It's Not Sadness....

I'm pissed off.

I don't mean just right now at this minute.  I mean I'm pissed off in general.  And the thing is, I....don't....know....why!

Everything (and I realize words like "every" and "always" are not words I should use since they have a very broad meaning) seems to get on my nerves lately.  And really, it's not me.  I'm not an angry, bitter, pissy person.  Typically, I'm a happy go lucky, easy going gal.  I hate that I feel like this.  

I initially thought it was my depression creeping back into my life to once again make me miserable....but I'm not so sure.  I mean, there is probably something to that.  But I think it all stems from the anger I have been recently feeling about Nikki dying.  Who am I kidding?  I AM depressed.  I am once again struggling with depression because of this.  There...I said it.  Ugh!

Yes, I realize it's been like 8 months.  I was ok with it at first.  Well, not "ok".  I was really sad and I missed her and everything but I wasn't mad!!  (And I know about the stages of grief.)  Now....for the last month or so....I am pissed off.  Not AT Nikki....but because she is gone.  Because cancer took her!!!  It sucks and it pisses me off!!!  I want her back.  I want to continue with the relationship we were establishing.  I want to have more "one on one" talks in the car with her.  Or at the crappy sushi restaurant in Fredericton.  I want to get to KNOW her better.  We lost way too much time when I moved away.  That is no one's fault, it's just the direction our lives took.  I am just thankful for the past few years we had and establishing a relationship.  

I know I can't physically have her back.  I'm not a moron.  But I think that anyone who has lost a loved one wishes they could bring them back.  No one wants to lose someone they love.  I do have her with me.  All the time.  In my heart.  I think about her.  I talk to her.  I miss her and I love her.

So yeah, I'm pissed off.  I have  lashed out at people I care about (mostly my husband).  I have lashed out at people on Facebook.  I have little or no desire to even be with my friends who I love dearly.  If I had a choice, I would become a hermit and sit in the house all day, every day.  And spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself.  Or being pissy.  Or crying.  Because I have been through depression before, I recognize this and I am working to fix it.  It's not a quick fix.  It's not an easy fix.  It requires patience from me AND from my family and friends.  (Personally, I think some people have given up on me and have decided that I an just a bitter old woman.)  It's been said that "I just want to give you space" or "I don't know what to do" or "I figure if you need me you will ask".  Come on!  Really?  It hurts me that friends have stepped aside.  When the going gets tough, abandon that person?  Nice.  I can think of a few who this holds true.....and I'm not gonna lie....it sucks.  :(   If anyone thinks that "depression" is not real or is a cop out on how to  handle real life problems, then to that I say..be gone from my life.  Sorry....just truth.  Educate yourself.

Anyway, I didn't write this as a blame session.  Depression is hard.  Many don't understand it and think it's easy to just not be sad anymore.  It's NOT just a feeling of sadness.  And it's not just something I can snap out of.  If I could, trust me, I would because this is not easy.  Literally, it sucks most of my energy from me.  It causes me physical pain and sickness.  Not exactly things I would choose to have.  So, again, I am working on it.  

So, yes, I miss my sister every day.  And yes, I am angry that she is gone, but I know where she is.  I know she is safe in the arms of God and I know she is now painless and cancer free.  I know I will see her again some day.  I know she is with each and every one that she loved.  She always will be.  But I still miss her!!!

Because of her, I choose to look at every day as a blessing.  I am working on finding the positives in life instead of focusing on the negatives.  Life is short.  Too short and we never know when our time here on earth is done.  Yes, I am struggling with this whole depression thing, I also know that it's not permanent.  Finding the good, the positives, the blessings in everything...in every day...will help.

Carrots...

Tonight I made chicken and cooked carrots for dinner.  For some odd reason, when I was cutting up those carrots and putting them into the pot, I was thinking about Nikki.  Now, I KNOW that sounds totally crazy....so let me explain.  lol  Every time I went out east, we would all gather at my sister Kelly's place and usually we would all chip in making dinner.  I will always picture Nikki sitting at the kitchen table cutting up something.....and quite often that something was carrots.  lol  I don't know why, but I guess we ate a lot of meals with carrots in them.  But since she wasn't the greatest cook (hey, she would admit to that, too!!  lol) she did prep work.  Cutting veggies...grating cheese...peeling potatoes.  It's so weird what will trigger memories.  I never in a million years would ever think that carrots would cause me to think of my baby sister.  

The funny thing, though......I had a craving for those dang carrots ALL day.  :)

Humor is Good Medicine....

I was scrolling through Facebook today, as usual, and I came across a post that one of my friends had shared.  It was "The 19 Most Romantic Things That Happened in 2013".  Most were photos, but there were a few videos.  I came across one, and for many reasons, it made me think of my sister, Nikki.  I will post the video on here at the end of this post, and when you see it you might think, WHY would a video of a husband doing something so romantic for his wife, something to make her laugh,  during her chemo treatments remind me of my sister.  Well, I will tell you.  

He wanted to make her laugh during a very rough time.  

When Nikki spent her last few weeks in the hospital, I wanted her to laugh.  I was, as I called myself, her "comic relief".  (Weird, I know...lol)  I don't know if she actually thought I was funny or not or if she was laughing at/with me to appease me.....but I tried anyway.  I knew....we ALL knew...that she was going to die and, trust me, that is a terrible thing to "wait" for.  I didn't want her to spend her every waking minute with us, being sad or feeling blue or seeing us all cry!  You know?  Of course we WERE sad and of course we DID cry!  And that was ok, too!   But when I could, I tried to be funny....to make her smile and even laugh.  To help her forget, if even for a few minutes (or even seconds) her inevitable fate.

In the beginning, it was easier to do that because she was more conscious.  But as the weeks went on, she was asleep more and more, or "medicated".  But I knew she was well aware of her surroundings.  I knew she could hear us talking and I still wanted her to smile.  Did she?  Yes and no.  Not always that we could see....but I know she was smiling on the inside.  She was probably laughing at how incredible silly we all were, and that's ok....we were!! 

I think that some people don't think it's "right" to laugh or be funny when a loved one is suffering/sick/dying.  Maybe it's not.  Or maybe it's not "right" for that person or family.  I believe it was right for our family and I believe it was right for Nikki.  There was a time and a place, of course.  I don't think I ever crossed a line of inappropriateness.  Everyone has their way of dealing.  Mine is with humor.  

So, this is the video that got me thinking....watch it.  It's not the same situation....but it's very cool indeed.  :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FF_m6HBPufA#t=10

On the Verge...

Verge of tears.  Again.  I am so tired of this.  And to top it off, it feels like some days I have to walk on egg shells around here.  Do you know how difficult that is when your emotions are on a roller coaster to begin with?  Keep it together, Michelle.....keep it together.  I just gotta keep telling myself that.

Thanksgiving...

So, today was Thanksgiving in the USA.  I am a Canadian living in the States, and have been since 1989, so even after all this time, I can't wrap my head around the whole holiday.  Other than it's a long, long weekend.  I don't mean that offensively to anyone, I am simply sharing my feelings.  Yes, I love my family and I am appreciative for everything I have but I don't need one day of the year to be thankful for the people in my life, or for what I have, etc, etc.  

Now, why would I say something like that that could come off as a little bit pissy to some people?   (And AGAIN, I don't mean this to be hurtful or snotty to anyone at all!)  Well, when we sat down to dinner today and after Peter said grace, we went around and said what we were thankful for.  When it was my turn, I got emotional and it was kind of at that moment that I realized that I am EXTREMELY thankful for the people in my life.  People can leave us way too soon.  Just in this year alone, we have faced the loss of 2 loved ones.  My mother in law passed away a year ago...2 days before Thanksgiving last year.  And of course Nikki passed away in June.  That is not to say that I am not thankful for loved ones every day, I am......but this year I have really come to realize just HOW important they are to me and especially how much I miss them.

Now here I sit, again, tearing up as I write this.  Sheesh!  This has been the story of my life lately.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  The least little things make me sob.  It's a good thing everyone else is in the other room watching football or they might think I am nuts.  Well, the wouldn't be completely wrong, but still.  ;)

I guess my point to all of this is cherish EVERY moment together.  Not just on Thanksgiving.  Some of you have family so close to you and get to spend a lot of time together.  Birthdays, holidays, events or just have coffee together.  NEVER take family for granted.  I could only WISH to be nearer to my Mom and sisters (and everyone else, too!).  It's a major trip to be with my family. But I do it when I can and I am thankful for every moment we get to spend together.  Please do the same with your families!

God bless.  

Happy Thanksgiving....American style.  ;)

Oh, Baby...

I have been having a lot of dreams lately about Nikki.  I'm not sure why, I guess she has been on my mind a lot.

I'm not one to analyze dreams or try to figure out if they mean something.  I'm not really into all that but sometimes I have to sit back and think.....WHY on earth would I have THAT dream!?

The last dream I had about Nikki was kinda way out there.  Nikki was never able to conceive a child.  Then when she was diagnosed with uterine cancer and had a hysterectomy, her chances of ever getting pregnant were completely over.  Of course, things took a turn for the worse anyway, sooo.  :(  We never got to have a little baby NikNik.

Anyway, so what does that have to do with my dream?  Well, the other night, I dreamed that Nikki was pregnant.  She was in all her glory, very pregnant and ready to pop.  She was sitting in a wheelchair being wheeled in to somewhere and I bent down to hug her and told her that I am so proud of her and excited for her and that I wasn't going anywhere.  Then we both started crying.  Then I woke up.

I woke up crying.  And that's about all I remember of that dream.  I know there was more, I remember there being more, it felt like I was dreaming for hours.....but I can't remember any more details.

So, this one time I asked...WHY??  What did that dream mean? Nothing?  Something?  I don't know.  It was just.....weird.  Yanno?  Sometimes I think my head just swirls with a million different thoughts and the result is a whacked out dream.  :)

Change Is Good...

I can't explain how I feel like I have changed over this past year or so, but I have.  Kind of a dumb way to start a post  eh?  Very random...lol  But this is something I have been thinking about a lot lately.  I'm not sure if I have written about this in other posts or not....I haven't gone back and re-read them...but I may have touched on it.  

I'm not even sure how to write about this subject.  I mean, I have changed.  I KNOW it.  I can FEEL it.  I'm not saying that I have become this completely different person or anything like that.  (Though, in a way I think I have.)  I guess what I mean is that my priorities have changed.   Things that used to be important to me before are somehow not, or not AS important.  The term "don't sweat the small stuff" has taken on a whole new meaning and significance to me.  I don't get upset (as much) by the little things that used to make me crazy!  It's just not worth it.  

The little quirks in people that used to really bother me, don't bother me as much.  If that person is important to me I accept the quirks as part of them and move on and somehow the quirks have become less noticeable   If they aren't important to me, I have realized I can remove people from my life and it's not the end of the world.  I don't NEED 10,000 people around me to feel important and loved. I need those people who genuinely love me and genuinely care for me and genuinely accept me and genuinely like ME for who I am!  I have discovered that many people just say or do what they think is "right".  Nah, that jut doesn't cut it for me.  Be real or be gone.  Sorry if that seems harsh, but that's reality for me.  

I have been through some pretty crappy stuff in my lifetime, but I think the whole process from my sister getting sick to, sadly, her death, has to be one of the worst things I have been through. BUT....I will say this...as horrible as it was, somehow I came out of it all a changed Michelle.  

Life is somehow different.

My baby sister changed me.  I don't think she knew that she did, I never told her, but then I guess I never really realized it until after she passed away.  I talk to her though, and I have told her that because of her, my perspective on life is different.  So, I know she knows.  I DID, however, tell her how proud of her I was and how strong I thought she was.  Of course, I made her (and myself) cry when I said those things, but at the same time, it lead to some awesome bonding moments that I will have in my heart for the rest of my life!

I am sure some of you reading this (this is assuming people actually read this blog!) are thinking I'm kinda nutso.  Well, all I will say to that is this.  You go through the process my family went through....from a diagnosis, to surgery, to hope of remission, to watching your loved one breathe her last breaths and you tell me that all of that hasn't changed you and made you look at pretty much everything in your life from a completely different perspective!