I AM Enough...

Where to start.

I have a million thoughts in my head and a millions things to say.  But when it comes time to actually say them, my mind goes bezerk. This may or may not make any sense.  It's just me....being me.  :)

This past year or so has been very "different".  So much has changed. The more I think about it though, the more I am realizing that perhaps it's not that so much has changed....perhaps it's ME that has changed.  I think everything else has always been the way it is, I just saw it through different eyes.  

I have felt for a large majority of my life that I am not good enough.  

Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough (or at all).
Not skinny enough (again, or at all).
Not friendly enough.
Too shy and yet, ironically enough, too big of a mouth.
Too fat.
Not a good enough daughter.
Not a good enough sister.  
Not a good enough wife and mother.
Not a good enough Christian.

Not...good...enough.

Life can be sailing along great.  Those feelings get pushed down deep inside of me.  I have a great family....great friends....great life.

So when stuff happens, like friends "letting go" of my friendship.  Or friends stopping contact with me, for well, not really sure of the reason, but the contact stops.  Or when others just stop talking to you.  Or when you feel judged by the people at the place where you should feel safest and loved.  Or when your politics are very different from the majority of people you know (which could be the reason for the stopped contact, I dunno), and a whole bunch of other stuff happens, that ole, "not good enough" feeling comes back with a vengeance.

I don't want sympathy.  That's not what this is about.  

I have been mulling things over in my mind for many months.  Life has changed for me this past year.  It's been a great year or so.  I have so much to be thankful for, and I AM, but for some reason I can't seem to stop focusing on the fact that I have not been a "good enough" friend.  Maybe I'm not.  I don't know.  I can't read into the minds and hearts of other people to find out what they think of me. Or if they think of me at all.  I am trying to teach myself that it's none of my business what other people think of me.  It's just a tough lesson to teach, and learn!

I have come to the conclusion though that it doesn't matter what others think of me.  I know I am a good person.  I know I am good enough.  I may not be good enough for some people, but the people in my life, the people who matter the most in the world to me, I AM enough.

Better Late Than Never...

I wrote this post several months ago but never posted it.  I'm not sure why.  I felt guilty or weird or something, I don't know.  Maybe it just wasn't the "right" time.  I came here to Blogger tonight to write a new and different post and saw this, reread it and decided to post it.  My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts.  Writing them out helps.  Those thoughts may not always make sense once they are written, but it's healing for me.  Make sense?  :)

Here's the post.  Better late than never, right?  ;)

When you have "problems" in your friendships, do you blame yourself?  Or is that just me?  I mean, I know it takes two people to make a friendship, right?  Give and take?  But what happens when you give more than you take?  Sometimes there just isn't enough of yourself to give anymore.  Couple that with your own personal issues and then what?  

Several months ago I had to step aside from a friend who was dealing with issues of her own because I was dealing with my own demons (depression!). In hindsight, we both needed more of the "take" in the friendship and neither of us were able to fulfill that.  

So, as months passed, my depression subsided (as is pretty normal) and I started feeling that I hadn't been a good friend.  I don't know that I was or wasn't because we didn't really get together.  But, regardless, I felt shitty.  "How could you not have been there for a friend at such a bad time, Michelle?"  "How can you be so uncaring, Michelle?"  "What kind of friend are YOU, Michelle?"   

I wasn't a bad friend.  I was a friend who was also in need.  

But people don't always see eye to eye.  

I apologized for not being "there" in a time of need (though, I'm not sure exactly why I apologized for that when at the same time I was in need, too.)  We talked.  And even though I knew that it would take time to get back the relationship we once had, if we ever could, we were good.  I thought.

December 30th, 2016, I woke up to a text message I'll never forget.  "I have to let go of our friendship".  There was more but that was the gist.  I wasn't sure what to say or how to feel.  I was stunned.  I just sat and stared at my phone and read the message over and over....and it wasn't until I told Peter about it that I felt any emotion. Then I cried.  

Then I got angry.  And I thought to myself, how dare you do this via text message?!  I was angry for awhile.

Now, I feel a sense of calm about it all.  I miss the friendship we had in the beginning.  I don't miss the friendship it had turned into at the end.  I have good memories and good times to look back on.  I don't hate her.  I never have, and never will.  I wish her all the peace and well being this world has to offer her.    

Happy New Year...

I have heard a lot of people say that they are glad that 2016 is over.  While last year has had some "interesting" stuff happen *coughdonaldtrumppresidentcough*  lol, 2016 was a happy year for me in general.

My husband and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.  We celebrated the marriage of our daughter and her husband. and a few months later, we rejoiced in the news that we would become first time grandparents in 2017!

We had many good times and celebrations with family and friends in 2016.  I really do feel grateful and blessed.

In 2016, I became interested (some might called it obsessed!  lol) with politics!  Very new for me....the woman who used to HATE politics!

And then of course, like any year, 2016 was not without it's bumps.  Bumps that I got through.....bumps that I am still going through.  (Depression is a big bump for me.  One I fight with every day,)  But isn't life full of ups AND downs?  I don't think I could appreciate the good things in life if I never had anything bad happen.  If that makes sense.

So, I don't know if I can say that I am "glad" that 2016 is over and gone.  I look at it as another page has turned in this book called life.

I am excited for all that this new year has in store for me.  And for the things that don't necessarily go the way I expect or want, I'll deal.   I have my family and good friends who I know will be there for me.  And, I have God.  :)

New year, new me?  Nah.  New year?  Yes.  New me?  Nah...I LIKE the me that I am and that's all that matters.

Happy New Year!  Here's to a happy and healthy 2017!!  <3

Love, Me  :)