictures I had taken with my phone because I wanted to delete some and clear out some space!  I have had it almost a year already and I haven't deleted any yet!  Ack!  Needless to say, I have a LOT of pictures.  

So, I am going through all of these pictures and one by one deleting some as I go. 

Then I come across this one.

And then this one:

Now, they aren't the best or most flattering photos in the world.....but they are special photos!  I look HORRIBLE, and well, like I have 6 chins....and normally I would never post that picture , but ya know what?  I don't care!  I love the picture....because my baby sister is in it with me.  

Look at the picture of Nikki and Kaden (our great nephew).  Look at the love in her eyes as she is looking at him.  She sure did love her little "Tater Tot"....and he loved "Nik Nik" right back.  :) 

No Offense...

When someone or something offends us, should we say something?  When someone or something hurts us, should we say something?

I have been asking myself those questions for some time now because, I don't know, maybe I am overly sensitive and I read into things that aren't there....or because I think...WOW! Did I really just see/read/hear that??  Quite often there is no intentional offense or hurt meant but it may just come across that way.  And even if it is NOT intentional, that does not mean that we can't be offended or hurt.  Right?  We all have different perceptions of what we see, hear and read.  

Anyway, my point being, if and when those circumstances arise, is it appropriate to say something and let the person know that you took offense, or that you were hurt?  Or is it better to just not say anything....let it go (ha!) and hold it in and risk letting it simmer and eat at you until it becomes resentment?  I prefer to say something, but that always seems to get me into trouble.  The times I don't, it eats at me and makes me bitter, I'm not gonna lie.  

I struggle with forgiveness.  I admit that.  I am working on it, but I find it extremely difficult to forgive.  I know, I know....I am supposed to forgive because God forgives me daily!  I know that!!  But I am human....and I will admit that forgiveness is just one of my many shortcomings.  Like I said...I am working on it!!  So, if I am offended by something and the person offending has no idea that I am offended or hurt.....do I forgive them?  Since they don't even know?  

Did any of that make any sense at all?  lol  I think I am confusing myself.  :)  (It's late and I have had kind of a rough evening.  :( )

I will say this.  If, in ANY way, shape or form I have EVER said, done or written ANYTHING that has offended or hurt ANYONE, I hope and want you to tell me!!  I can't fix what I don't know about.

 So maybe I just answered my own question about whether or not to say something?  Maybe.  But not everyone is open to that.   

BNL...

So, I just got a Facebook message from Randy.  He has been sending me random texts and Facebook messages almost daily since he has been in Kalamazoo and I have to say, they never fail to make me smile.  Today, however, this Facebook message made me smile AND cry.

I am pasting his message.  Click the link and it will take you to Reddit.  The message is Randy's.  I love that boy.   <3

This was the message:

• 

  5:25pm
  

  Randy Huizinga

  http://www.reddit.com/r/Music/comments/1oqc30/we_are_barenaked_ladies_and_odds_are_you_will_ask/ccujypt

  

  so that just happened

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  (In case you missed it....Ed from the Bare Naked Ladies replied to Randy's post. I thought that was awesome! :))

  There they are....the last time he was with Nikki. Saying good-bye.

  
  

  

  
  

  
  

Relationships...

Most of the posts I have written in this ole blog of mine are about my sister in some way, shape or form.  I didn't intend for this blog to become that but it has.  And that's ok!  It's been a place for me to write about my feelings and emotions regarding Nikki's illness and death.  I've also written about my relationship with family members, etc.  ALL of that has been good for me.  I have said many times that writing in here, and even sharing it for others to read, has been therapeutic for me.  

But for some reason lately, I have been thinking about the relationships I have here....in Michigan.  Or, perhaps, lack of them is a better term.  (Let me first state that I do not mean my relationship with my husband or my kids!!  They are great!!)

There was a time not so long ago that I felt like I was in a wonderful place in my life.  That's not to say that I am not happy with my life, I AM.....but well, I don't know how to say this without coming across as mean, or condescending or whatever, and that's not what I want to convey.  But it seems that a lot of people have either backed out of my life....or dropped out almost completely.  Maybe that was my own doing?  Maybe I pushed them away?  However it happened, it hurts.  Some friends I expected/hoped would be there for me.....weren't.  (But, that's what I get for having expectations!) I had a couple of friends that I felt would be too busy for me who completely surprised me.  And I have the friends who just hugged me and loved me.  :)  Yanno what?  Other than my husband and kids, I don't have family here.  I consider my friends my family.  And sometimes it gets pretty darn lonely.

I'm not a perfect friend by any stretch of the imagination.  I have my faults.  I have made my share of mistakes.  And I will make many more in my lifetime!  I say what's on my mind (most of the time).  I trust too much....or maybe I don't trust enough.  But sometimes I just don't feel like I stack up.  Like I am not good enough.  Not skinny enough.  Not smart enough.  Not Republican enough.  Not Christian enough.  (Don't laugh....don't pffffft.....don't say "oh, Michelle")  But I can say one thing I am and that is me.  I LIKE me.  And I love my family and friends whole heartedly.

I know that God places people in our life for a reason.  We never know what that reason is.  But I truly believe that every single person that I have come across in my lifetime has taught me something.  Although, sometimes the lessons are learned the hard way.  

This blog might be trivial to some.  It might be a waste of time for some.  It might seem downright stupid to some.  The "some" I am referring to are my friends.  It's NOT stupid to me, nor is it trivial or a waste of my time.   It's ME...speaking from my heart.  Healing a broken heart from a loss of a loved one.  Anyone who has lost someone they love should know what that feels like!!!  We all handle grief in different ways.  I choose to write about it.  I choose to share those writings....my feelings....with you....my friends and family!!  In other words, it's kind of a big deal to me that you give a darn.  

I mean no ill feelings toward anyone and this post was not directed at any one specific.  Take what you want from this.  I will end with this......tell the people in your life how you feel about them.  Hug them.  Let them know you are thinking about them (even if it's in a silly way like "liking" a Facebook status).  Take time for them....MAKE time for them.  Let them know you care.  Love them.

4 Months...

Today marks 4 months since Nikki passed away.  :(  

I'm not sure whether 4 months seems like an eternity or if it doesn't seem like it's been that long!  All I know is that it still sucks and that she is missed so much!

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada.  So, today my family out east isn't feeling very thankful.  Yes, I know there is a lot to be thankful for and I know that they are.  I guess because it's 4 months....Thanksgiving....and all that jazz, well, you get the picture. I would probably feel more like that myself if I were still in Canada. I'm just kind of removed from the Thanksgiving thing.

I cry about Nikki a lot these days.  I'm not sure why.  I think there is a realization that has FINALLY hit me.  

She's not coming back.

Maybe I need to make some sort of peace with it, or something.  

I miss you, Nikki,  <3

I Miss You...

I miss Nikki.  :(  

I have been thinking about her a LOT the past few days...and she has been in my dreams every night for the past few nights.  Maybe she knows I have been thinking about her.  I don't know.  But I miss her.

Don't get me wrong, I miss all the rest of my family, too.  Very much!  But, thankfully, I can call them...or text...or Facebook ...or GO there and see them!!  I can't do that with Nikki.  :(   So, I miss her.

I do talk to her, though.  And I am sure she is looking down at me, shaking her head saying something smart assed and/or sarcastic to me.  ('Cause that's how she rolled!)  :)  But I do talk to her.  Like it or not baby sista, that's what I am gonna do!  (And, I promise I am not giving you shit!  lol)  :)

I miss you, Bickett!  <3

Family....

Several years ago I used to have another blog.  It was kind of my saving grace for a period in my life.  It's where I wrote down many, many things that I couldn't or didn't tell anyone.  It helped me maintain my sanity and, oddly enough, it helped me get through a state of depression.  I don't expect anyone to understand how that could help.  I am not asking anyone to understand it!  It helped ME.  I didn't always write about negative things, I used it to write about anything and everything.  That blog is long gone, but I had saved some posts.  I came across this one today and I felt like I had to share it.  I wrote it in December 2008?  (If my math is right...lol)  

This past weekend I went to New Brunswick to spend time with my family.  It was my sister's 40th birthday, so that was my main reason for going.  I really looked forward to the trip since lately I have been missing family a lot.  Not sure why. It's been over 20 years that I have lived away, but nonetheless, I miss them.  I went with no expectations.  I went to get together with them and have fun, and that is what I did.  Of course I saw my Mom...and 2 of my sisters, but I also got to spend time with some cousins and my nieces and nephew.  I really hope (or wish) that they all know how much they mean to me....how important family is to me....how important family IS...period.  It seems for years I distanced myself from everyone.  Not intentionally...it just happens like that sometimes. Life got busy for everyone and I stopped making the trips out east to visit.  I was content, and I figured they were as well.  This past year or so something snapped in me. I dunno what it was exactly but I suddenly felt the need to go "home". I think because I felt like my life was coming apart here, I thought maybe my family (mother, sisters, etc) was a security to me. (?) I mean, they are family, right? So, this summer, we decided to  make a trip out there for vacation. Of course as soon as we made arrangements to go, I was ready to cancel everything and stay home.  I had expectations and I was afraid that those expectations would get shattered and I would hurt......more.  BUT....in the end, I dropped the expectations and we went, and by the time we were in the car, I was excited!!  We had a GREAT visit!  It was nice to see everyone.  I got along with my sisters better than I think I ever have.  I have always been close with my older sister but I have never really been close with my 2 younger sisters.  That seemed to change when we got together this summer.  It was like we had all suddenly grown up and were able to accept each other for who we are and, a big thing......I think we let go of some past crap. It's been nice keeping in contact with them and enjoying their company.  Life is just too damn short to hold on to "shit", yanno?

I wrote this 5 years ago.  Five years ago Nikki wasn't sick.  Five years ago we all began a new relationship with each other.  We had no idea what the following 5 years would have in store.  Everything happens for a reason.  I love my family.  <3

Flowers...

One of the things that Nikki had to do once she was told that she only had 4-6 weeks left to live, was help plan her funeral.  Ok, well she didn't HAVE to I guess.  We could have just taken the bull by the horns and planned it all, and just did it the way we THOUGHT it should be...but that's not what we wanted to do.  Kelly had the sad job of sitting down with her and asking her what her wishes were.  I KNOW that was hard for her.  I'm sure it was hard for BOTH of them.  :(  But Kelly was the best person for that job.  Her and Nikki were always closest.  Sisters AND best friends.  

There were several things that she specifically wanted.  (But this post isn't about all of her funeral requests.  :)  Bear with me here.) One of the things that Nikki said she wanted at her funeral was LOTS and LOTS of pretty flowers!  She got her wish.  She had SO many beautiful flower arrangements surrounding her.  I think we all made similar comments when we walked into the funeral home.  "Oh, look at all the flowers!"  and "She would LOVE this!"  and "It's just what she wanted!" etc.  I think we all cried, too.  For a variety of reasons, but seeing all the flowers and knowing that that is what she wanted....well, it was very special.  :)

After the funeral, everyone was taking some of the smaller arrangements home with them.  And the remainder of them went to the nursing home up the road.  I was a little jealous.  I couldn't take any flowers home.  :(  Peter and I had to leave the next day to drive back to the States and you're not supposed to take flowers and stuff across the border. That, and there is no way a beautiful arrangement would still be beautiful by the time we got back home to Michigan...lol

So, I cut a 3 or 4 of my favorite flowers and took a ribbon that was wrapped around one of the vases.  My intention was to take them home and press them into a book or something.  By the time I got home, however, they were pretty wilted, so I just hung them upside down until they dried.  They hung upside down until today when I FINALLY did something with them.  

No, I didn't 

press them.  I made them into an ornament.  :) I bought a big plastic bulb, and put the dried flowers in it and tied the ribbon around the top.   It's not done yet, though.  I am going to print off a picture of Nikki and slip it into the bulb....and somehow write her name, date of birth and date of death on the bulb.  

I will be honored and proud to display this bulb on our Christmas tree this year.  :)