Scars in Heaven...

So, it's been a little over two months since my sister passed away.

I miss her.  

There have been so many times when something funny will pop up on my Facebook and I will go to send it to her and then remember, I can't.  Memories will show up and I get sad that there will be no more of those.  

I miss her.

I miss her but I feel like I haven't been able to grieve her.  There has been so much anger and hostility and division in my family and it feels like dealing with that has trumped my ability to grieve Kelly.  When the memories come up or I read something that makes me think of her I get sad but I have not really cried other than that one time in the parking lot after talking to my mom.  But that wasn't about missing Kelly.  That was my anger and frustration.  Maybe that is grief.  

This evening I drove the 30 minute drive into town and had dinner with my son, then went to get groceries.  Nothing was different.  It was nice to see Pete and as weird as it may seem, I actually enjoying grocery shopping!  lol  Even though I have to hobble around the store these days.  :)

Anyway, on the drive back home, I was channel surfing on SiriusXM.  I went from news to country, to classic rock.  I only like to listen to a station when there is music I like playing...lol  (I'm weird like that)  There was nothing playing that I liked.  I went to the next channel on the line up, Christian music, and as soon as I flipped over to it I stopped and listened.  The song that was just starting to play was Scars in Heaven by Casting Crowns.  

Now, I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason.  I believe I was supposed to hear this particular song tonight. Memories of Kelly came to me as I was driving and I felt a "weird" sense that something was telling me that it is ok to grieve now.  It's ok to cry even.  And I did.  And I am as I write this. 

I hate that she was sick.  I hate that none of us were prepared for her death.  We had those weeks with Nikki.  We knew she was dying.  We were preparing.  We didn't have that with Kelly.  She went into the hospital on Monday and passed away Saturday.  I hate that she was alone when she died!  I hate that the anger in my family has taken precedence over anything else.  

I MISS HER!  :(

I think I was meant to hear that song.  And I think it's ok for me to be sad(der) now. 

I miss you, Kelly....rest easy little sista.   💔

Scars in Heaven  <~~this is a link to the song.