I AM Enough...

Where to start.

I have a million thoughts in my head and a millions things to say.  But when it comes time to actually say them, my mind goes bezerk. This may or may not make any sense.  It's just me....being me.  :)

This past year or so has been very "different".  So much has changed. The more I think about it though, the more I am realizing that perhaps it's not that so much has changed....perhaps it's ME that has changed.  I think everything else has always been the way it is, I just saw it through different eyes.  

I have felt for a large majority of my life that I am not good enough.  

Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough (or at all).
Not skinny enough (again, or at all).
Not friendly enough.
Too shy and yet, ironically enough, too big of a mouth.
Too fat.
Not a good enough daughter.
Not a good enough sister.  
Not a good enough wife and mother.
Not a good enough Christian.

Not...good...enough.

Life can be sailing along great.  Those feelings get pushed down deep inside of me.  I have a great family....great friends....great life.

So when stuff happens, like friends "letting go" of my friendship.  Or friends stopping contact with me, for well, not really sure of the reason, but the contact stops.  Or when others just stop talking to you.  Or when you feel judged by the people at the place where you should feel safest and loved.  Or when your politics are very different from the majority of people you know (which could be the reason for the stopped contact, I dunno), and a whole bunch of other stuff happens, that ole, "not good enough" feeling comes back with a vengeance.

I don't want sympathy.  That's not what this is about.  

I have been mulling things over in my mind for many months.  Life has changed for me this past year.  It's been a great year or so.  I have so much to be thankful for, and I AM, but for some reason I can't seem to stop focusing on the fact that I have not been a "good enough" friend.  Maybe I'm not.  I don't know.  I can't read into the minds and hearts of other people to find out what they think of me. Or if they think of me at all.  I am trying to teach myself that it's none of my business what other people think of me.  It's just a tough lesson to teach, and learn!

I have come to the conclusion though that it doesn't matter what others think of me.  I know I am a good person.  I know I am good enough.  I may not be good enough for some people, but the people in my life, the people who matter the most in the world to me, I AM enough.