I wanted to write this post on Friday, but since we lost power, and there was no way I was going to write this whole thing out on my cell phone....I'm writing it a little late. Not that it makes that much of a difference. Anyhow....
June 28th marked 2 weeks since my sister, Nikki, passed away. Two weeks! :( I still have a hard time believing it!!
During the course of Nikki's sickness and my many, many trips to Fredericton, I learned a lot about my sister that I really didn't know. Not living near each other for about 25 years or so, I guess that's understandable. I heard a lot of stories of how Nikki helped people. How she would do anything for anybody. How she would go without so someone else would have something. I wasn't surprised by any of it. That was her. She was willing to do anything to help someone, especially kids. She LOVED children and it was a shame that she didn't have any of her own. But, actually, she did have kids. She had many....in the form of her nieces and nephews. I think they were the most precious people in the world to her. She loved ALL of them and she loved them all equally. No matter how near or far from her they lived. She would do anything for them.
Even in her final day, I believe she was thinking of others....a nephew. I will never forget this as long as I live. Thursday, June 13th, about noon, they told us that Nikki would most likely not live to the end of the day. That was heartbreaking and though we all knew it was coming I had a sick feeling. That day happened to be my son, Pete....her nephew's, birthday. When I was alone with Nikki at one point, I actually begged her to hold on. I did. I'm not proud of that. Here I was, selfishly, begging my dying sister not to die on her nephew's birthday!! But, I know she heard me, even though she couldn't speak anymore. :(
That day was so rough. Watching her struggle to breathe was heart breaking. Around 8:00 pm, I went back to her and told her that it was ok. Pete would understand. It would be ok. She could go. I did not want her to suffer anymore and I felt guilty. But God love her, she held on and she took her last breath at 1:10 am (Atlantic time). That was 12:10 am Michigan (EST) time. I truly believe with all of my heart that she held on and she waited until June 14th to die so that one of her beloved nephews would not have to deal with a sadness on his birthday. I do. I believe she did that for me....and, more so, for Pete. I believe that she gave us that one last gift. She waited. I will NEVER forget that!! And I love her so much for that!!
That is just the kind of person she was. Right until the end she was thinking about others. I would hazard to guess that each one of Nikki's nieces and nephews would have a story to share about her and something amazing she did for them. 'Cause that's just how she rolled. :)
I miss you, Nik Nik. <3
Today was a bad day for me. Not sure why, exactly, but I cried at the drop of a hat. Well, I KNOW why it was bad and why I cried. I miss my sister. Every time I think of her and remember that she is no longer with us here on earth I get this huge wave of sadness come over me. And it's not like I even saw her every day! She lived in New Brunswick, I live in Michigan! But, I think, just the fact that I knew I could see her, or would see her, made all the difference. Now.....I know the next time I head out east, she won't be there. :(
Plus, all of my family is out there. Sure, I have my husband here, and my kids...and some good friends......and I am thankful for all of them!!! But I don't have my Mom or my other sisters, or my nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. They share the same sadness. Yanno? I guess I was feeling alone today. Imagine feeling alone when you're not really alone? *shaking head*
They say "time heals all wounds". I know it will get easier as time goes on. But I will always miss her. I will always think about her. Maybe soon I will smile more often than I cry when a memory of her pops into my head.
Well, the last time I posted on here was in April...talking about my baby sister and how she was battling endometrial cancer. Well, she lost the battle and on June 14, 2013. Her suffering was over. She passed away. She died. :(
Wow....I hate saying that word. Died. I think I have avoided saying it....or using it at all. She passed away. And I am sad about that. Come on...she was 42!! She had a lot of life left in her. Forty two is far too young to die, right??? But we all know that cancer doesn't discriminate. Ugh.
This has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I spent the last 5 weeks of her life with her and I am so glad that I did. I mean, she was in a hospital bed for 99% of the time, but at least I got to spent time with her when she was alert, awake, coherent, able to talk. Memories were made during that time that I will cherish for the rest of my life.
I always knew that I loved my sister....all of my sisters for that matter...but I guess I never really knew the depth of that love until I lost one. I can't even begin to explain the range of emotions and feelings that I have. Normal stuff? Perhaps. I dunno...I just feel like something is missing. And I suppose something IS missing. My baby sister.
I miss her. :(
This sucks. It hurts. And it just pisses me off! Is it normal to feel 1000 emotions?? At the same time??? Ugh again.
I take comfort in the fact that someday I will see her again. But right now, I miss her....and I think that's perfectly normal.
I love you, Bickett. <3
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