Hurt and Love …

 I made a vague Facebook post earlier today. Thank you to those who commented and reached out to me in private messages. It’s been a day!  Death in a family can take a toll on family members in different ways. I realized today that I never really cried when Kelly passed away. I cried when I went to see her and basically say goodbye and I love you to her but I didn’t cry after. That changed today. Conversations were had. Words were said. I cried. Part of that was a realization hit me today that she’s gone. Part of it is all the other crap that comes with family. I love my family. I do. I do not like some of the things that are said and done and I’m allowed to not like them but that does NOT equate to hate. That’s something my family has thought for as long as I can remember. If we got mad at one another, automatically, we hated them. That’s bullshit. 

I upset my mother today. We had an argument.  That doesn’t mean I hate her. But, dammit, I am still her daughter and I still here on this earth!!  I feel like a shitty daughter but at the same time I was so hurt and mad and, dammit, I’m grieving the loss of my sister too!  And I also matter! 

I have probably alienated a few members of my family.  But I can’t control how other people act and react and feel towards me. I can only control me.  The worst thing for me will be the little kids hearing Aunt Meme is a bad person. The thought of that kills me. 😞

I sat in the parking lot is Meijer today and cried.  Did I feel better afterwards?  No, I did not.  That will take time.