Wow! It's been awhile since I've written anything in here. It's not been for lack of wanting to. I have just had a hard time, lately, trying to figure out how to put the thoughts, swirling around in my head, into print. I figure the best way is it just bite the bullet and do it, eh? :)
I have really been working on not holding on to things. By that I mean I am trying (I hate that word, btw) not to hold grudges, or resent people because they said something to me, maybe even years ago, that offended me or hurt my feelings. Long story short, I am working on forgiveness, something I have struggled with my whole life.
It's not easy to forgive someone for hurt they have caused me. Words cut deep into my soul like a hot knife through butter. I know in my heart that I need to forgive, I do, and I really, really do try. But for some reason, to me, when I forgive someone for something they said or did to me that was rude, or mean, or hurtful, or offensive, it feels like I have said, "ok, no problem. You hurt me and I'm ok with that." Or better yet, it's like I have given them the okay to keep on doing it!
I have come a long way though. Well, at least I think I have. But, hey, Rome wasn't built in a day now was it? I can't expect to go from next to zero forgiveness to forgiveness all across the board! Some might disagree with that and I am pretty sure I can hear the arguments. God forgives and so should I. I get it. I know. But that doesn't mean that forgiving isn't hard.
A couple of years ago, not long after the last presidential election, some things were said during a conversation with some friends. I can't, for the life of me, seem to shake the ill feelings that I (still) have from that night. During that conversation I felt judged. I felt like I was being attacked and I felt like that was a turning point in my relationship with these friends. So, why do I feel like I need to offer forgiveness for being the one who was offended and hurt? Good question. Because perhaps it will give me peace when it's all said and done? I dunno. The last thing I've felt since that conversation with those friends has been peace. So, not sure it's working for me too well.
When my sister was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago, I made a decision to be more present in her life. I wanted to be there for her as well as my other family members. That meant heading out east more frequently. It also meant that my life took a turn and the things I had going on at the time became less important to me. And I don 't mean that they were any less important, but just that my priorities changed. I think anyone in my situation would have felt the same. Perhaps I didn't handle some of these changes in the right way. I had less time for groups I was a part of. I was ok with that. But I still kinda tried to hang on a little bit because I loved it!! Until I felt like they let me go. I felt like they wrote me off from that group before I even wrote myself off. :( And that hurt. A LOT.
So, again, how do I forgive that? Though that is easier than the conversation one, I can't help but shake the feeling that I was only important enough when all was good and I was happy-go-lucky Michelle who was more than willing to do whatever was necessary and needed to help out. I went through a tough time and I kinda felt like I was deserted. That's MY perception. And I'm working on the forgiveness thing here, too.
It's a daily struggle. I have had many life changing events over the course of my 49 years. For some reason, the two scenarios I wrote about stick with me. Seems kind of trivial when I write about it. But hurt feelings aren't trivial. I need to let go and forgive. Not for the people who hurt me....but for ME so I can finally get over it and move on. :)
