I Miss You...

I miss Nikki.  :(  

I have been thinking about her a LOT the past few days...and she has been in my dreams every night for the past few nights.  Maybe she knows I have been thinking about her.  I don't know.  But I miss her.

Don't get me wrong, I miss all the rest of my family, too.  Very much!  But, thankfully, I can call them...or text...or Facebook ...or GO there and see them!!  I can't do that with Nikki.  :(   So, I miss her.

I do talk to her, though.  And I am sure she is looking down at me, shaking her head saying something smart assed and/or sarcastic to me.  ('Cause that's how she rolled!)  :)  But I do talk to her.  Like it or not baby sista, that's what I am gonna do!  (And, I promise I am not giving you shit!  lol)  :)

I miss you, Bickett!  <3

Family....

Several years ago I used to have another blog.  It was kind of my saving grace for a period in my life.  It's where I wrote down many, many things that I couldn't or didn't tell anyone.  It helped me maintain my sanity and, oddly enough, it helped me get through a state of depression.  I don't expect anyone to understand how that could help.  I am not asking anyone to understand it!  It helped ME.  I didn't always write about negative things, I used it to write about anything and everything.  That blog is long gone, but I had saved some posts.  I came across this one today and I felt like I had to share it.  I wrote it in December 2008?  (If my math is right...lol)  

This past weekend I went to New Brunswick to spend time with my family.  It was my sister's 40th birthday, so that was my main reason for going.  I really looked forward to the trip since lately I have been missing family a lot.  Not sure why. It's been over 20 years that I have lived away, but nonetheless, I miss them.  I went with no expectations.  I went to get together with them and have fun, and that is what I did.  Of course I saw my Mom...and 2 of my sisters, but I also got to spend time with some cousins and my nieces and nephew.  I really hope (or wish) that they all know how much they mean to me....how important family is to me....how important family IS...period.  It seems for years I distanced myself from everyone.  Not intentionally...it just happens like that sometimes. Life got busy for everyone and I stopped making the trips out east to visit.  I was content, and I figured they were as well.  This past year or so something snapped in me. I dunno what it was exactly but I suddenly felt the need to go "home". I think because I felt like my life was coming apart here, I thought maybe my family (mother, sisters, etc) was a security to me. (?) I mean, they are family, right? So, this summer, we decided to  make a trip out there for vacation. Of course as soon as we made arrangements to go, I was ready to cancel everything and stay home.  I had expectations and I was afraid that those expectations would get shattered and I would hurt......more.  BUT....in the end, I dropped the expectations and we went, and by the time we were in the car, I was excited!!  We had a GREAT visit!  It was nice to see everyone.  I got along with my sisters better than I think I ever have.  I have always been close with my older sister but I have never really been close with my 2 younger sisters.  That seemed to change when we got together this summer.  It was like we had all suddenly grown up and were able to accept each other for who we are and, a big thing......I think we let go of some past crap. It's been nice keeping in contact with them and enjoying their company.  Life is just too damn short to hold on to "shit", yanno?

I wrote this 5 years ago.  Five years ago Nikki wasn't sick.  Five years ago we all began a new relationship with each other.  We had no idea what the following 5 years would have in store.  Everything happens for a reason.  I love my family.  <3

Flowers...

One of the things that Nikki had to do once she was told that she only had 4-6 weeks left to live, was help plan her funeral.  Ok, well she didn't HAVE to I guess.  We could have just taken the bull by the horns and planned it all, and just did it the way we THOUGHT it should be...but that's not what we wanted to do.  Kelly had the sad job of sitting down with her and asking her what her wishes were.  I KNOW that was hard for her.  I'm sure it was hard for BOTH of them.  :(  But Kelly was the best person for that job.  Her and Nikki were always closest.  Sisters AND best friends.  

There were several things that she specifically wanted.  (But this post isn't about all of her funeral requests.  :)  Bear with me here.) One of the things that Nikki said she wanted at her funeral was LOTS and LOTS of pretty flowers!  She got her wish.  She had SO many beautiful flower arrangements surrounding her.  I think we all made similar comments when we walked into the funeral home.  "Oh, look at all the flowers!"  and "She would LOVE this!"  and "It's just what she wanted!" etc.  I think we all cried, too.  For a variety of reasons, but seeing all the flowers and knowing that that is what she wanted....well, it was very special.  :)

After the funeral, everyone was taking some of the smaller arrangements home with them.  And the remainder of them went to the nursing home up the road.  I was a little jealous.  I couldn't take any flowers home.  :(  Peter and I had to leave the next day to drive back to the States and you're not supposed to take flowers and stuff across the border. That, and there is no way a beautiful arrangement would still be beautiful by the time we got back home to Michigan...lol

So, I cut a 3 or 4 of my favorite flowers and took a ribbon that was wrapped around one of the vases.  My intention was to take them home and press them into a book or something.  By the time I got home, however, they were pretty wilted, so I just hung them upside down until they dried.  They hung upside down until today when I FINALLY did something with them.  

No, I didn't 

press them.  I made them into an ornament.  :) I bought a big plastic bulb, and put the dried flowers in it and tied the ribbon around the top.   It's not done yet, though.  I am going to print off a picture of Nikki and slip it into the bulb....and somehow write her name, date of birth and date of death on the bulb.  

I will be honored and proud to display this bulb on our Christmas tree this year.  :)

The Cattle Baron's Ball...

Tonight Peter and I went to an event called The Cattle Baron's Ball. This is a fundraising event for the American Cancer Society.  You dress up in country & western wear and go eat, drink and be merry. You listen to live country music, check out a silent auction as well as the *yikes* live auction!  Cha ching!  It's a fun time, and what makes it even more special is that all the proceeds from tonight's event go to the American Cancer Society.  

Part of me was SO not looking forward to this thing tonight.  I kept wishing Peter would say he didn't want to go.  LOL  But that didn't happen, so we put on our cowboy/cowgirl gear and off we went.  

And it was fun.  Lots of great food.  Lots of (free) wine, beer and other drinks.  So we mosey around checking things out.  Peter even bid on a couple of items in the silent auction but he didn't win. Awww.    

We walk around, sampling the different foods and drinking our Coronas.  Yum.  Then I had my first emotional moment of the evening.  I knew this was a cancer fundraiser and, obviously, raising money to find a cure for cancer is pretty near and dear to me, but when we first got there it was like any other event, except I was in a cowboy hat....lol  Then we came to the Memorial Trees.  You can write the name of someone who has lost the battle with cancer and they will add that name on one of the trees.  

 So, I wrote Nikki's name on a tag and they hung it.  It was then that it hit me the reason for this whole big deal of an event.  Cancer took Nikki's life, and cancer affected every single one of us who knew and loved her!!  Cancer affected me!!

A little while later, we go into another room where they have speakers and the live auction.  Let me tell you, I was surprised at how emotional I was just listening to the people speak.  I had no idea that it would hit me like that!!  So, I am sitting there listening to the speakers, and I am crying.  It really struck a nerve with me!  I was one of those people who's life has been changed by cancer.  No, I wasn't the one who had it, but someone I loved very much did.  :(

I am glad that I was able to be a part of tonight.  :)

That's a lot of words to tell a short story, huh?  lol  Well, details are my thing as my husband tells me. ;)  Takes me a little while to tell a story.  

Oh...and speaking of my dear husband.  After the live auction and the THOUSANDS of dollars they raised with just that, they did this thing asking for donations.  You could raise your "paddle" (the paper with the numbers in the photo was our paddle) and say how much you want to donate. Peter raised his and made a generous donation to The American Cancer Society.  (American, Canadian....it doesn't matter to cancer and it doesn't matter to me! It all  helps!!)  I said he didn't have to do that, but he said he wanted to and that it was a very good cause.  His words were:  "Thinking about Nikki, hope that no one else has to say  good-bye."  Thank you, Honey!  I love you!  <3

Thinking about you, Bickett.  Tonight....and always.  <3

Gone But Not Forgotten...

Sometimes it doesn't feel like Nikki is gone.  

And by gone, I mean passed away.  Not gone to the store, or gone for a walk, etc.  She's REALLY gone.  I think because I have lived away from Fredericton, and my family, for so long, I got used to not being near them, not having them around, and for them not having me being really much of a part of their lives.  That is the reality.  So, even though I spent a lot of time with her during her illness, and was constantly with her for the last few weeks of her life, sometimes it still just doesn't seem real.

I mean...I KNOW she died (I still hate that word!!!) and I know that she's not coming back.  But like tonight, for instance, I am on Facebook playing Bingo and chatting to a friend and scrolling pages and I see the Nicole Lee Price - R.I.P page we made and I opened it up and looked at the photos of her on there and it hit me like a ton of bricks....and I said to myself (as a chill went through  my body) "she is gone, Michelle!!"

Is this normal after losing a loved one?  

  

All I know is that it sucks.  I mean, I am happy that she is pain free, not suffering, in Heaven...but I miss my baby sista.  :(

*tear*

Edit:  I posted this picture on Facebook back in '08 and this is the thread that followed.  Soooo Nikki....lol

• Nicole P lol we r so damn beautiful....lmao

  July 13, 2008 at 6:55pm · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga Damn straight!! hehe

  July 13, 2008 at 7:12pm · Like
• 

  Nicole P lol and my hair looked amazing

  July 13, 2008 at 7:29pm · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga Well, not as good as mine (lmao!) but yes it did!!! lol

  July 13, 2008 at 7:44pm · Like
• 

  Kelly Price-Doucet oh my good god

  July 13, 2008 at 9:28pm · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga I'm starting to think me and Nikki are alike in more ways than just our beautiful looks!! hehehe LOL

  July 13, 2008 at 10:09pm · Like
• 

  Kelly Price-Doucet you can say THAT again...sheesh...lol.

  July 14, 2008 at 6:34am · Like
• 

  Michelle Warren Huizinga LMAO

  July 14, 2008 at 11:18am · Like
• 

  Nicole P lmaooooooooo got love it!!

  July 14, 2008 at 3:14pm · Like
• 

  Nicole P that is a hot pic of us...lol...

  January 19, 2009 at 7:26pm · Like

I'm a Believer...

During the duration of my sister's illness, from her diagnosis to her death, I asked for prayers for her.  I was asked a lot of questions about her illness, from "what type of cancer?", to "how long does she have?", etc, etc.   All reasonable questions.  But there was one question that I really didn't know how to answer (and kinda sorta had a bit of a problem with, to be perfectly honest)....and it was asked a lot..."Is she a believer?"  

How does one answer that question anyway?  I never felt like there was a clear cut answer.  If I said no, I felt like I was saying that she didn't believe in God and had no religious beliefs at all.  Which was not the case.  If I said yes, I was inferring that she had given her life over to Christ and accepted Him as her savior, and I wasn't sure at that point if she had.  So, I never knew how to answer.  "Just please pray", was what I was thinking.

So....if someone is a believer, they are deserving of prayers but if they're not, they we shouldn't pray for them?   I know the answer to that is that we should pray for everyone....no matter who they are, but then, WHY is that question asked?.  "Is she a believer?"   You want to know what I REALLY wanted to say?  "Who cares?!  Does it matter??  If I say she's not a believer you won't pray for her?"  I felt kind of offended by that question even though I know that no harm (or offense) was meant by it.  Maybe I was just being sensitive....which I guess I had (have) reason to be!

Don't get me wrong, my family and I SO appreciate ALL of the prayers, thoughts, concerns, everything!  And FYI, Nikki did become a "believer" before she passed away.   :)  But, I like to think that the prayers were being said for her even though no one really knew whether she was or not.  Shouldn't we pray even more, or harder, for those who do not know God?  

I miss my sister.  I miss her SO much.  :(  I know I will see her again one day.  But for now, I miss her here on earth with us.  

Just some thoughts swirling around in this head of mine.  Keep in mind, even though I share these posts, they are NOT directed towards anyone.  They are MY thoughts and vents and, as I have said before, it feels good to write them.....and to share them.

Oh, The Things You Will Think Of...

I have had so much on my mind the past few days and I don't even know where to begin to talk about them.  Nikki has been on my mind a LOT lately.  I will hear a song or see a picture or remember something.  The other day I was just sitting watching tv and out of the blue I had a thought.  What would I do, how would I react, if I was told that I was going to die in a few short weeks? 

Now, I am pretty sure I know where I am going when I die, and I know I will be one happy Michelle to be there.  Eternal life?  Yes please!  :)  But think about it.  We are human beings.  I honestly don't think I would be whoo hoo-ing if I was told I was going to die. Sure, the end result will be awesome, but going through weeks of knowing you have to say good-bye to loved ones.  Watching people around you cry and be sad.  Knowing that the terrible disease is making you sicker and sicker.  Feeling weak and quickly losing the ability to do things for myself.  Letting people feed me, or give me water. Feeling helpless.  Waiting....waiting.....waiting.  

That was Nikki.  I CANNOT even begin to imagine how she was feeling in those weeks.  I know when she was told the news she cried and cried.  She had spent almost a year and a half of her life trying to beat cancer.  She put her body through the ringer....especially in those last weeks before they told her!  It wasn't fair!  Why her?  Why a good hearted person like my sister who loved life so much???  Argh!!  It INFURIATES  me sometimes!!!

I can say that those weeks I spent in Fredericton, with Nikki....with my family, were tough weeks...but I have to think that they were even tougher for her.  Nikki made peace with her situation and she gave her life over to Christ.  Pastor Gord, the man who gave Nikki (and all of us for that matter) spiritual guidance during that time, said this:  "she didn't lose her battle with cancer....she won eternal life!"  He was right.  :)

Those weeks were VERY difficult for all of us.  But I can only imagine the things that were going through Nikki's mind.  I cry every time I think of that.  I'm crying now.  I try to put myself in that position but that is almost impossible.  I know she was sad.  But knowing Nikki, she was most likely more sad that others were sad.  

This whole thing has made me look at MANY things in a different light.  I don't know how else to explain it except that I am evaluating things.   Family has become even MORE important to me.  The people I expected to be there for me, haven't, and the ones I didn't expect to be...have.  I don't know what to think about that.  

Hug your loved ones.  Tell them you love them.  You don't know how long you have with them.  Don't waste an opportunity.