It's Not Sadness....

I'm pissed off.

I don't mean just right now at this minute.  I mean I'm pissed off in general.  And the thing is, I....don't....know....why!

Everything (and I realize words like "every" and "always" are not words I should use since they have a very broad meaning) seems to get on my nerves lately.  And really, it's not me.  I'm not an angry, bitter, pissy person.  Typically, I'm a happy go lucky, easy going gal.  I hate that I feel like this.  

I initially thought it was my depression creeping back into my life to once again make me miserable....but I'm not so sure.  I mean, there is probably something to that.  But I think it all stems from the anger I have been recently feeling about Nikki dying.  Who am I kidding?  I AM depressed.  I am once again struggling with depression because of this.  There...I said it.  Ugh!

Yes, I realize it's been like 8 months.  I was ok with it at first.  Well, not "ok".  I was really sad and I missed her and everything but I wasn't mad!!  (And I know about the stages of grief.)  Now....for the last month or so....I am pissed off.  Not AT Nikki....but because she is gone.  Because cancer took her!!!  It sucks and it pisses me off!!!  I want her back.  I want to continue with the relationship we were establishing.  I want to have more "one on one" talks in the car with her.  Or at the crappy sushi restaurant in Fredericton.  I want to get to KNOW her better.  We lost way too much time when I moved away.  That is no one's fault, it's just the direction our lives took.  I am just thankful for the past few years we had and establishing a relationship.  

I know I can't physically have her back.  I'm not a moron.  But I think that anyone who has lost a loved one wishes they could bring them back.  No one wants to lose someone they love.  I do have her with me.  All the time.  In my heart.  I think about her.  I talk to her.  I miss her and I love her.

So yeah, I'm pissed off.  I have  lashed out at people I care about (mostly my husband).  I have lashed out at people on Facebook.  I have little or no desire to even be with my friends who I love dearly.  If I had a choice, I would become a hermit and sit in the house all day, every day.  And spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself.  Or being pissy.  Or crying.  Because I have been through depression before, I recognize this and I am working to fix it.  It's not a quick fix.  It's not an easy fix.  It requires patience from me AND from my family and friends.  (Personally, I think some people have given up on me and have decided that I an just a bitter old woman.)  It's been said that "I just want to give you space" or "I don't know what to do" or "I figure if you need me you will ask".  Come on!  Really?  It hurts me that friends have stepped aside.  When the going gets tough, abandon that person?  Nice.  I can think of a few who this holds true.....and I'm not gonna lie....it sucks.  :(   If anyone thinks that "depression" is not real or is a cop out on how to  handle real life problems, then to that I say..be gone from my life.  Sorry....just truth.  Educate yourself.

Anyway, I didn't write this as a blame session.  Depression is hard.  Many don't understand it and think it's easy to just not be sad anymore.  It's NOT just a feeling of sadness.  And it's not just something I can snap out of.  If I could, trust me, I would because this is not easy.  Literally, it sucks most of my energy from me.  It causes me physical pain and sickness.  Not exactly things I would choose to have.  So, again, I am working on it.  

So, yes, I miss my sister every day.  And yes, I am angry that she is gone, but I know where she is.  I know she is safe in the arms of God and I know she is now painless and cancer free.  I know I will see her again some day.  I know she is with each and every one that she loved.  She always will be.  But I still miss her!!!

Because of her, I choose to look at every day as a blessing.  I am working on finding the positives in life instead of focusing on the negatives.  Life is short.  Too short and we never know when our time here on earth is done.  Yes, I am struggling with this whole depression thing, I also know that it's not permanent.  Finding the good, the positives, the blessings in everything...in every day...will help.