Humor is Good Medicine....

I was scrolling through Facebook today, as usual, and I came across a post that one of my friends had shared.  It was "The 19 Most Romantic Things That Happened in 2013".  Most were photos, but there were a few videos.  I came across one, and for many reasons, it made me think of my sister, Nikki.  I will post the video on here at the end of this post, and when you see it you might think, WHY would a video of a husband doing something so romantic for his wife, something to make her laugh,  during her chemo treatments remind me of my sister.  Well, I will tell you.  

He wanted to make her laugh during a very rough time.  

When Nikki spent her last few weeks in the hospital, I wanted her to laugh.  I was, as I called myself, her "comic relief".  (Weird, I know...lol)  I don't know if she actually thought I was funny or not or if she was laughing at/with me to appease me.....but I tried anyway.  I knew....we ALL knew...that she was going to die and, trust me, that is a terrible thing to "wait" for.  I didn't want her to spend her every waking minute with us, being sad or feeling blue or seeing us all cry!  You know?  Of course we WERE sad and of course we DID cry!  And that was ok, too!   But when I could, I tried to be funny....to make her smile and even laugh.  To help her forget, if even for a few minutes (or even seconds) her inevitable fate.

In the beginning, it was easier to do that because she was more conscious.  But as the weeks went on, she was asleep more and more, or "medicated".  But I knew she was well aware of her surroundings.  I knew she could hear us talking and I still wanted her to smile.  Did she?  Yes and no.  Not always that we could see....but I know she was smiling on the inside.  She was probably laughing at how incredible silly we all were, and that's ok....we were!! 

I think that some people don't think it's "right" to laugh or be funny when a loved one is suffering/sick/dying.  Maybe it's not.  Or maybe it's not "right" for that person or family.  I believe it was right for our family and I believe it was right for Nikki.  There was a time and a place, of course.  I don't think I ever crossed a line of inappropriateness.  Everyone has their way of dealing.  Mine is with humor.  

So, this is the video that got me thinking....watch it.  It's not the same situation....but it's very cool indeed.  :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FF_m6HBPufA#t=10

On the Verge...

Verge of tears.  Again.  I am so tired of this.  And to top it off, it feels like some days I have to walk on egg shells around here.  Do you know how difficult that is when your emotions are on a roller coaster to begin with?  Keep it together, Michelle.....keep it together.  I just gotta keep telling myself that.

Thanksgiving...

So, today was Thanksgiving in the USA.  I am a Canadian living in the States, and have been since 1989, so even after all this time, I can't wrap my head around the whole holiday.  Other than it's a long, long weekend.  I don't mean that offensively to anyone, I am simply sharing my feelings.  Yes, I love my family and I am appreciative for everything I have but I don't need one day of the year to be thankful for the people in my life, or for what I have, etc, etc.  

Now, why would I say something like that that could come off as a little bit pissy to some people?   (And AGAIN, I don't mean this to be hurtful or snotty to anyone at all!)  Well, when we sat down to dinner today and after Peter said grace, we went around and said what we were thankful for.  When it was my turn, I got emotional and it was kind of at that moment that I realized that I am EXTREMELY thankful for the people in my life.  People can leave us way too soon.  Just in this year alone, we have faced the loss of 2 loved ones.  My mother in law passed away a year ago...2 days before Thanksgiving last year.  And of course Nikki passed away in June.  That is not to say that I am not thankful for loved ones every day, I am......but this year I have really come to realize just HOW important they are to me and especially how much I miss them.

Now here I sit, again, tearing up as I write this.  Sheesh!  This has been the story of my life lately.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  The least little things make me sob.  It's a good thing everyone else is in the other room watching football or they might think I am nuts.  Well, the wouldn't be completely wrong, but still.  ;)

I guess my point to all of this is cherish EVERY moment together.  Not just on Thanksgiving.  Some of you have family so close to you and get to spend a lot of time together.  Birthdays, holidays, events or just have coffee together.  NEVER take family for granted.  I could only WISH to be nearer to my Mom and sisters (and everyone else, too!).  It's a major trip to be with my family. But I do it when I can and I am thankful for every moment we get to spend together.  Please do the same with your families!

God bless.  

Happy Thanksgiving....American style.  ;)

Oh, Baby...

I have been having a lot of dreams lately about Nikki.  I'm not sure why, I guess she has been on my mind a lot.

I'm not one to analyze dreams or try to figure out if they mean something.  I'm not really into all that but sometimes I have to sit back and think.....WHY on earth would I have THAT dream!?

The last dream I had about Nikki was kinda way out there.  Nikki was never able to conceive a child.  Then when she was diagnosed with uterine cancer and had a hysterectomy, her chances of ever getting pregnant were completely over.  Of course, things took a turn for the worse anyway, sooo.  :(  We never got to have a little baby NikNik.

Anyway, so what does that have to do with my dream?  Well, the other night, I dreamed that Nikki was pregnant.  She was in all her glory, very pregnant and ready to pop.  She was sitting in a wheelchair being wheeled in to somewhere and I bent down to hug her and told her that I am so proud of her and excited for her and that I wasn't going anywhere.  Then we both started crying.  Then I woke up.

I woke up crying.  And that's about all I remember of that dream.  I know there was more, I remember there being more, it felt like I was dreaming for hours.....but I can't remember any more details.

So, this one time I asked...WHY??  What did that dream mean? Nothing?  Something?  I don't know.  It was just.....weird.  Yanno?  Sometimes I think my head just swirls with a million different thoughts and the result is a whacked out dream.  :)

Change Is Good...

I can't explain how I feel like I have changed over this past year or so, but I have.  Kind of a dumb way to start a post  eh?  Very random...lol  But this is something I have been thinking about a lot lately.  I'm not sure if I have written about this in other posts or not....I haven't gone back and re-read them...but I may have touched on it.  

I'm not even sure how to write about this subject.  I mean, I have changed.  I KNOW it.  I can FEEL it.  I'm not saying that I have become this completely different person or anything like that.  (Though, in a way I think I have.)  I guess what I mean is that my priorities have changed.   Things that used to be important to me before are somehow not, or not AS important.  The term "don't sweat the small stuff" has taken on a whole new meaning and significance to me.  I don't get upset (as much) by the little things that used to make me crazy!  It's just not worth it.  

The little quirks in people that used to really bother me, don't bother me as much.  If that person is important to me I accept the quirks as part of them and move on and somehow the quirks have become less noticeable   If they aren't important to me, I have realized I can remove people from my life and it's not the end of the world.  I don't NEED 10,000 people around me to feel important and loved. I need those people who genuinely love me and genuinely care for me and genuinely accept me and genuinely like ME for who I am!  I have discovered that many people just say or do what they think is "right".  Nah, that jut doesn't cut it for me.  Be real or be gone.  Sorry if that seems harsh, but that's reality for me.  

I have been through some pretty crappy stuff in my lifetime, but I think the whole process from my sister getting sick to, sadly, her death, has to be one of the worst things I have been through. BUT....I will say this...as horrible as it was, somehow I came out of it all a changed Michelle.  

Life is somehow different.

My baby sister changed me.  I don't think she knew that she did, I never told her, but then I guess I never really realized it until after she passed away.  I talk to her though, and I have told her that because of her, my perspective on life is different.  So, I know she knows.  I DID, however, tell her how proud of her I was and how strong I thought she was.  Of course, I made her (and myself) cry when I said those things, but at the same time, it lead to some awesome bonding moments that I will have in my heart for the rest of my life!

I am sure some of you reading this (this is assuming people actually read this blog!) are thinking I'm kinda nutso.  Well, all I will say to that is this.  You go through the process my family went through....from a diagnosis, to surgery, to hope of remission, to watching your loved one breathe her last breaths and you tell me that all of that hasn't changed you and made you look at pretty much everything in your life from a completely different perspective! 

Forgotten Photos...

I was going through the tons and tons of pictures I had taken with my phone because I wanted to delete some and clear out some space!  I have had it almost a year already and I haven't deleted any yet!  Ack!  Needless to say, I have a LOT of pictures.  

So, I am going through all of these pictures and one by one deleting some as I go. 

Then I come across this one.

And then this one:

Now, they aren't the best or most flattering photos in the world.....but they are special photos!  I look HORRIBLE, and well, like I have 6 chins....and normally I would never post that picture , but ya know what?  I don't care!  I love the picture....because my baby sister is in it with me.  

Look at the picture of Nikki and Kaden (our great nephew).  Look at the love in her eyes as she is looking at him.  She sure did love her little "Tater Tot"....and he loved "Nik Nik" right back.  :) 

No Offense...

When someone or something offends us, should we say something?  When someone or something hurts us, should we say something?

I have been asking myself those questions for some time now because, I don't know, maybe I am overly sensitive and I read into things that aren't there....or because I think...WOW! Did I really just see/read/hear that??  Quite often there is no intentional offense or hurt meant but it may just come across that way.  And even if it is NOT intentional, that does not mean that we can't be offended or hurt.  Right?  We all have different perceptions of what we see, hear and read.  

Anyway, my point being, if and when those circumstances arise, is it appropriate to say something and let the person know that you took offense, or that you were hurt?  Or is it better to just not say anything....let it go (ha!) and hold it in and risk letting it simmer and eat at you until it becomes resentment?  I prefer to say something, but that always seems to get me into trouble.  The times I don't, it eats at me and makes me bitter, I'm not gonna lie.  

I struggle with forgiveness.  I admit that.  I am working on it, but I find it extremely difficult to forgive.  I know, I know....I am supposed to forgive because God forgives me daily!  I know that!!  But I am human....and I will admit that forgiveness is just one of my many shortcomings.  Like I said...I am working on it!!  So, if I am offended by something and the person offending has no idea that I am offended or hurt.....do I forgive them?  Since they don't even know?  

Did any of that make any sense at all?  lol  I think I am confusing myself.  :)  (It's late and I have had kind of a rough evening.  :( )

I will say this.  If, in ANY way, shape or form I have EVER said, done or written ANYTHING that has offended or hurt ANYONE, I hope and want you to tell me!!  I can't fix what I don't know about.

 So maybe I just answered my own question about whether or not to say something?  Maybe.  But not everyone is open to that.   

BNL...

So, I just got a Facebook message from Randy.  He has been sending me random texts and Facebook messages almost daily since he has been in Kalamazoo and I have to say, they never fail to make me smile.  Today, however, this Facebook message made me smile AND cry.

I am pasting his message.  Click the link and it will take you to Reddit.  The message is Randy's.  I love that boy.   <3

This was the message:

• 

  5:25pm
  

  Randy Huizinga

  http://www.reddit.com/r/Music/comments/1oqc30/we_are_barenaked_ladies_and_odds_are_you_will_ask/ccujypt

  

  so that just happened

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  (In case you missed it....Ed from the Bare Naked Ladies replied to Randy's post. I thought that was awesome! :))

  There they are....the last time he was with Nikki. Saying good-bye.

  
  

  

  
  

  
  

Relationships...

Most of the posts I have written in this ole blog of mine are about my sister in some way, shape or form.  I didn't intend for this blog to become that but it has.  And that's ok!  It's been a place for me to write about my feelings and emotions regarding Nikki's illness and death.  I've also written about my relationship with family members, etc.  ALL of that has been good for me.  I have said many times that writing in here, and even sharing it for others to read, has been therapeutic for me.  

But for some reason lately, I have been thinking about the relationships I have here....in Michigan.  Or, perhaps, lack of them is a better term.  (Let me first state that I do not mean my relationship with my husband or my kids!!  They are great!!)

There was a time not so long ago that I felt like I was in a wonderful place in my life.  That's not to say that I am not happy with my life, I AM.....but well, I don't know how to say this without coming across as mean, or condescending or whatever, and that's not what I want to convey.  But it seems that a lot of people have either backed out of my life....or dropped out almost completely.  Maybe that was my own doing?  Maybe I pushed them away?  However it happened, it hurts.  Some friends I expected/hoped would be there for me.....weren't.  (But, that's what I get for having expectations!) I had a couple of friends that I felt would be too busy for me who completely surprised me.  And I have the friends who just hugged me and loved me.  :)  Yanno what?  Other than my husband and kids, I don't have family here.  I consider my friends my family.  And sometimes it gets pretty darn lonely.

I'm not a perfect friend by any stretch of the imagination.  I have my faults.  I have made my share of mistakes.  And I will make many more in my lifetime!  I say what's on my mind (most of the time).  I trust too much....or maybe I don't trust enough.  But sometimes I just don't feel like I stack up.  Like I am not good enough.  Not skinny enough.  Not smart enough.  Not Republican enough.  Not Christian enough.  (Don't laugh....don't pffffft.....don't say "oh, Michelle")  But I can say one thing I am and that is me.  I LIKE me.  And I love my family and friends whole heartedly.

I know that God places people in our life for a reason.  We never know what that reason is.  But I truly believe that every single person that I have come across in my lifetime has taught me something.  Although, sometimes the lessons are learned the hard way.  

This blog might be trivial to some.  It might be a waste of time for some.  It might seem downright stupid to some.  The "some" I am referring to are my friends.  It's NOT stupid to me, nor is it trivial or a waste of my time.   It's ME...speaking from my heart.  Healing a broken heart from a loss of a loved one.  Anyone who has lost someone they love should know what that feels like!!!  We all handle grief in different ways.  I choose to write about it.  I choose to share those writings....my feelings....with you....my friends and family!!  In other words, it's kind of a big deal to me that you give a darn.  

I mean no ill feelings toward anyone and this post was not directed at any one specific.  Take what you want from this.  I will end with this......tell the people in your life how you feel about them.  Hug them.  Let them know you are thinking about them (even if it's in a silly way like "liking" a Facebook status).  Take time for them....MAKE time for them.  Let them know you care.  Love them.

4 Months...

Today marks 4 months since Nikki passed away.  :(  

I'm not sure whether 4 months seems like an eternity or if it doesn't seem like it's been that long!  All I know is that it still sucks and that she is missed so much!

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada.  So, today my family out east isn't feeling very thankful.  Yes, I know there is a lot to be thankful for and I know that they are.  I guess because it's 4 months....Thanksgiving....and all that jazz, well, you get the picture. I would probably feel more like that myself if I were still in Canada. I'm just kind of removed from the Thanksgiving thing.

I cry about Nikki a lot these days.  I'm not sure why.  I think there is a realization that has FINALLY hit me.  

She's not coming back.

Maybe I need to make some sort of peace with it, or something.  

I miss you, Nikki,  <3

I Miss You...

I miss Nikki.  :(  

I have been thinking about her a LOT the past few days...and she has been in my dreams every night for the past few nights.  Maybe she knows I have been thinking about her.  I don't know.  But I miss her.

Don't get me wrong, I miss all the rest of my family, too.  Very much!  But, thankfully, I can call them...or text...or Facebook ...or GO there and see them!!  I can't do that with Nikki.  :(   So, I miss her.

I do talk to her, though.  And I am sure she is looking down at me, shaking her head saying something smart assed and/or sarcastic to me.  ('Cause that's how she rolled!)  :)  But I do talk to her.  Like it or not baby sista, that's what I am gonna do!  (And, I promise I am not giving you shit!  lol)  :)

I miss you, Bickett!  <3

Family....

Several years ago I used to have another blog.  It was kind of my saving grace for a period in my life.  It's where I wrote down many, many things that I couldn't or didn't tell anyone.  It helped me maintain my sanity and, oddly enough, it helped me get through a state of depression.  I don't expect anyone to understand how that could help.  I am not asking anyone to understand it!  It helped ME.  I didn't always write about negative things, I used it to write about anything and everything.  That blog is long gone, but I had saved some posts.  I came across this one today and I felt like I had to share it.  I wrote it in December 2008?  (If my math is right...lol)  

This past weekend I went to New Brunswick to spend time with my family.  It was my sister's 40th birthday, so that was my main reason for going.  I really looked forward to the trip since lately I have been missing family a lot.  Not sure why. It's been over 20 years that I have lived away, but nonetheless, I miss them.  I went with no expectations.  I went to get together with them and have fun, and that is what I did.  Of course I saw my Mom...and 2 of my sisters, but I also got to spend time with some cousins and my nieces and nephew.  I really hope (or wish) that they all know how much they mean to me....how important family is to me....how important family IS...period.  It seems for years I distanced myself from everyone.  Not intentionally...it just happens like that sometimes. Life got busy for everyone and I stopped making the trips out east to visit.  I was content, and I figured they were as well.  This past year or so something snapped in me. I dunno what it was exactly but I suddenly felt the need to go "home". I think because I felt like my life was coming apart here, I thought maybe my family (mother, sisters, etc) was a security to me. (?) I mean, they are family, right? So, this summer, we decided to  make a trip out there for vacation. Of course as soon as we made arrangements to go, I was ready to cancel everything and stay home.  I had expectations and I was afraid that those expectations would get shattered and I would hurt......more.  BUT....in the end, I dropped the expectations and we went, and by the time we were in the car, I was excited!!  We had a GREAT visit!  It was nice to see everyone.  I got along with my sisters better than I think I ever have.  I have always been close with my older sister but I have never really been close with my 2 younger sisters.  That seemed to change when we got together this summer.  It was like we had all suddenly grown up and were able to accept each other for who we are and, a big thing......I think we let go of some past crap. It's been nice keeping in contact with them and enjoying their company.  Life is just too damn short to hold on to "shit", yanno?

I wrote this 5 years ago.  Five years ago Nikki wasn't sick.  Five years ago we all began a new relationship with each other.  We had no idea what the following 5 years would have in store.  Everything happens for a reason.  I love my family.  <3

Flowers...

One of the things that Nikki had to do once she was told that she only had 4-6 weeks left to live, was help plan her funeral.  Ok, well she didn't HAVE to I guess.  We could have just taken the bull by the horns and planned it all, and just did it the way we THOUGHT it should be...but that's not what we wanted to do.  Kelly had the sad job of sitting down with her and asking her what her wishes were.  I KNOW that was hard for her.  I'm sure it was hard for BOTH of them.  :(  But Kelly was the best person for that job.  Her and Nikki were always closest.  Sisters AND best friends.  

There were several things that she specifically wanted.  (But this post isn't about all of her funeral requests.  :)  Bear with me here.) One of the things that Nikki said she wanted at her funeral was LOTS and LOTS of pretty flowers!  She got her wish.  She had SO many beautiful flower arrangements surrounding her.  I think we all made similar comments when we walked into the funeral home.  "Oh, look at all the flowers!"  and "She would LOVE this!"  and "It's just what she wanted!" etc.  I think we all cried, too.  For a variety of reasons, but seeing all the flowers and knowing that that is what she wanted....well, it was very special.  :)

After the funeral, everyone was taking some of the smaller arrangements home with them.  And the remainder of them went to the nursing home up the road.  I was a little jealous.  I couldn't take any flowers home.  :(  Peter and I had to leave the next day to drive back to the States and you're not supposed to take flowers and stuff across the border. That, and there is no way a beautiful arrangement would still be beautiful by the time we got back home to Michigan...lol

So, I cut a 3 or 4 of my favorite flowers and took a ribbon that was wrapped around one of the vases.  My intention was to take them home and press them into a book or something.  By the time I got home, however, they were pretty wilted, so I just hung them upside down until they dried.  They hung upside down until today when I FINALLY did something with them.  

No, I didn't 

press them.  I made them into an ornament.  :) I bought a big plastic bulb, and put the dried flowers in it and tied the ribbon around the top.   It's not done yet, though.  I am going to print off a picture of Nikki and slip it into the bulb....and somehow write her name, date of birth and date of death on the bulb.  

I will be honored and proud to display this bulb on our Christmas tree this year.  :)

The Cattle Baron's Ball...

Tonight Peter and I went to an event called The Cattle Baron's Ball. This is a fundraising event for the American Cancer Society.  You dress up in country & western wear and go eat, drink and be merry. You listen to live country music, check out a silent auction as well as the *yikes* live auction!  Cha ching!  It's a fun time, and what makes it even more special is that all the proceeds from tonight's event go to the American Cancer Society.  

Part of me was SO not looking forward to this thing tonight.  I kept wishing Peter would say he didn't want to go.  LOL  But that didn't happen, so we put on our cowboy/cowgirl gear and off we went.  

And it was fun.  Lots of great food.  Lots of (free) wine, beer and other drinks.  So we mosey around checking things out.  Peter even bid on a couple of items in the silent auction but he didn't win. Awww.    

We walk around, sampling the different foods and drinking our Coronas.  Yum.  Then I had my first emotional moment of the evening.  I knew this was a cancer fundraiser and, obviously, raising money to find a cure for cancer is pretty near and dear to me, but when we first got there it was like any other event, except I was in a cowboy hat....lol  Then we came to the Memorial Trees.  You can write the name of someone who has lost the battle with cancer and they will add that name on one of the trees.  

 So, I wrote Nikki's name on a tag and they hung it.  It was then that it hit me the reason for this whole big deal of an event.  Cancer took Nikki's life, and cancer affected every single one of us who knew and loved her!!  Cancer affected me!!

A little while later, we go into another room where they have speakers and the live auction.  Let me tell you, I was surprised at how emotional I was just listening to the people speak.  I had no idea that it would hit me like that!!  So, I am sitting there listening to the speakers, and I am crying.  It really struck a nerve with me!  I was one of those people who's life has been changed by cancer.  No, I wasn't the one who had it, but someone I loved very much did.  :(

I am glad that I was able to be a part of tonight.  :)

That's a lot of words to tell a short story, huh?  lol  Well, details are my thing as my husband tells me. ;)  Takes me a little while to tell a story.  

Oh...and speaking of my dear husband.  After the live auction and the THOUSANDS of dollars they raised with just that, they did this thing asking for donations.  You could raise your "paddle" (the paper with the numbers in the photo was our paddle) and say how much you want to donate. Peter raised his and made a generous donation to The American Cancer Society.  (American, Canadian....it doesn't matter to cancer and it doesn't matter to me! It all  helps!!)  I said he didn't have to do that, but he said he wanted to and that it was a very good cause.  His words were:  "Thinking about Nikki, hope that no one else has to say  good-bye."  Thank you, Honey!  I love you!  <3

Thinking about you, Bickett.  Tonight....and always.  <3

Gone But Not Forgotten...

Sometimes it doesn't feel like Nikki is gone.  

And by gone, I mean passed away.  Not gone to the store, or gone for a walk, etc.  She's REALLY gone.  I think because I have lived away from Fredericton, and my family, for so long, I got used to not being near them, not having them around, and for them not having me being really much of a part of their lives.  That is the reality.  So, even though I spent a lot of time with her during her illness, and was constantly with her for the last few weeks of her life, sometimes it still just doesn't seem real.

I mean...I KNOW she died (I still hate that word!!!) and I know that she's not coming back.  But like tonight, for instance, I am on Facebook playing Bingo and chatting to a friend and scrolling pages and I see the Nicole Lee Price - R.I.P page we made and I opened it up and looked at the photos of her on there and it hit me like a ton of bricks....and I said to myself (as a chill went through  my body) "she is gone, Michelle!!"

Is this normal after losing a loved one?  

  

All I know is that it sucks.  I mean, I am happy that she is pain free, not suffering, in Heaven...but I miss my baby sista.  :(

*tear*

Edit:  I posted this picture on Facebook back in '08 and this is the thread that followed.  Soooo Nikki....lol

• Nicole P lol we r so damn beautiful....lmao

  July 13, 2008 at 6:55pm · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga Damn straight!! hehe

  July 13, 2008 at 7:12pm · Like
• 

  Nicole P lol and my hair looked amazing

  July 13, 2008 at 7:29pm · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga Well, not as good as mine (lmao!) but yes it did!!! lol

  July 13, 2008 at 7:44pm · Like
• 

  Kelly Price-Doucet oh my good god

  July 13, 2008 at 9:28pm · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga I'm starting to think me and Nikki are alike in more ways than just our beautiful looks!! hehehe LOL

  July 13, 2008 at 10:09pm · Like
• 

  Kelly Price-Doucet you can say THAT again...sheesh...lol.

  July 14, 2008 at 6:34am · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga LMAO

  July 14, 2008 at 11:18am · Like
• 

  Nicole P lmaooooooooo got love it!!

  July 14, 2008 at 3:14pm · Like
• 

  Nicole P that is a hot pic of us...lol...

  January 19, 2009 at 7:26pm · Like