Oh, The Things You Will Think Of...

I have had so much on my mind the past few days and I don't even know where to begin to talk about them.  Nikki has been on my mind a LOT lately.  I will hear a song or see a picture or remember something.  The other day I was just sitting watching tv and out of the blue I had a thought.  What would I do, how would I react, if I was told that I was going to die in a few short weeks? 

Now, I am pretty sure I know where I am going when I die, and I know I will be one happy Michelle to be there.  Eternal life?  Yes please!  :)  But think about it.  We are human beings.  I honestly don't think I would be whoo hoo-ing if I was told I was going to die. Sure, the end result will be awesome, but going through weeks of knowing you have to say good-bye to loved ones.  Watching people around you cry and be sad.  Knowing that the terrible disease is making you sicker and sicker.  Feeling weak and quickly losing the ability to do things for myself.  Letting people feed me, or give me water. Feeling helpless.  Waiting....waiting.....waiting.  

That was Nikki.  I CANNOT even begin to imagine how she was feeling in those weeks.  I know when she was told the news she cried and cried.  She had spent almost a year and a half of her life trying to beat cancer.  She put her body through the ringer....especially in those last weeks before they told her!  It wasn't fair!  Why her?  Why a good hearted person like my sister who loved life so much???  Argh!!  It INFURIATES  me sometimes!!!

I can say that those weeks I spent in Fredericton, with Nikki....with my family, were tough weeks...but I have to think that they were even tougher for her.  Nikki made peace with her situation and she gave her life over to Christ.  Pastor Gord, the man who gave Nikki (and all of us for that matter) spiritual guidance during that time, said this:  "she didn't lose her battle with cancer....she won eternal life!"  He was right.  :)

Those weeks were VERY difficult for all of us.  But I can only imagine the things that were going through Nikki's mind.  I cry every time I think of that.  I'm crying now.  I try to put myself in that position but that is almost impossible.  I know she was sad.  But knowing Nikki, she was most likely more sad that others were sad.  

This whole thing has made me look at MANY things in a different light.  I don't know how else to explain it except that I am evaluating things.   Family has become even MORE important to me.  The people I expected to be there for me, haven't, and the ones I didn't expect to be...have.  I don't know what to think about that.  

Hug your loved ones.  Tell them you love them.  You don't know how long you have with them.  Don't waste an opportunity.