Family....

Several years ago I used to have another blog.  It was kind of my saving grace for a period in my life.  It's where I wrote down many, many things that I couldn't or didn't tell anyone.  It helped me maintain my sanity and, oddly enough, it helped me get through a state of depression.  I don't expect anyone to understand how that could help.  I am not asking anyone to understand it!  It helped ME.  I didn't always write about negative things, I used it to write about anything and everything.  That blog is long gone, but I had saved some posts.  I came across this one today and I felt like I had to share it.  I wrote it in December 2008?  (If my math is right...lol)  

This past weekend I went to New Brunswick to spend time with my family.  It was my sister's 40th birthday, so that was my main reason for going.  I really looked forward to the trip since lately I have been missing family a lot.  Not sure why. It's been over 20 years that I have lived away, but nonetheless, I miss them.  I went with no expectations.  I went to get together with them and have fun, and that is what I did.  Of course I saw my Mom...and 2 of my sisters, but I also got to spend time with some cousins and my nieces and nephew.  I really hope (or wish) that they all know how much they mean to me....how important family is to me....how important family IS...period.  It seems for years I distanced myself from everyone.  Not intentionally...it just happens like that sometimes. Life got busy for everyone and I stopped making the trips out east to visit.  I was content, and I figured they were as well.  This past year or so something snapped in me. I dunno what it was exactly but I suddenly felt the need to go "home". I think because I felt like my life was coming apart here, I thought maybe my family (mother, sisters, etc) was a security to me. (?) I mean, they are family, right? So, this summer, we decided to  make a trip out there for vacation. Of course as soon as we made arrangements to go, I was ready to cancel everything and stay home.  I had expectations and I was afraid that those expectations would get shattered and I would hurt......more.  BUT....in the end, I dropped the expectations and we went, and by the time we were in the car, I was excited!!  We had a GREAT visit!  It was nice to see everyone.  I got along with my sisters better than I think I ever have.  I have always been close with my older sister but I have never really been close with my 2 younger sisters.  That seemed to change when we got together this summer.  It was like we had all suddenly grown up and were able to accept each other for who we are and, a big thing......I think we let go of some past crap. It's been nice keeping in contact with them and enjoying their company.  Life is just too damn short to hold on to "shit", yanno?

I wrote this 5 years ago.  Five years ago Nikki wasn't sick.  Five years ago we all began a new relationship with each other.  We had no idea what the following 5 years would have in store.  Everything happens for a reason.  I love my family.  <3