The Cattle Baron's Ball...

Tonight Peter and I went to an event called The Cattle Baron's Ball. This is a fundraising event for the American Cancer Society.  You dress up in country & western wear and go eat, drink and be merry. You listen to live country music, check out a silent auction as well as the *yikes* live auction!  Cha ching!  It's a fun time, and what makes it even more special is that all the proceeds from tonight's event go to the American Cancer Society.  

Part of me was SO not looking forward to this thing tonight.  I kept wishing Peter would say he didn't want to go.  LOL  But that didn't happen, so we put on our cowboy/cowgirl gear and off we went.  

And it was fun.  Lots of great food.  Lots of (free) wine, beer and other drinks.  So we mosey around checking things out.  Peter even bid on a couple of items in the silent auction but he didn't win. Awww.    

We walk around, sampling the different foods and drinking our Coronas.  Yum.  Then I had my first emotional moment of the evening.  I knew this was a cancer fundraiser and, obviously, raising money to find a cure for cancer is pretty near and dear to me, but when we first got there it was like any other event, except I was in a cowboy hat....lol  Then we came to the Memorial Trees.  You can write the name of someone who has lost the battle with cancer and they will add that name on one of the trees.  

 So, I wrote Nikki's name on a tag and they hung it.  It was then that it hit me the reason for this whole big deal of an event.  Cancer took Nikki's life, and cancer affected every single one of us who knew and loved her!!  Cancer affected me!!

A little while later, we go into another room where they have speakers and the live auction.  Let me tell you, I was surprised at how emotional I was just listening to the people speak.  I had no idea that it would hit me like that!!  So, I am sitting there listening to the speakers, and I am crying.  It really struck a nerve with me!  I was one of those people who's life has been changed by cancer.  No, I wasn't the one who had it, but someone I loved very much did.  :(

I am glad that I was able to be a part of tonight.  :)

That's a lot of words to tell a short story, huh?  lol  Well, details are my thing as my husband tells me. ;)  Takes me a little while to tell a story.  

Oh...and speaking of my dear husband.  After the live auction and the THOUSANDS of dollars they raised with just that, they did this thing asking for donations.  You could raise your "paddle" (the paper with the numbers in the photo was our paddle) and say how much you want to donate. Peter raised his and made a generous donation to The American Cancer Society.  (American, Canadian....it doesn't matter to cancer and it doesn't matter to me! It all  helps!!)  I said he didn't have to do that, but he said he wanted to and that it was a very good cause.  His words were:  "Thinking about Nikki, hope that no one else has to say  good-bye."  Thank you, Honey!  I love you!  <3

Thinking about you, Bickett.  Tonight....and always.  <3

Gone But Not Forgotten...

Sometimes it doesn't feel like Nikki is gone.  

And by gone, I mean passed away.  Not gone to the store, or gone for a walk, etc.  She's REALLY gone.  I think because I have lived away from Fredericton, and my family, for so long, I got used to not being near them, not having them around, and for them not having me being really much of a part of their lives.  That is the reality.  So, even though I spent a lot of time with her during her illness, and was constantly with her for the last few weeks of her life, sometimes it still just doesn't seem real.

I mean...I KNOW she died (I still hate that word!!!) and I know that she's not coming back.  But like tonight, for instance, I am on Facebook playing Bingo and chatting to a friend and scrolling pages and I see the Nicole Lee Price - R.I.P page we made and I opened it up and looked at the photos of her on there and it hit me like a ton of bricks....and I said to myself (as a chill went through  my body) "she is gone, Michelle!!"

Is this normal after losing a loved one?  

  

All I know is that it sucks.  I mean, I am happy that she is pain free, not suffering, in Heaven...but I miss my baby sista.  :(

*tear*

Edit:  I posted this picture on Facebook back in '08 and this is the thread that followed.  Soooo Nikki....lol

• Nicole P lol we r so damn beautiful....lmao

  July 13, 2008 at 6:55pm · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga Damn straight!! hehe

  July 13, 2008 at 7:12pm · Like
• 

  Nicole P lol and my hair looked amazing

  July 13, 2008 at 7:29pm · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga Well, not as good as mine (lmao!) but yes it did!!! lol

  July 13, 2008 at 7:44pm · Like
• 

  Kelly Price-Doucet oh my good god

  July 13, 2008 at 9:28pm · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga I'm starting to think me and Nikki are alike in more ways than just our beautiful looks!! hehehe LOL

  July 13, 2008 at 10:09pm · Like
• 

  Kelly Price-Doucet you can say THAT again...sheesh...lol.

  July 14, 2008 at 6:34am · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga LMAO

  July 14, 2008 at 11:18am · Like
• 

  Nicole P lmaooooooooo got love it!!

  July 14, 2008 at 3:14pm · Like
• 

  Nicole P that is a hot pic of us...lol...

  January 19, 2009 at 7:26pm · Like

I'm a Believer...

During the duration of my sister's illness, from her diagnosis to her death, I asked for prayers for her.  I was asked a lot of questions about her illness, from "what type of cancer?", to "how long does she have?", etc, etc.   All reasonable questions.  But there was one question that I really didn't know how to answer (and kinda sorta had a bit of a problem with, to be perfectly honest)....and it was asked a lot..."Is she a believer?"  

How does one answer that question anyway?  I never felt like there was a clear cut answer.  If I said no, I felt like I was saying that she didn't believe in God and had no religious beliefs at all.  Which was not the case.  If I said yes, I was inferring that she had given her life over to Christ and accepted Him as her savior, and I wasn't sure at that point if she had.  So, I never knew how to answer.  "Just please pray", was what I was thinking.

So....if someone is a believer, they are deserving of prayers but if they're not, they we shouldn't pray for them?   I know the answer to that is that we should pray for everyone....no matter who they are, but then, WHY is that question asked?.  "Is she a believer?"   You want to know what I REALLY wanted to say?  "Who cares?!  Does it matter??  If I say she's not a believer you won't pray for her?"  I felt kind of offended by that question even though I know that no harm (or offense) was meant by it.  Maybe I was just being sensitive....which I guess I had (have) reason to be!

Don't get me wrong, my family and I SO appreciate ALL of the prayers, thoughts, concerns, everything!  And FYI, Nikki did become a "believer" before she passed away.   :)  But, I like to think that the prayers were being said for her even though no one really knew whether she was or not.  Shouldn't we pray even more, or harder, for those who do not know God?  

I miss my sister.  I miss her SO much.  :(  I know I will see her again one day.  But for now, I miss her here on earth with us.  

Just some thoughts swirling around in this head of mine.  Keep in mind, even though I share these posts, they are NOT directed towards anyone.  They are MY thoughts and vents and, as I have said before, it feels good to write them.....and to share them.

Oh, The Things You Will Think Of...

I have had so much on my mind the past few days and I don't even know where to begin to talk about them.  Nikki has been on my mind a LOT lately.  I will hear a song or see a picture or remember something.  The other day I was just sitting watching tv and out of the blue I had a thought.  What would I do, how would I react, if I was told that I was going to die in a few short weeks? 

Now, I am pretty sure I know where I am going when I die, and I know I will be one happy Michelle to be there.  Eternal life?  Yes please!  :)  But think about it.  We are human beings.  I honestly don't think I would be whoo hoo-ing if I was told I was going to die. Sure, the end result will be awesome, but going through weeks of knowing you have to say good-bye to loved ones.  Watching people around you cry and be sad.  Knowing that the terrible disease is making you sicker and sicker.  Feeling weak and quickly losing the ability to do things for myself.  Letting people feed me, or give me water. Feeling helpless.  Waiting....waiting.....waiting.  

That was Nikki.  I CANNOT even begin to imagine how she was feeling in those weeks.  I know when she was told the news she cried and cried.  She had spent almost a year and a half of her life trying to beat cancer.  She put her body through the ringer....especially in those last weeks before they told her!  It wasn't fair!  Why her?  Why a good hearted person like my sister who loved life so much???  Argh!!  It INFURIATES  me sometimes!!!

I can say that those weeks I spent in Fredericton, with Nikki....with my family, were tough weeks...but I have to think that they were even tougher for her.  Nikki made peace with her situation and she gave her life over to Christ.  Pastor Gord, the man who gave Nikki (and all of us for that matter) spiritual guidance during that time, said this:  "she didn't lose her battle with cancer....she won eternal life!"  He was right.  :)

Those weeks were VERY difficult for all of us.  But I can only imagine the things that were going through Nikki's mind.  I cry every time I think of that.  I'm crying now.  I try to put myself in that position but that is almost impossible.  I know she was sad.  But knowing Nikki, she was most likely more sad that others were sad.  

This whole thing has made me look at MANY things in a different light.  I don't know how else to explain it except that I am evaluating things.   Family has become even MORE important to me.  The people I expected to be there for me, haven't, and the ones I didn't expect to be...have.  I don't know what to think about that.  

Hug your loved ones.  Tell them you love them.  You don't know how long you have with them.  Don't waste an opportunity.

Bad Luck?

I am starting to think that this year.....2013....is a bad luck year.  

No, I'm not superstitious, but a lot of yucky stuff has taken place this year, to a lot of people and it kinda just sucks.

I feel like I have had one hurt after another with everything that's happened with my sister.  And then some shitty stuff with others as well.  

Quite honestly, I will be glad to see 2013 come to an end and I will welcome 2014 with open arms.....and hope it's a better year.  

Phil 4:13

My favorite scripture is Philippians 4:13 - I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me.  When I think of that verse or read that verse or say that verse, I really do feel like I CAN do anything because Christ is giving me strength to get through even the toughest times in my life.  He has, too.  There have been times when I have said things like "why me?" or "how am I ever going to get through this?" or "I can't do this!" etc, etc.   Knowing that God is with me, helping me through tough times, strengthening me to get through those times, makes it easier.  I could go on and on, but the gist of this post is not about my spirituality or belief, etc.  I just wanted to give a little background before I told a little story.  :)

When I was in Fredericton last week, I was in Giant Tiger with my Mom.  (I love Giant Tiger, just sayin'!)  We were just looking around at everything when we passed an end cap with a display of pretty ceramic mugs.  )And anyone who knows me knows my obsession with coffee mugs!  hehe  But that's another story.) These were "go-cups", made of ceramic with silicone lids.  There were several different designs....very nice!  So I say to Mom..."ohhh look, these are so pretty!" and I pick one up.  As I turn it around to look at the design, I see writing.  Guess what it said....yup, "I can do all things who Christ who strengthens me." 

Seriously!  I was shocked.  Of ALL the mugs on that shelf, I pick up that one, without even knowing what was on it!  I kid you not!!!  I even look for another one for Mom, but there was just one with that verse and design, and I had picked it up!  Weird?  I dunno.  But I look at these kind of things as, I dunno what you would call it, a sign?  Or God speaking to me? or something.  

I bought that mug.  (And one for Mom with a different design.  :) ) I carefully packed it in my suitcase so it would make it back to Michigan in one piece.  Which it did. 

I emptied my suitcase today and took out the little "finds" I picked up in Fredericton, my mug included (which was in one piece I might add!).  I set it on the laundry in the basket I was taking downstairs, and mosey on down the stairs.  I get to the bottom and .....yep, you guessed it.....it fell out and broke.  :(  Only right around the top because it landed mostly on the rug at the front door.  However, I cannot drink out of it now.  :(  

I cleaned up the pieces and was really sad when I was about to throw it in the garbage can, so I didn't.  I set it on the counter in the kitchen and looked at it and there it was.  The verse was still readable.  The cup was broken.  Again, I see these things as God speaking to me...telling me something.  Now, I am probably off base a LOT when it comes to that, but MY thought is this:  I am broken but I am still useful.  I have been feeling useless.  I'm not.  God still loves me.  I have been feeling alone.  I'm not I have been feeling weak.  I'm not.  :)

So, I am keeping the mug.  I will put it on a shelf in my craft room and put paintbrushes in it or something.  Funny how a something as silly as breaking a mug can bring a revelation.  

I need to always remember that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I think I was kinda forgetting that.  ;)

So, I Was Thinking...

So, I was thinking.  (My husband LOVES it when I start a conversation with that sentence.  His response is usually...."uh oh".  LOL)  But anyway, I was thinking about this whole blogging thing that I have found myself back into.  I realize that by putting a lot of my thoughts and feelings out there on this blog...and then posting it on Facebook for anyone to see, might seem weird to others.  I never thought of it that way.  

I initially started this blog to vent about political crap and to vent about stuff that I was getting annoyed with on Facebook.  This seemed like a better place to do it because it was more "private".  Ha!  Like anything on the internet is private.  But you get the gist.  I could write it and, at the time, I had no intentions of sharing it on Facebook at all!  So if anyone saw it, it would most likely be strangers who were surfing blogs.  

But....I didn't end up using this blog for that purpose.  My sister passed away (I STILL have a very hard time saying "my sister died".....*shiver*) and I found I wanted to write about her and events that took place during her illness and death, and feelings associated with it all.  It's been therapeutic for me.  

So, what was my point to this post?  lol  Oh yeah....putting it all out there for others to see.....my family and friends.  I am truly okay with that.  Obviously, or I wouldn't, right?  I guess what I mean is this:  this past year and a half has been a long tough road for my family.  I can only speak for myself and how I feel, but at the same time, I hope that when my mom and my sister and all the rest of my family read these posts (assuming they do!) that I have maybe, in a small way...somehow...possibly....perhaps....conveyed some of their feelings as well.  I know writing about Nikki has helped me.  I hope that by reading some of these posts has helped my mom and sisters as well.  I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound like I am bragging or something.  I write for ME but if in the process of sharing it, I can help someone else, then that is a good thing!  Yanno??  

So, yeah....I write what I feel and I post it on Facebook (mostly).  It makes me feel good to write it and, to be honest, it makes me feel good when my posts are read.  :)  

It's helped me heal.

Talk the Talk...

"Sometimes family members don't talk about their grief to each other because the relationships are so close, and there is so much raw pain.  Sometimes siblings don't talk about their deceased brother or sister because they are afraid of causing pain and upset to each other or to their parents."

I read that while surfing around blogs about cancer and losing siblings and family members to cancer.  I thought it was interesting because that's one thing we do, we ALL talk about Nikki. :) 

I was in Fredericton for a little over a week and there were many conversations about Nikki.  We had some serious ones but mostly we just talked about her to remember her because it feels good! Sure, we are sad that she isn't here with us anymore.  But she is with us.....yanno?  She will forever be with each one of us...in our heart.  

I hope that we will always talk about her, remember her, laugh about some silly things she said or did, and even cry for her.  Nikki, whether she knew it or not, brought us all closer.  Would I prefer it it she were here with us, enjoying all this bonding??  Absolutely!!!  But, sadly, that's not possible.  So, I will take comfort in knowing that she is in a good place, watching over us and smiling.  

AND.....we all know.....she is probably snapping her fingers with her diva attitude saying something like, "Oh yeah, I'm good! Uh huh!!"   :)

Size Matters? Evidently, to some...

I saw something today and it has been on my mind and bothering me all day.  I'm not exactly sure if it was the picture/post that I saw or just all the feelings and stuff that I associate with it.

It was a picture of a very large woman sitting in a seat at a sporting event.  The comment....and subsequent comments...were making fun of her.  

Wow.

Here's the thing.  No one is perfect.  Right?  I don't ever expect perfection from anyone.  Ever.  What I DO expect, though, is for people to at least have a shred of sensitivity in them and to think about, if only for a fraction of a second, how that woman feels.  And maybe think about how much courage it may have taken that woman to even GO to that game, let alone the embarrassment she could be in for because she knew the seat would be too small and uncomfortable!  Think that maybe that there may be a medical reason for her size.  Think that, really, that making fun of someone because of their size makes you the tool.....not her!  

I am so bothered by this.  Why?  Well, for one....I can relate to that woman in some ways.  And it sucks.  Also, it bothers me because I don't judge people on how they look.  Whether it be their size, their color, how they dress....whatever.  It's wrong!  Period.  

Wanna know the main reason why this particular post pissed me off so badly??  Because the person who posted it, I thought, looked up to me.  And now I just feel that this person (and probably others) was probably laughing at me behind my back.  

And we wonder why some people just feel like they want to step away from anyone and everyone except the ones they hold nearest and dearest to them.  Well, I'll tell you why......it's because of crap like this.

I know, I know....some people are probably thinking that it's not that big of a deal and I should just let it go.  Well it is a HUGE deal. I can't let it go that easily.  It hurts.  

PS:  I am NOT fishing for compliments here.