I am starting to think that this year.....2013....is a bad luck year.
No, I'm not superstitious, but a lot of yucky stuff has taken place this year, to a lot of people and it kinda just sucks.
I feel like I have had one hurt after another with everything that's happened with my sister. And then some shitty stuff with others as well.
Quite honestly, I will be glad to see 2013 come to an end and I will welcome 2014 with open arms.....and hope it's a better year.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Phil 4:13
My favorite scripture is Philippians 4:13 - I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me. When I think of that verse or read that verse or say that verse, I really do feel like I CAN do anything because Christ is giving me strength to get through even the toughest times in my life. He has, too. There have been times when I have said things like "why me?" or "how am I ever going to get through this?" or "I can't do this!" etc, etc. Knowing that God is with me, helping me through tough times, strengthening me to get through those times, makes it easier. I could go on and on, but the gist of this post is not about my spirituality or belief, etc. I just wanted to give a little background before I told a little story. :)
When I was in Fredericton last week, I was in Giant Tiger with my Mom. (I love Giant Tiger, just sayin'!) We were just looking around at everything when we passed an end cap with a display of pretty ceramic mugs. )And anyone who knows me knows my obsession with coffee mugs! hehe But that's another story.) These were "go-cups", made of ceramic with silicone lids. There were several different designs....very nice! So I say to Mom..."ohhh look, these are so pretty!" and I pick one up. As I turn it around to look at the design, I see writing. Guess what it said....yup, "I can do all things who Christ who strengthens me."
Seriously! I was shocked. Of ALL the mugs on that shelf, I pick up that one, without even knowing what was on it! I kid you not!!! I even look for another one for Mom, but there was just one with that verse and design, and I had picked it up! Weird? I dunno. But I look at these kind of things as, I dunno what you would call it, a sign? Or God speaking to me? or something.
I bought that mug. (And one for Mom with a different design. :) ) I carefully packed it in my suitcase so it would make it back to Michigan in one piece. Which it did.
I emptied my suitcase today and took out the little "finds" I picked up in Fredericton, my mug included (which was in one piece I might add!). I set it on the laundry in the basket I was taking downstairs, and mosey on down the stairs. I get to the bottom and .....yep, you guessed it.....it fell out and broke. :( Only right around the top because it landed mostly on the rug at the front door. However, I cannot drink out of it now. :(
I cleaned up the pieces and was really sad when I was about to throw it in the garbage can, so I didn't. I set it on the counter in the kitchen and looked at it and there it was. The verse was still readable. The cup was broken. Again, I see these things as God speaking to me...telling me something. Now, I am probably off base a LOT when it comes to that, but MY thought is this: I am broken but I am still useful. I have been feeling useless. I'm not. God still loves me. I have been feeling alone. I'm not I have been feeling weak. I'm not. :)
So, I am keeping the mug. I will put it on a shelf in my craft room and put paintbrushes in it or something. Funny how a something as silly as breaking a mug can bring a revelation.
I need to always remember that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I think I was kinda forgetting that. ;)
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When I was in Fredericton last week, I was in Giant Tiger with my Mom. (I love Giant Tiger, just sayin'!) We were just looking around at everything when we passed an end cap with a display of pretty ceramic mugs. )And anyone who knows me knows my obsession with coffee mugs! hehe But that's another story.) These were "go-cups", made of ceramic with silicone lids. There were several different designs....very nice! So I say to Mom..."ohhh look, these are so pretty!" and I pick one up. As I turn it around to look at the design, I see writing. Guess what it said....yup, "I can do all things who Christ who strengthens me."
Seriously! I was shocked. Of ALL the mugs on that shelf, I pick up that one, without even knowing what was on it! I kid you not!!! I even look for another one for Mom, but there was just one with that verse and design, and I had picked it up! Weird? I dunno. But I look at these kind of things as, I dunno what you would call it, a sign? Or God speaking to me? or something.
I bought that mug. (And one for Mom with a different design. :) ) I carefully packed it in my suitcase so it would make it back to Michigan in one piece. Which it did.
I emptied my suitcase today and took out the little "finds" I picked up in Fredericton, my mug included (which was in one piece I might add!). I set it on the laundry in the basket I was taking downstairs, and mosey on down the stairs. I get to the bottom and .....yep, you guessed it.....it fell out and broke. :( Only right around the top because it landed mostly on the rug at the front door. However, I cannot drink out of it now. :(
I cleaned up the pieces and was really sad when I was about to throw it in the garbage can, so I didn't. I set it on the counter in the kitchen and looked at it and there it was. The verse was still readable. The cup was broken. Again, I see these things as God speaking to me...telling me something. Now, I am probably off base a LOT when it comes to that, but MY thought is this: I am broken but I am still useful. I have been feeling useless. I'm not. God still loves me. I have been feeling alone. I'm not I have been feeling weak. I'm not. :)
So, I am keeping the mug. I will put it on a shelf in my craft room and put paintbrushes in it or something. Funny how a something as silly as breaking a mug can bring a revelation.
I need to always remember that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I think I was kinda forgetting that. ;)
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Monday, September 9, 2013
So, I Was Thinking...
So, I was thinking. (My husband LOVES it when I start a conversation with that sentence. His response is usually...."uh oh". LOL) But anyway, I was thinking about this whole blogging thing that I have found myself back into. I realize that by putting a lot of my thoughts and feelings out there on this blog...and then posting it on Facebook for anyone to see, might seem weird to others. I never thought of it that way.
I initially started this blog to vent about political crap and to vent about stuff that I was getting annoyed with on Facebook. This seemed like a better place to do it because it was more "private". Ha! Like anything on the internet is private. But you get the gist. I could write it and, at the time, I had no intentions of sharing it on Facebook at all! So if anyone saw it, it would most likely be strangers who were surfing blogs.
But....I didn't end up using this blog for that purpose. My sister passed away (I STILL have a very hard time saying "my sister died".....*shiver*) and I found I wanted to write about her and events that took place during her illness and death, and feelings associated with it all. It's been therapeutic for me.
So, what was my point to this post? lol Oh yeah....putting it all out there for others to see.....my family and friends. I am truly okay with that. Obviously, or I wouldn't, right? I guess what I mean is this: this past year and a half has been a long tough road for my family. I can only speak for myself and how I feel, but at the same time, I hope that when my mom and my sister and all the rest of my family read these posts (assuming they do!) that I have maybe, in a small way...somehow...possibly....perhaps....conveyed some of their feelings as well. I know writing about Nikki has helped me. I hope that by reading some of these posts has helped my mom and sisters as well. I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound like I am bragging or something. I write for ME but if in the process of sharing it, I can help someone else, then that is a good thing! Yanno??
So, yeah....I write what I feel and I post it on Facebook (mostly). It makes me feel good to write it and, to be honest, it makes me feel good when my posts are read. :)
It's helped me heal.
I initially started this blog to vent about political crap and to vent about stuff that I was getting annoyed with on Facebook. This seemed like a better place to do it because it was more "private". Ha! Like anything on the internet is private. But you get the gist. I could write it and, at the time, I had no intentions of sharing it on Facebook at all! So if anyone saw it, it would most likely be strangers who were surfing blogs.
But....I didn't end up using this blog for that purpose. My sister passed away (I STILL have a very hard time saying "my sister died".....*shiver*) and I found I wanted to write about her and events that took place during her illness and death, and feelings associated with it all. It's been therapeutic for me.
So, what was my point to this post? lol Oh yeah....putting it all out there for others to see.....my family and friends. I am truly okay with that. Obviously, or I wouldn't, right? I guess what I mean is this: this past year and a half has been a long tough road for my family. I can only speak for myself and how I feel, but at the same time, I hope that when my mom and my sister and all the rest of my family read these posts (assuming they do!) that I have maybe, in a small way...somehow...possibly....perhaps....conveyed some of their feelings as well. I know writing about Nikki has helped me. I hope that by reading some of these posts has helped my mom and sisters as well. I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound like I am bragging or something. I write for ME but if in the process of sharing it, I can help someone else, then that is a good thing! Yanno??
So, yeah....I write what I feel and I post it on Facebook (mostly). It makes me feel good to write it and, to be honest, it makes me feel good when my posts are read. :)
It's helped me heal.
Talk the Talk...
"Sometimes family members don't talk about their grief to each other because the relationships are so close, and there is so much raw pain. Sometimes siblings don't talk about their deceased brother or sister because they are afraid of causing pain and upset to each other or to their parents."
I read that while surfing around blogs about cancer and losing siblings and family members to cancer. I thought it was interesting because that's one thing we do, we ALL talk about Nikki. :)
I was in Fredericton for a little over a week and there were many conversations about Nikki. We had some serious ones but mostly we just talked about her to remember her because it feels good! Sure, we are sad that she isn't here with us anymore. But she is with us.....yanno? She will forever be with each one of us...in our heart.
I hope that we will always talk about her, remember her, laugh about some silly things she said or did, and even cry for her. Nikki, whether she knew it or not, brought us all closer. Would I prefer it it she were here with us, enjoying all this bonding?? Absolutely!!! But, sadly, that's not possible. So, I will take comfort in knowing that she is in a good place, watching over us and smiling.
AND.....we all know.....she is probably snapping her fingers with her diva attitude saying something like, "Oh yeah, I'm good! Uh huh!!" :)
I read that while surfing around blogs about cancer and losing siblings and family members to cancer. I thought it was interesting because that's one thing we do, we ALL talk about Nikki. :)
I was in Fredericton for a little over a week and there were many conversations about Nikki. We had some serious ones but mostly we just talked about her to remember her because it feels good! Sure, we are sad that she isn't here with us anymore. But she is with us.....yanno? She will forever be with each one of us...in our heart.
I hope that we will always talk about her, remember her, laugh about some silly things she said or did, and even cry for her. Nikki, whether she knew it or not, brought us all closer. Would I prefer it it she were here with us, enjoying all this bonding?? Absolutely!!! But, sadly, that's not possible. So, I will take comfort in knowing that she is in a good place, watching over us and smiling.
AND.....we all know.....she is probably snapping her fingers with her diva attitude saying something like, "Oh yeah, I'm good! Uh huh!!" :)
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Size Matters? Evidently, to some...
I saw something today and it has been on my mind and bothering me all day. I'm not exactly sure if it was the picture/post that I saw or just all the feelings and stuff that I associate with it.
It was a picture of a very large woman sitting in a seat at a sporting event. The comment....and subsequent comments...were making fun of her.
Wow.
Here's the thing. No one is perfect. Right? I don't ever expect perfection from anyone. Ever. What I DO expect, though, is for people to at least have a shred of sensitivity in them and to think about, if only for a fraction of a second, how that woman feels. And maybe think about how much courage it may have taken that woman to even GO to that game, let alone the embarrassment she could be in for because she knew the seat would be too small and uncomfortable! Think that maybe that there may be a medical reason for her size. Think that, really, that making fun of someone because of their size makes you the tool.....not her!
I am so bothered by this. Why? Well, for one....I can relate to that woman in some ways. And it sucks. Also, it bothers me because I don't judge people on how they look. Whether it be their size, their color, how they dress....whatever. It's wrong! Period.
Wanna know the main reason why this particular post pissed me off so badly?? Because the person who posted it, I thought, looked up to me. And now I just feel that this person (and probably others) was probably laughing at me behind my back.
And we wonder why some people just feel like they want to step away from anyone and everyone except the ones they hold nearest and dearest to them. Well, I'll tell you why......it's because of crap like this.
I know, I know....some people are probably thinking that it's not that big of a deal and I should just let it go. Well it is a HUGE deal. I can't let it go that easily. It hurts.
PS: I am NOT fishing for compliments here.
It was a picture of a very large woman sitting in a seat at a sporting event. The comment....and subsequent comments...were making fun of her.
Wow.
Here's the thing. No one is perfect. Right? I don't ever expect perfection from anyone. Ever. What I DO expect, though, is for people to at least have a shred of sensitivity in them and to think about, if only for a fraction of a second, how that woman feels. And maybe think about how much courage it may have taken that woman to even GO to that game, let alone the embarrassment she could be in for because she knew the seat would be too small and uncomfortable! Think that maybe that there may be a medical reason for her size. Think that, really, that making fun of someone because of their size makes you the tool.....not her!
I am so bothered by this. Why? Well, for one....I can relate to that woman in some ways. And it sucks. Also, it bothers me because I don't judge people on how they look. Whether it be their size, their color, how they dress....whatever. It's wrong! Period.
Wanna know the main reason why this particular post pissed me off so badly?? Because the person who posted it, I thought, looked up to me. And now I just feel that this person (and probably others) was probably laughing at me behind my back.
And we wonder why some people just feel like they want to step away from anyone and everyone except the ones they hold nearest and dearest to them. Well, I'll tell you why......it's because of crap like this.
I know, I know....some people are probably thinking that it's not that big of a deal and I should just let it go. Well it is a HUGE deal. I can't let it go that easily. It hurts.
PS: I am NOT fishing for compliments here.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
A Picture Paints a Thousand Words....
I take a lot of pictures. I'm not sure if it's a good thing that I have an iPhone or not because it seems I am forever taking pictures of someone or something. Nah, it's a good thing. I like taking photos. I like the memories they hold. :)
When I was out east for those 5 1/2 weeks in May/June, I took a lot of pictures with my phone. Sometimes the people I was taking pictures of didn't realize I was even taking a picture! lol Those ended up being some of my favorite photos....and memories. :) I have a lot of pictures of Nikki on my phone....(which I probably should save somehow in case my phone ever crashes and I lose them all! That would totally suck!) and many of them I had posted onto Facebook or Instagram.
There is one picture that I took and never posted, though. I'm not sure why, I almost think it seemed a little "wrong". But, today, after reading on Facebook how much Kelly is hurting and how much she misses Nikki, somehow it feels "right". Kelly and Nikki were not just sisters of 42 years....they were best friends! Kelly lost a MAJOR part of her world...a major part of her life...when Nikki passed away.
This picture was taken June 13th, just a few hours before Nikki passed away (which is why it felt wrong to post it) and it pretty much sums up the feelings between these two. I can see so much love there. <3
It's ok to miss her, Kelly....and it's ok to grieve. I know she is looking out for you. I know she is still touching your life and I know she ALWAYS will be.
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When I was out east for those 5 1/2 weeks in May/June, I took a lot of pictures with my phone. Sometimes the people I was taking pictures of didn't realize I was even taking a picture! lol Those ended up being some of my favorite photos....and memories. :) I have a lot of pictures of Nikki on my phone....(which I probably should save somehow in case my phone ever crashes and I lose them all! That would totally suck!) and many of them I had posted onto Facebook or Instagram.
There is one picture that I took and never posted, though. I'm not sure why, I almost think it seemed a little "wrong". But, today, after reading on Facebook how much Kelly is hurting and how much she misses Nikki, somehow it feels "right". Kelly and Nikki were not just sisters of 42 years....they were best friends! Kelly lost a MAJOR part of her world...a major part of her life...when Nikki passed away.
This picture was taken June 13th, just a few hours before Nikki passed away (which is why it felt wrong to post it) and it pretty much sums up the feelings between these two. I can see so much love there. <3
It's ok to miss her, Kelly....and it's ok to grieve. I know she is looking out for you. I know she is still touching your life and I know she ALWAYS will be.
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Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Change...?
I have changed.
I know that sounds like a vague yet very broad statement. But it's true. I have changed. Ok, well not every little single thing about me has changed. But, in general, yanno?
So, what changed me? I don't think I can pinpoint any one thing specifically, but I am pretty sure that it has to do with the events of the past year and a half or so. In other words, the process that led to my sister dying.
I dunno....I can't even put into words, really, of what I mean by "I have changed". When I received that call from my mother that my baby sister had cancer....I didn't know what to think. Or say. Or feel. I kinda went numb. Really? Nikki has cancer?? How? Where? WHY??? It was advanced....blah. blah. blah. Something right then.....in that moment, started a change in me. My family....outside of my husband and my kids...became a priority. Now, I don't mean to say that they never were before. But, truth be told....we weren't always a mushy, gushy, lovey, dovey kind of family. Yes, we loved each other, and yes, our relationships were developing and strengthening but ....what!!?? My sister has cancer???!! Well, this threw us all for a loop and, I feel, was the like a big strong magnet that was bringing us all close together! Does that make any sense at all??
I started making trips to Fredericton. To be there when Nikki had surgery. To be there for a chemo appointment so I could be with her and see what she was going through. To be there when she went to the oncologist to get results after her first round of chemo. To be there for my Mom! To be there for Kelly! To just....be there!! In the process of all of these visits and appointments and conversations, we all became....closer. I developed a relationship with my two younger sisters that, honestly, I never thought I would have. I strengthened my relationship with my Mom. And I got to "know" my nieces and nephews on deeper level.
There were phone calls and text messages and lots of Facebook! And of course, many trips to Freddie. I lost count how many times I flew out there. Every time I went, though, it was harder and harder to leave. Especially when we were told that she was dying. That's the sucky part of living 1000 miles from family! Ya always have to leave. :(
So, what's the change in me? All that didn't really explain it, did it? I'm not sure I know myself exactly . I do know that I have become more patient. I have become more empathetic....and sympathetic. I have become more accepting of the little quirks in people that would normally drive me up a tree! I have decided that I do not need negativity in my life and I take steps to eliminate what I can. I think more before I act (or speak) because, well, everyone has a story.
I've had a lot of hurt this past year and a half. Losing my sister was the worst of it. Everything else seems minor in comparison But, regardless, hurt is hurt. And it changes people.
Watching my sister die was one of THE hardest things I have ever done in my life. But it strengthened me! It strengthened my relationship with my family. It changed me.
I have changed. :)
I know that sounds like a vague yet very broad statement. But it's true. I have changed. Ok, well not every little single thing about me has changed. But, in general, yanno?
So, what changed me? I don't think I can pinpoint any one thing specifically, but I am pretty sure that it has to do with the events of the past year and a half or so. In other words, the process that led to my sister dying.
I dunno....I can't even put into words, really, of what I mean by "I have changed". When I received that call from my mother that my baby sister had cancer....I didn't know what to think. Or say. Or feel. I kinda went numb. Really? Nikki has cancer?? How? Where? WHY??? It was advanced....blah. blah. blah. Something right then.....in that moment, started a change in me. My family....outside of my husband and my kids...became a priority. Now, I don't mean to say that they never were before. But, truth be told....we weren't always a mushy, gushy, lovey, dovey kind of family. Yes, we loved each other, and yes, our relationships were developing and strengthening but ....what!!?? My sister has cancer???!! Well, this threw us all for a loop and, I feel, was the like a big strong magnet that was bringing us all close together! Does that make any sense at all??
I started making trips to Fredericton. To be there when Nikki had surgery. To be there for a chemo appointment so I could be with her and see what she was going through. To be there when she went to the oncologist to get results after her first round of chemo. To be there for my Mom! To be there for Kelly! To just....be there!! In the process of all of these visits and appointments and conversations, we all became....closer. I developed a relationship with my two younger sisters that, honestly, I never thought I would have. I strengthened my relationship with my Mom. And I got to "know" my nieces and nephews on deeper level.
There were phone calls and text messages and lots of Facebook! And of course, many trips to Freddie. I lost count how many times I flew out there. Every time I went, though, it was harder and harder to leave. Especially when we were told that she was dying. That's the sucky part of living 1000 miles from family! Ya always have to leave. :(
So, what's the change in me? All that didn't really explain it, did it? I'm not sure I know myself exactly . I do know that I have become more patient. I have become more empathetic....and sympathetic. I have become more accepting of the little quirks in people that would normally drive me up a tree! I have decided that I do not need negativity in my life and I take steps to eliminate what I can. I think more before I act (or speak) because, well, everyone has a story.
I've had a lot of hurt this past year and a half. Losing my sister was the worst of it. Everything else seems minor in comparison But, regardless, hurt is hurt. And it changes people.
Watching my sister die was one of THE hardest things I have ever done in my life. But it strengthened me! It strengthened my relationship with my family. It changed me.
I have changed. :)
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