Oh, Baby...

I have been having a lot of dreams lately about Nikki.  I'm not sure why, I guess she has been on my mind a lot.

I'm not one to analyze dreams or try to figure out if they mean something.  I'm not really into all that but sometimes I have to sit back and think.....WHY on earth would I have THAT dream!?

The last dream I had about Nikki was kinda way out there.  Nikki was never able to conceive a child.  Then when she was diagnosed with uterine cancer and had a hysterectomy, her chances of ever getting pregnant were completely over.  Of course, things took a turn for the worse anyway, sooo.  :(  We never got to have a little baby NikNik.

Anyway, so what does that have to do with my dream?  Well, the other night, I dreamed that Nikki was pregnant.  She was in all her glory, very pregnant and ready to pop.  She was sitting in a wheelchair being wheeled in to somewhere and I bent down to hug her and told her that I am so proud of her and excited for her and that I wasn't going anywhere.  Then we both started crying.  Then I woke up.

I woke up crying.  And that's about all I remember of that dream.  I know there was more, I remember there being more, it felt like I was dreaming for hours.....but I can't remember any more details.

So, this one time I asked...WHY??  What did that dream mean? Nothing?  Something?  I don't know.  It was just.....weird.  Yanno?  Sometimes I think my head just swirls with a million different thoughts and the result is a whacked out dream.  :)

Change Is Good...

I can't explain how I feel like I have changed over this past year or so, but I have.  Kind of a dumb way to start a post  eh?  Very random...lol  But this is something I have been thinking about a lot lately.  I'm not sure if I have written about this in other posts or not....I haven't gone back and re-read them...but I may have touched on it.  

I'm not even sure how to write about this subject.  I mean, I have changed.  I KNOW it.  I can FEEL it.  I'm not saying that I have become this completely different person or anything like that.  (Though, in a way I think I have.)  I guess what I mean is that my priorities have changed.   Things that used to be important to me before are somehow not, or not AS important.  The term "don't sweat the small stuff" has taken on a whole new meaning and significance to me.  I don't get upset (as much) by the little things that used to make me crazy!  It's just not worth it.  

The little quirks in people that used to really bother me, don't bother me as much.  If that person is important to me I accept the quirks as part of them and move on and somehow the quirks have become less noticeable   If they aren't important to me, I have realized I can remove people from my life and it's not the end of the world.  I don't NEED 10,000 people around me to feel important and loved. I need those people who genuinely love me and genuinely care for me and genuinely accept me and genuinely like ME for who I am!  I have discovered that many people just say or do what they think is "right".  Nah, that jut doesn't cut it for me.  Be real or be gone.  Sorry if that seems harsh, but that's reality for me.  

I have been through some pretty crappy stuff in my lifetime, but I think the whole process from my sister getting sick to, sadly, her death, has to be one of the worst things I have been through. BUT....I will say this...as horrible as it was, somehow I came out of it all a changed Michelle.  

Life is somehow different.

My baby sister changed me.  I don't think she knew that she did, I never told her, but then I guess I never really realized it until after she passed away.  I talk to her though, and I have told her that because of her, my perspective on life is different.  So, I know she knows.  I DID, however, tell her how proud of her I was and how strong I thought she was.  Of course, I made her (and myself) cry when I said those things, but at the same time, it lead to some awesome bonding moments that I will have in my heart for the rest of my life!

I am sure some of you reading this (this is assuming people actually read this blog!) are thinking I'm kinda nutso.  Well, all I will say to that is this.  You go through the process my family went through....from a diagnosis, to surgery, to hope of remission, to watching your loved one breathe her last breaths and you tell me that all of that hasn't changed you and made you look at pretty much everything in your life from a completely different perspective! 

Forgotten Photos...

I was going through the tons and tons of pictures I had taken with my phone because I wanted to delete some and clear out some space!  I have had it almost a year already and I haven't deleted any yet!  Ack!  Needless to say, I have a LOT of pictures.  

So, I am going through all of these pictures and one by one deleting some as I go. 

Then I come across this one.

And then this one:

Now, they aren't the best or most flattering photos in the world.....but they are special photos!  I look HORRIBLE, and well, like I have 6 chins....and normally I would never post that picture , but ya know what?  I don't care!  I love the picture....because my baby sister is in it with me.  

Look at the picture of Nikki and Kaden (our great nephew).  Look at the love in her eyes as she is looking at him.  She sure did love her little "Tater Tot"....and he loved "Nik Nik" right back.  :) 

No Offense...

When someone or something offends us, should we say something?  When someone or something hurts us, should we say something?

I have been asking myself those questions for some time now because, I don't know, maybe I am overly sensitive and I read into things that aren't there....or because I think...WOW! Did I really just see/read/hear that??  Quite often there is no intentional offense or hurt meant but it may just come across that way.  And even if it is NOT intentional, that does not mean that we can't be offended or hurt.  Right?  We all have different perceptions of what we see, hear and read.  

Anyway, my point being, if and when those circumstances arise, is it appropriate to say something and let the person know that you took offense, or that you were hurt?  Or is it better to just not say anything....let it go (ha!) and hold it in and risk letting it simmer and eat at you until it becomes resentment?  I prefer to say something, but that always seems to get me into trouble.  The times I don't, it eats at me and makes me bitter, I'm not gonna lie.  

I struggle with forgiveness.  I admit that.  I am working on it, but I find it extremely difficult to forgive.  I know, I know....I am supposed to forgive because God forgives me daily!  I know that!!  But I am human....and I will admit that forgiveness is just one of my many shortcomings.  Like I said...I am working on it!!  So, if I am offended by something and the person offending has no idea that I am offended or hurt.....do I forgive them?  Since they don't even know?  

Did any of that make any sense at all?  lol  I think I am confusing myself.  :)  (It's late and I have had kind of a rough evening.  :( )

I will say this.  If, in ANY way, shape or form I have EVER said, done or written ANYTHING that has offended or hurt ANYONE, I hope and want you to tell me!!  I can't fix what I don't know about.

 So maybe I just answered my own question about whether or not to say something?  Maybe.  But not everyone is open to that.   

BNL...

So, I just got a Facebook message from Randy.  He has been sending me random texts and Facebook messages almost daily since he has been in Kalamazoo and I have to say, they never fail to make me smile.  Today, however, this Facebook message made me smile AND cry.

I am pasting his message.  Click the link and it will take you to Reddit.  The message is Randy's.  I love that boy.   <3

This was the message:

• 

  5:25pm
  

  Randy Huizinga

  http://www.reddit.com/r/Music/comments/1oqc30/we_are_barenaked_ladies_and_odds_are_you_will_ask/ccujypt

  

  so that just happened

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  (In case you missed it....Ed from the Bare Naked Ladies replied to Randy's post. I thought that was awesome! :))

  There they are....the last time he was with Nikki. Saying good-bye.

  
  

  

  
  

  
  

Relationships...

Most of the posts I have written in this ole blog of mine are about my sister in some way, shape or form.  I didn't intend for this blog to become that but it has.  And that's ok!  It's been a place for me to write about my feelings and emotions regarding Nikki's illness and death.  I've also written about my relationship with family members, etc.  ALL of that has been good for me.  I have said many times that writing in here, and even sharing it for others to read, has been therapeutic for me.  

But for some reason lately, I have been thinking about the relationships I have here....in Michigan.  Or, perhaps, lack of them is a better term.  (Let me first state that I do not mean my relationship with my husband or my kids!!  They are great!!)

There was a time not so long ago that I felt like I was in a wonderful place in my life.  That's not to say that I am not happy with my life, I AM.....but well, I don't know how to say this without coming across as mean, or condescending or whatever, and that's not what I want to convey.  But it seems that a lot of people have either backed out of my life....or dropped out almost completely.  Maybe that was my own doing?  Maybe I pushed them away?  However it happened, it hurts.  Some friends I expected/hoped would be there for me.....weren't.  (But, that's what I get for having expectations!) I had a couple of friends that I felt would be too busy for me who completely surprised me.  And I have the friends who just hugged me and loved me.  :)  Yanno what?  Other than my husband and kids, I don't have family here.  I consider my friends my family.  And sometimes it gets pretty darn lonely.

I'm not a perfect friend by any stretch of the imagination.  I have my faults.  I have made my share of mistakes.  And I will make many more in my lifetime!  I say what's on my mind (most of the time).  I trust too much....or maybe I don't trust enough.  But sometimes I just don't feel like I stack up.  Like I am not good enough.  Not skinny enough.  Not smart enough.  Not Republican enough.  Not Christian enough.  (Don't laugh....don't pffffft.....don't say "oh, Michelle")  But I can say one thing I am and that is me.  I LIKE me.  And I love my family and friends whole heartedly.

I know that God places people in our life for a reason.  We never know what that reason is.  But I truly believe that every single person that I have come across in my lifetime has taught me something.  Although, sometimes the lessons are learned the hard way.  

This blog might be trivial to some.  It might be a waste of time for some.  It might seem downright stupid to some.  The "some" I am referring to are my friends.  It's NOT stupid to me, nor is it trivial or a waste of my time.   It's ME...speaking from my heart.  Healing a broken heart from a loss of a loved one.  Anyone who has lost someone they love should know what that feels like!!!  We all handle grief in different ways.  I choose to write about it.  I choose to share those writings....my feelings....with you....my friends and family!!  In other words, it's kind of a big deal to me that you give a darn.  

I mean no ill feelings toward anyone and this post was not directed at any one specific.  Take what you want from this.  I will end with this......tell the people in your life how you feel about them.  Hug them.  Let them know you are thinking about them (even if it's in a silly way like "liking" a Facebook status).  Take time for them....MAKE time for them.  Let them know you care.  Love them.

4 Months...

Today marks 4 months since Nikki passed away.  :(  

I'm not sure whether 4 months seems like an eternity or if it doesn't seem like it's been that long!  All I know is that it still sucks and that she is missed so much!

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada.  So, today my family out east isn't feeling very thankful.  Yes, I know there is a lot to be thankful for and I know that they are.  I guess because it's 4 months....Thanksgiving....and all that jazz, well, you get the picture. I would probably feel more like that myself if I were still in Canada. I'm just kind of removed from the Thanksgiving thing.

I cry about Nikki a lot these days.  I'm not sure why.  I think there is a realization that has FINALLY hit me.  

She's not coming back.

Maybe I need to make some sort of peace with it, or something.  

I miss you, Nikki,  <3