I don't mean just right now at this minute. I mean I'm pissed off in general. And the thing is, I....don't....know....why!
Everything (and I realize words like "every" and "always" are not words I should use since they have a very broad meaning) seems to get on my nerves lately. And really, it's not me. I'm not an angry, bitter, pissy person. Typically, I'm a happy go lucky, easy going gal. I hate that I feel like this.
I initially thought it was my depression creeping back into my life to once again make me miserable....but I'm not so sure. I mean, there is probably something to that. But I think it all stems from the anger I have been recently feeling about Nikki dying. Who am I kidding? I AM depressed. I am once again struggling with depression because of this. There...I said it. Ugh!
Yes, I realize it's been like 8 months. I was ok with it at first. Well, not "ok". I was really sad and I missed her and everything but I wasn't mad!! (And I know about the stages of grief.) Now....for the last month or so....I am pissed off. Not AT Nikki....but because she is gone. Because cancer took her!!! It sucks and it pisses me off!!! I want her back. I want to continue with the relationship we were establishing. I want to have more "one on one" talks in the car with her. Or at the
I know I can't physically have her back. I'm not a moron. But I think that anyone who has lost a loved one wishes they could bring them back. No one wants to lose someone they love. I do have her with me. All the time. In my heart. I think about her. I talk to her. I miss her and I love her.
So yeah, I'm pissed off. I have lashed out at people I care about (mostly my husband). I have lashed out at people on Facebook. I have little or no desire to even be with my friends who I love dearly. If I had a choice, I would become a hermit and sit in the house all day, every day. And spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. Or being pissy. Or crying. Because I have been through depression before, I recognize this and I am working to fix it. It's not a quick fix. It's not an easy fix. It requires patience from me AND from my family and friends. (Personally, I think some people have given up on me and have decided that I an just a bitter old woman.) It's been said that "I just want to give you space" or "I don't know what to do" or "I figure if you need me you will ask". Come on! Really? It hurts me that friends have stepped aside. When the going gets tough, abandon that person? Nice. I can think of a few who this holds true.....and I'm not gonna lie....it sucks. :( If anyone thinks that "depression" is not real or is a cop out on how to handle real life problems, then to that I say..be gone from my life. Sorry....just truth. Educate yourself.
Anyway, I didn't write this as a blame session. Depression is hard. Many don't understand it and think it's easy to just not be sad anymore. It's NOT just a feeling of sadness. And it's not just something I can snap out of. If I could, trust me, I would because this is not easy. Literally, it sucks most of my energy from me. It causes me physical pain and sickness. Not exactly things I would choose to have. So, again, I am working on it.
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Because of her, I choose to look at every day as a blessing. I am working on finding the positives in life instead of focusing on the negatives. Life is short. Too short and we never know when our time here on earth is done. Yes, I am struggling with this whole depression thing, I also know that it's not permanent. Finding the good, the positives, the blessings in everything...in every day...will help.
I lost a brother to drugs about 15 years ago, but thankfully he had trusted his soul to The Lord Jesus Christ not too long before he died. Next was my father,about ten years ago, he died as an agnostic .Then about two years ago I went to visit another brother who was in the hospital with prostate cancer (he died there) who did not want anything to do with God. How sad. I tried to speak to him but he said he was not interested.I've got 3 brothers and 3 sisters left and only 1 of them seems to know their sins forgiven. Wish I could beat them over the head with the Gospel but that won't help. Do I miss those who are gone ???Yes! Most recently , Mom passed away at 94 and she did not know the Saviour. I've got three kids that are grown and gone but they do not follow in my footsteps. Ahhhhhh what will I say to Him who loved me and gave Himself for me when I shall arrive in Heaven and not find them there..... did I not pray enough or witness enough, or ??? The I run across a poem like the following:
ReplyDeleteChosen Vessel
The Master was searching for a vessel to use;
On the shelf there were many which one would He choose?
"Take me, cried the gold one I'm shiny and bright,
I'm of great value and I do things just right.
My beauty and luster will outshine the rest
And for someone like you, Master, gold would be the best!"
The Master passed on with no word at all;
He looked at a silver urn, narrow and tall;
"I'll serve you, dear Master, I'll pour out your wine
And I'll be at your table whenever you dine,
My lines are so graceful, my carvings so true,
And my silver will always compliment you."
Unheeding the Master passed on to the brass,
It was wide mouthed and shallow, and polished like glass.
"Here! Here!" cried the vessel, I know I will do.
Place me on your table for all men to view."
"Look at me", called the goblet of crystal so clear.
"My transparency shows my contents so dear,
Though fragile am I,I will serve you with pride,
And I'm sure I'll be happy in your home to abide."
The Master came next to a vessel of wood,
Polished and carved, it solidly stood.
"You may use me, dear Master", the wooden bowl said.
"But I'd rather you used me for fruit, not for bread!"
Then the Master looked down and saw a vessel of clay,
Empty and broken it helplessly lay.
No hope had the vessel that the master might choose,
To cleanse and make whole, to fill and to use.
Ah! This is the vessel I've been hoping to find,
I will mend and use it and make it all mine.
I need not the vessel with pride of itself;
Nor the one who is narrow to sit on the shelf;
Nor the one who is big mouthed and shallow and loud;
Nor one who displays his contents so proud;
Nor the one who thinks he can do all things just right;
But this plain earthy vessel filled with my power and might
Then gently He lifted the vessel of clay.
Mended and cleansed it and filled it that day.
Spoke to it kindly "There's work you must do.
Just pour out to others as I pour into you."
Author Unknown
Yours in Christ wmknapp55@gmail.com
Bill Knapp
Forest Grove, Ore
Hugs, Michelle. It's hard to lose someone significant in your life, and depression and anger are a pretty normal reaction to it. You're in my prayers, friend!
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