Change...?

I have changed.

I know that sounds like a vague yet very broad statement.  But it's true. I have changed.  Ok, well not every little single thing about me has changed.  But, in general, yanno?

So, what changed me?  I don't think I can pinpoint any one thing specifically, but I am pretty sure that it has to do with the events of the past year and a half or so.  In other words, the process that led to my sister dying.

I dunno....I can't even put into words, really, of what I mean by "I have changed".  When I received that call from my mother that my baby sister had cancer....I didn't know what to think.  Or say. Or feel.  I kinda went numb.  Really?  Nikki has cancer??  How? Where?  WHY???  It was advanced....blah. blah. blah.  Something right then.....in that moment, started a change in me.  My family....outside of my husband and my kids...became a priority.  Now, I don't mean to say that they never were before.  But, truth be told....we weren't always a mushy, gushy, lovey, dovey kind of family.  Yes, we loved each other, and yes, our relationships were developing and strengthening but ....what!!??  My sister has cancer???!!  Well, this threw us all for a loop and, I feel, was the like a big strong magnet that was bringing us all close together!  Does that make any sense at all??  

I started making trips to Fredericton.  To be there when Nikki had surgery.  To be there for a chemo appointment so I could be with her and see what she was going through.  To be there when she went to the oncologist to get results after her first round of chemo.  To be there for my Mom!  To be there for Kelly! To just....be there!!  In the process of all of these visits and appointments and conversations, we all became....closer.  I developed a relationship with my two younger sisters that, honestly, I never thought I would have.  I strengthened my relationship with my Mom.  And I got to "know" my nieces and nephews on deeper level.  

There were phone calls and text messages and lots of Facebook! And of course, many trips to Freddie.   I lost count how many times I flew out there.  Every time I went, though, it was harder and harder to leave.  Especially when we were told that she was dying.  That's the sucky part of living 1000 miles from family!  Ya always have to leave.  :(

So, what's the change in me?  All that didn't really explain it, did it? I'm not sure I know myself exactly .  I do know that I have become more patient.  I have become more empathetic....and sympathetic.  I have become more accepting of the little quirks in people that would normally drive me up a tree!  I have decided that I do not need negativity in my life and I take steps to eliminate what I can.  I think more before I act (or speak) because, well, everyone has a story.  

I've had a lot of hurt this past year and a half.  Losing my sister was the worst of it.  Everything else seems minor in comparison   But, regardless, hurt is hurt.  And it changes people.

Watching my sister die was one of THE hardest things I have ever done in my life.  But it strengthened me!  It strengthened my relationship with my family.  It changed me.

I have changed.  :)